Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Bad shit to good shit...

Been a busy, hectic, depressing, angry, worrying, appauling, pathetic time of a week. I've been binging a bit too much on food,(no, I'm not bulimic, but I do sometimes eat too much when I have depressive, anxious thoughts which tells me that I've been stressed and out of control) all down to outside issues. I'm not depressed by the way; light is in the distance, my holiday is close by - a 6 berth fully equipped tent right near the sea!
Anyway, issues? My ex has been playing me up, I guess this could well be a regular feature of having contact with him due to us having a son together. It's a long and labourious story at that and one that I frankly, can't be arsed to write about. All I know is, I'm very tired of him still not being properly settled anywhere after nearly a year of him moving out. This has meant he's sofa surfed at random places. Anyway, after his ridiculous behaviour with me, I've sort of read him the 'Sara Riot Act 2007'; I hope this sinks in, it probably won't cos he's such an anti-authoritarian, ex punk! At least there should be some constant, regular arrangement for my son, which in the end, is my main concern and worry. Anyway, domestic crap aside, I have a rather intersting weekend coming up.
Friday I visit my heart's flame which will be lovely, chance to catch up with each other and enjoy his company.
Saturday, I'm invited to an afternoon/evening house party, with my friend Julie and her new boyfriend Ian; looking very forward to see my friends at this party..AND I hope the weather stays good too!

Today, I've also been looking at properties in the High Peaks. I'm not going to be moving away at the mo but I keep dreaming about living somewhere else such as the peak district. I saw a nice rented place in New Mills - 3 bedded cottage and not badly priced. Plus, New Mills is both close to Sheffield and Manchester and of course, my beloved Edale! It's good to have dreams, even if they don't materialise for a long time, the thought of them is comforting.

I've also been reading an interesting article in The Guardian about Climate Change. This article made me wet my pants, cos the damned thing was sponsored by, guess who? BLOODY SHELL!! Hmm....and I wonder how much they contribute to global warming, displacing peoples in developing nations and have a crappy track record really regarding environmental - Oh the joys of hypocrisy! Ho hum, mustn't grumbe my friends, Onwards and upwards to further floods and landslides!

Bidding you a farewell and a good wekend ahead!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Hooray for Friday

I'm looking so forward to tomorrow night, will be visiting my loved one and catching up with what he's been up to, drink together and I guess have a nice chilled time together..Just hope I don't pass out, like I did the last time! Deary me, too much substance, too fast I guess and I guess, quite anti social on my part of things.

So, work for me tomorrow, which I don't really await with much delight cos Friday's a day I don't normally work so it all feels a little odd to be working tomorrow, but as soon as I leave that office building, I'll feel like jumping for joy, into the midsummer air and getting my skates on, to skate over to see the love of my life!

Two+ years on and I still have the flame burning deep down, inside of my big and mighty heart!

Deprived and proactive

Well guys, today I've been teaching in one of the most perceived and reported 'scary and feared', areas of Nottingham - St Annes, in a resource community centre, with disengaged 16 -19 years old adults.
My, I'd forgotten how hard it can be to reach these guys; They're pretty shutdown, on so many levels and just to get that 'light' switched on again, is a massive task in itself. Luckily, I have a good male co worker, who's extremely active in the local community. A black Trinidadian/American, from Queens, New York, who has worked in such environments before and thus, has a good working knowledge of the issues these youths face today.
What struck me though was, how wonderfully active, buzzing and freindly this centre is, even though it's slap bang in a 'potential flare zone'. I always think that history has shown that communities often rise when faced with oppression and deprivation. A different sense of community and mutual support grows and indeed, one that is extremely important for local people to have faith in, continuing the sort of goodnesss and hope that is needed for the future.
So, I await with anticipation to next week, although I have some good ideas up my sleeve; Music Studio visits, cooking, art and trips to the main college for careers/course advice because many of these people really want to move into something new and now's the time to reach them before their lights become completely switched off...

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Manic Rushes

I'm really getting off on Metric's sounds right now..Love the anarchic and upbeat feel to their Live it Out CD. Emily Haines has such a variable voice from soft and melancholic to screamy and rauccous..And I mean, just read these fab lyrics...

Patriarch on a Vespa

Promiscuous makes an entrance
Her mouth is full of questions
Are we all brides to be
Are we all designed to be confined
Buy ourselves chastity belts and lock them
Organize our lives and lose the key
Our faces all resemble dying roses
From trying to fix it
When instead we should break it
We've got to break it before it breaks us

Fear of pretty houses and their porches
Fear of biological wrist watches
Fear of comparison shopping
Dogs on leashes behind fences barking
Pretty little pillows on floral couches
Until our faces all resemble dying roses
Stop trying to fix it

Patriarch on a Vespa
Runs a red and ends up
Crushed under the wheel

Too Little Too Late

You can burn your paper fingers in the ashtray
Place your swollen lips on mine
You can shave your heavy head in my carpeted hallway
Sure for the first time you're wearing the right clothes

Now take them off
Meet me on the band room rug
Tie my right hand to the ride

You can take a live wire into the bath with you
For a feeling you can't find
You can entertain your childhood friends with a tour of the bedroom
Laugh to erase the dirt on your mind

Oh let's move out
Meet me at the motel
Tie my right hand to the bible

Too little too late but we don't say no
It's too much to feel
Tie my right hand to the bible

These guys have really gotten my manic, anarchic, excitable juices flowing again...great stuff, just what I want and love. Now I feel like lying in bed,preferably accompanied, drinking wine all day long and being all hedonistic whilst listening to this CD! Wow!!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Spring is the picture

Imagine that
You met me when I -
Was in my spring years.
As fresh as the photo,
Now aged with time;
Faded a little,
Like me -
How would it have been?
Would I feel the same?
Sense of passion,
Time though cannot be changed
Or erased.
For it is time-
Who's made me who -
I am,
Without time and living my spring
Would be absent from summer.
Summer is wiser -
Full of desire,
Electric energy.
And has a heart -
At it's centre -
As large as the fullest sun,
You may ever wish to see
On a golden, summer's day.
Full of sparkly rays
That shine only for you.
My love,
Spring would've seen you
But summer
Sees the whole
Of You.
And you?
See my spring -
In my summer.
For this
You are my heaven,
my star,
my hope,

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Public Enemy No 1

Public Enemy, one of my favourite Hip Hop bands and lyricists. Why then, can't I access their website, I ask you? I know for a fact that these guys get into a load of trouble and strife for their thought provoking, truthful, politicised lyrics, even though they live in a society that perpetuates the belief in ideals of freedom and liberty; Irony at it's best!
Anyway, here's me trying to access their website to find out what these guys are up to now and when indeed, they may be touring the UK again. Can I get on to read about them..I seem to have come across a site that mentions that their web space has been shutdown..Is this the case? Is it true that good old Bushy Boy, has shut them down? Next thing you know, I'll be banned from using my PC for being a Public Enemy sympathiser. Extreme bollocks.

The world is becoming a strange place and George Orwell, knocks it all on the head really, when you think about 1984.

Maybe we should all walk around like little clones, who don't give a shit about anything and don't question what's happening in our back yards and beyond. Bury our heads in the sand, wear the latest fashio clothes and buy the latest accessories to accompany our clothing, then go to crappy clubs and think that we're having a good time when in fact, we're surrounded by some of the most pretentious, unaware people you may ever wish to meet! Not that I blame these people or indeed don't like them, more to the point, I wish they'd become more politicised and mobilised. God, I sound like Bush mobilising his troops to Iraq!

Anyway, back to Public Enemy, I love these guys, I saw them at Rock City a while back. I loved every minute of the gig - it has to be said, these guys certainly know how to 'mobilise' the crowd. I think my favourite word today is 'mobilise', which is making me laugh out loud, in my active brain today.
I always have fond memories of listening and dancing to their sounds way back in the 80s at The Garage and loving it. Somehow the 80s and clubbing had such a different feel than it does now, more political, more conscious and more active. Emily Haines, front woman for Metric and solo singer, interestingly mentions in an interview that I watched recently, that she looked forward to gigging in the UK because as she puts it
'These kids don't give a shit'

This in a sense excites her - maybe beacause she may well want to mobilise these kids in a similar fashion to good old, Bushy boy but in the 'war on consumerism and overprescription of anti depressants' sense.

So I guess there's still some Public Enemies crawling out of the woodwork but damned, I wish the US would mobilise cyberspace and let me access Public Enemy's website. Bastards!

Musically charged and energy

Recently, I've been busying with creating personal playlists on my PC. I love projectplaylist because I've found so many random tracks that I love and can add to said playlist, from really oldie music to more modern sounds, this is excellent for such a musical soul as me. Even managed to find that splendid song from the film Dusk til Dawn,by Tito and Tarantualas, the one where Juliette Lewis and her pa go into the saloon and watch the extremely sexy Salma Hayek do her erotic dancing..that scene even gets me a tad hot under the collar, it has to be said!!(OK so she's a vampire and ends up all nasty but prior to vampirism, she's one hot dancer woman!)

Had a lovely past few days. Friday, I spent with my everlasting flame..wish his flames still burned internally but if they don't then so be it, I can't change a person and want them to do what's happy for them. He came over to mine yesterday, which was lovely to see him again and share a small but sweet bit of time with him. Interestingly, he noticed an old photo of me and complimented on how much he liked it.I do feel he has love for me, I sort of sense it..

Last night was a reggae night for a friend's birthday which turned out to be good, happy night. Some guys I know through a band got talking to me, which was all very sweet although they were terribly 'off their heads' but having fun and very endearing and complimentary..Interesting to share music tastes with them too.

Around 2.30ish, I started to miss my flame. I started to imagine him walking into the place where I was and thought about how happy I'd be to see him..I wanted to ring him and see if he was around but I knew he may've been potentially enjoying company with other people and possibly his ex at a club. So I refrained from ringing him.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The glass

My beautiful memories of him, even though I still see him, are still as crystal clear as the empty glass on my desk; A little murkier around the edges but I guess that's what you call getting to know the 'true' person.
The person who is scared to reveal their angry self because they know how it can be destructive and damaging..can end friendships, as quick as friendships are made.
Luckily, the glass still shines for me and the clarity grounds me. Grounds me because I know him well. I understand him, the moods, the anger, the self loathing, the frustration - Maybe better than he realises.
Why the fear? Anger? Frustration? I'm not actually going anywhere, or judging anyone, doing anything. But grounding. If he wants me to 'leave' him, as the angry mind of him, sometimes implies, then I can..Although the clarity of the glass tells me that leaving him means scared, sad, rejected. I never let the glass go dusty. I like to keep the glass shiny.Because he still shines for me...
And what about me in all of this? My mind goes back to the beautiful memories and hevaenly times we've spent together - outweighing the negativity...Oh when I remember the old flat, nights on that bed of iron - treasured moments in my heart, tears falling when I left, the feel of his soft, all consuming skin. A true delight. This I miss. I miss the kissing, endlessly. I like kissing, I love kissing him.
And the nights in the new room. The blueness of his sheets, the hour on hour of being with him, last summer was a truly special time for me with him but for him, a madness time...
And all of these memories are always and will be kept in my heart and soul forver because these memories are the important, worthy ones. The less worthy, frustrated ones, I put down to a troubled soul at these times.

Friday I await with happiness...

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Observations, Realisations

Sitting on my setee listening to music of melancholy, I stare out of my window and notice the evergrowing bush, imposing it's way into my open window, reminding me that it's high time I cut it. At one time in my life, gardening was a therapy, pure enjoyment, cathartic. Today, it seems like a chore; I have to do it. I guess this is what happens when work and busy lives take over.
Text message -
My friend...
"He's dumped me!"
I reply.
I know she's going to be distraught. I know this is going to send her to the depths. I offer her all that I can of me..
I love my friend - she's beautiful and has a heart not unlike my own. Shame she's a woman and I'm not into women..

And the world continues to spin on its axis, round and round, to a new day,new happenings, new faces, new feelings.

Cosmic feelings? Are these real? Or are they an imaginative delusion? I believe the cosmic forces work for us. Cosmic? Or maybe even better than cosmic, energy. In fact yeah,energy.

I think about energies. I was once told by someone that their energy dragged my energy down. I didn't believe it at the time but I do now. I know this was a fact. Our energies were so unsuited;different, out of synch, uncomplimentary, too flat, too predicatable, boring.

Not many people come along in life, who have energy that is complimentary to your own.When it is, it's there and wild, untamed, passionate, raw.

The jigsaw is starting to be put back together now; realisation is a good thing for this. Once you've reached a state of realisation and acceptance then I guess you know to move forward, new teritories, new energy, new happenings, new life. The window needs to be closed, it's getting dark and cold outside and the evergrowing green bush, is trying to stop me from closing the window. The bush will be cut and the coldness will be left outside.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Jarvis Cocker Superstar

Don't know if any of you guys watch it, but I quite enjoy watching The South Bank Show, especially when there's someone featured on it, who I'm a fan of, or indeed, have an affinity to their music, life, thoughts etc.
Last night's show featured the wonderful Jarvis Cocker. He's such an inspiration in many ways - to say that Pulp went on for years as a band, without being famous and still believed in their music and what they were about, is brill. I love the fact that he's also, so very grounded in his birth roots of Sheffield but also that fame hasn't changed who he is, what he's about and his values about life politically and musically.
He struck a chord too when he talked about getting married, having a child and thinking that he'd somehow become a 'responsible person'..As he puts it, 'like a magical wand would change him somehow' - well the good news is, it didn't and he doesn't believe that it'll ever happen - we all have our dysfunctions, quirks, etc etc. What an ace guy!
I think that maybe his life as a child, with an absent father, shaped a lot of who he is and what he's about today and as he remarkably and gorgeously mentioned, he speaks out to women in his music without meaning to, but just tends to. Maybe he saw his mother suffer some hardships as a child.

So, I'm enjoying his new solo sounds and his whole 'being' as a musician and genuine person, who still has both feet firmly planted! Sock it to em Jarvis!

Still Running the World Lyrics

Well did you hear, there's a natural order?
Those most deserving will end up with the most?
That the cream cannot help but always rise up to the top,

Well I say,... “Shit floats”.

If you thought things had changed,
Friend, you'd better think again,
Bluntly put, in the fewest of words:

Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world.

Now the Working classes are obsolete,
They are surplus to society's needs,
So let 'em all kill each other,
And get it maid overseas.
That's the word don't you know,
From the guys that's running the show,
Lets be perfectly clear boys and girls,

Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world.

Oh feed your children on crayfish and lobster tails,
Find a school near the top of the league,
In theory I respect your right to exist,
I will kill you if you move in next to me,

Ah, it stinks, it sucks, it's anthropologically unjust,
Oh but the takings are up by a third,
Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world.
(Cunts are still running the world)
(Cunts are still running the world)

The free market is perfectly natural,
Do you think that I'm some kind of dummy?
It's the ideal way to order the world;
“Fuck the morals, does it make any money?”

And if you don't like it? Then leave.
Or use your right to protest on the street,
Yeah, use your right but don't imagine that it's heard,

Not whilst cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world,
Cunts are still running the world,

Cunts are still running... the world.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Sometimes I feel like the main character, Toto, in Cinema Paradisio

Cinema Paradisio, prized film of mine and on my top ten list of favourite films. Toto, the main character, falls in love with a girl and waits outside her window for 100 days in the hope she'll fall in love with him. At the end of the film, he meets up with her again when they're older and make beautiful love. She always loved him, as he does her but her life now, is full of responsibilties and she's a wife, which means, they never get it properly together. Sad for both parties really. My connection? I can understand and realate to hoping, dreaming, wishing, waiting, loving and wanting. All in vain though I guess.

Anyway, swiftly moving on from the pangs of love, I had a good night last night; was tired though after using much of my mental, emotional energy up on Friday and thus, needed my bed. The party was good and we could've gone on to a house party but instead, ended up in the city, although actually, I think I'd have prefered to have gone to the house party, in all honesty.
I got chatting to an old friend, doorman at a club, who 'I've known for some time and interestingly found out he now works with teens aswell! Finally got home about 3.30am and went straight to bed, as I was beat!

Here's to Monday - Arggghhhhh


When love leaves him...

I miss
The man who was
In love, with me.
Who held me closely, tight
Who set my insides alight -
Melting my heart and soul
Making me feel whole.
I miss not to touch his skin
Soft and warm within
Kissing the scars on his arms
Magically healing his self harm -
With the touch of my sweet lips -calm.
My sweet.
I miss not studying the vein -
Coming alive under wild desire
Alive and heavenly
on his forehead.
Pulsating, male, sexiness
Reminds me of the river of energy
That flows through his body, lovingly.
I miss the wild nights of desire,
Hours of being on fire.
Heavenly, enchanted and alive
Soft and warm, in which to dive -
My sea of love,
My storm of passion,
My wind of change,
My rain of sadness,
My ray of sunshine,
My fire of energy -
I miss you not being -
"In love with me."
I hope your love
Will return one day,
And stay forever
With me...

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Sara's Saturday Thoughts

Woke up today, nice and early. Sat in bed and read part of the newspaper, with a cup of coffee and croissant - Hmmm I love croissants with jam and coffee, yummmmmmmm.
Read an interesting article, or more to the point book review, about indigenous peoples and a woman's experiences about the different cultures around the world;her critique about technology and 'progress', eroding some indigenous cultures..Would quite like to read this book in many ways..

Paris Hilton eh? Banged up, released and banged up again. Oh well, it's hard in jail for a dodgy crime that could potentially kill someone! I don't have much sympathy for her sorry tears I'm afraid; all brought on by herself and thus, she should do the time IMO, or at least, some form of hardcore community sentence to open her 'blinkered' little eyes to.

Brought a nice, new green dress today, to wear to a birthday party tonight. I'm excited and want to flutter around like a summer butterfly and enjoy whatever the night brings. Yesterday was a bad day, today's better. Love is mighty and still in my heart, fire in my belly, but if people aren't prepared to take the jump and indeed if it isn't right for them, then as I keep being reminded and urged, I have to move on from hope and realise that hoping is wasting precious time. I love what I've had and have, with the person I's a shame he doesn't see and indeed realise how wonderful things feel when I'm in his company - I still feel magical around him, I still look at him and melt. BUT, I need that from someone too, I need someone to melt and be fired up by me...

Anyway, here's to an anticipating and happy night out.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Solemn Day

Strange day I'm having today but I'vve been listening to Nick Drake a little and I love 'Way to Blue'and 'The Thoughts of Mary Jane' so much

Don't you have a word to show what may be done
Have you never heard a way to find the sun
Tell me all that you may know
Show me what you have to show
Won't you come and say
If you know the way to blue?

Have you seen the land living by the breeze
Can you understand a light among the trees
Tell me all that you may know
Show me what you have to show
Tell us all today
If you know the way to blue?

Look through time and find your rhyme
Tell us what you find
We will wait at your gate
Hoping like the blind.

Can you now recall all that you have known?
Will you never fall
When the light has flown?
Tell me all that you may know
Show me what you have to show
Won't you come and say
If you know the way to blue?

The Thoughts of Mary Jane
Who can know
The thoughts of mary jane
Why she flies
Or goes out in the rain
Where shes been
And who shes seen
In her journey to the stars.

Who can know
The reasons for her smile
What are her dreams
When theyve journeyed for a mile
The way she sings
And her brightly coloured rings
Make her the princess of the sky.

Who can know
What happens in her mind
Did she come from a strange world
And leave her mind behind
Her long lost sighs
And her brightly coloured eyes
Tell her story to the wind.

Who can know
The thoughts of mary jane
Why she flies
Or goes out in the rain
Where shes been
And who shes seen
In her journey to the stars.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Musically moved

I've always been really sensitive to music. It moves, changes, heightens and enhances my mood. Sometimes I go a few days without listening to sounds, because of being sidetracked with other stuff. However, I notice that as soon as I play music, my mind and emotion goes off to another place. I was also like this as a child. Indeed at the age of 4, I loved music and was a big fan of T Rex! I used to love the clasical music my school assembly used to always play at the start of the day. I so wish that I learned to play an instrument at a very young age because I do feel that I would've been quite good at playing some sort of instrument due to my love of sounds. I did try to learn guitar but found this quite hard as my fingers were so small at 10 years old...maybe I should've persevered more!

At the moment I'm introducing my ears to the new sounds of Michael Andrew's new CD. So far I'm loving most of what I hear. I especially love from this CD, Tracings, Just a Thought, Love is Tired and Something already happened x2. These are the tracks that are turning me right on right now! Wow, beautiful sounds....His sounds are a mix between Nick Drake's melancholy, Simon and Art Garfunkel dreaminess, Satie reflective piano sounds and quirky 60s jazz juice sounds, with hints of a gorgeous wee synth popping in here and there.
Here's a few more thoughts about the new CD...

Get a load of it!!!!! Thank God for music and the ability to hear.....

Seasons of love

All I ever wanted
Was to be
With you.
Through the seasons
I held on
With the hope -
To be the second part
Of what you are -
To me.
My soulmate,
My flame,
My lover,
My beauty,
I feel fruity!
I held on -
Because I see
The whole
Of you.
Not just a piece,
Or a morsel,
But the whole.
And still, I believe
In you.
Your mind,
And soul,
Your whole
Love lives on...

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Life in the new dawn

I'm feeling pretty grounded after my yoga session last night and indeed starting to get some sort of closure about a few things, which is all good.

Today, I've been partly teaching an extremely 'dangerous' ex offender. Can't give details but sex, violence and women are involved so I guess that doesn't leave a lot to the imagination. I actually get along with this person extremely well; he's clever, interesting, I guess manipulative, intelligent, and deep and has a great interest, like myself, in ancient philosophy. I don't know how, or why, he came to commit such awful crimes but I guess mental health and pathology has something largely to do with it, from the criminal justice system perspective anyway..

I don't feel weird or unnerved by working with him either, which is a good thing but I guess I always have to have an antenna out. Saying that, you could meet the most randomest of strangers walking down the street and you may never know that this person was once a hardcore criminal.
Blimey, the world feels like a hardened place in my world today. Here's to fun times coming up at the weekend people!

Monday, June 04, 2007

The joys of love and believing

Even if a person doesn't love you, you can still love them;however this is where you need to self preserve. When dialogue you have with them confuses you even more, again, you have to self preserve. Being asked about expectations in a relationship - well that one's simple really, I don't have a lot of expectations from people, apart from they treat me kindly and want to spend time with me, to do similar things of enjoyment. I guess this is what I miss in not having a partner and indeed have missed it for quite a long time now (also due to the fact that my previous relationship was lonely);Things like going to the cinema, the odd random meal out together, maybe walking, camping, cooking meals together - all of the things that you enjoy doing with someone you love.
Anyway, I won't be a victim. It's uncreative, unhelpful and causes great upset, which has the knock on effect of sending a negative energy into the soul and has a tendency for me personally, to take me to the darker depths of my soul that I don't like visiting, that are destructive to me.

I have such a deep love for the person I so often write about on here that at times it hurts beacuse I miss him so much. But in my heart of hearts, I know that if it was right for him, he'd want to be around me, want me to touch him and hug him, love him.

Anyway today I've been co-creative and been to Yoga, meditated and reminded myself about how lovely I am and how very understanding and giving I've always been as a person. I hope this aspect of me is remembered, at least. Not some upset,crying woman who often feels helpless, sorrowful and full of yearning.

I have a good life when I look at it really, I have a job, my body works, I have children, my friends are sweet and loving..I have lovely memories of so many happy times. These things are what are important in life.

So, a new dawn will be realised. I need to keep on reminding myself that I'm a lovely person and I am loved and I am able to give warm, deep love. I hope one day I can give this love to the person out there, who does really want it and indeed feels the same need deep down inside, cos at the end of the day, we do all need someone to love and believe in us.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

The Edge

A weird place to be.
Caving in all of everything around you.
Coping? Trying to at least.
Everything on top, pushing in, stifling, claustrophobic, manic.
A feeling of running away in your head.
Your head and mind running faster than you can keep up with.
A dizziness and light headedness.
A white cupboard,
A phone box.
Ring, rine, ring,
The voice of a loved one - reminds you that reality is still there -
White plastic, blue label, screw top -
Shake it;echoes of a rattle.
Break it
Find the pleasure
The comfort in the rattle
The cushion -
Of the hardness of what noise can turn into.
Softness, floating
Going, going,

Friday, June 01, 2007

Credit to......

Emily Haines and Michael Andrews. These musicians are awesome, truly awesome. Emily Haines of earlier Metric fame and Michael Andrews of Donnie Darko film score fame, completely stood up to how I thought they would.
To watch Michael Andrews play guitar last night, was a pleasure and an honour;this man puts his soul into his playing and his lyrics. In a similar vein to Nick Drake, his sounds were touching, sad, melancholic, cosmic. Indeed his lyrics were some of the cosmic (est) lyrics I've heard in a long time.. The cool thing too with him and his fellow musician, is that they are travelling England to their gigs by train! How cool is that? How admirable that these guys are carrying their instruments et al, on the British public transport system. This guy is one for me to watch in the future;such a vulnerability, sensitivity and passion for his music, made me shed a fair few tears.
Emily Haines reminded me partly, of The Delgadoes, in a funny sort of way..Her piano playing and crystal voice were beautiful, reflective and again deeply touching the soul. I absolutely loved a track called something along the lines of 'Sexual Suicide' - poignant lyrics set against thoughtful sounds of the grand piano and synthed sections - wow!
I also enjoyed the Glee Club in Birmingham. Such an intimate,cosy be seated right next to the musicians felt so fantastic and real.. I will definitely be going there again. After the show, my friend and I rounded the night in a pre theatre gay bar, which too, was a pleasure to be in, with a good vibe. Luckily, my friend's new found 'festival love' offered us a lift home as he was due to visit my friend anyway this weekend and lives near Birmingham..He's a gem. I foresee an igniting love between them, right in front of my own eyes.

It's strange really cos all of my friends are becoming attached to someone and I'm unattached and have been for quite some time and the irony is, that the person I wanted some further attachment to, doesn't have the same sort of love for me, as I do him; the 'in love' scenario.
I guess that's what you call life and hard luck really. I guess this is now my time to be alone for quite some time. I don't search for love ever, love comes to you, in my opinion. The cosmic forces play their part where love's concerned, at least that's what I think.