Wednesday, August 30, 2006

God I really want to cry my eyes out today

Well, they say bad luck comes in certainly has done for me over these last few days.

1. I lost my mobile phone whilst I was out on Saturday night. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't give a shit about losing it but this one had some messages from my now deceased Mum and a few, from the person I hold dear. I'd purposely saved these messages as they meant something to me - being such a sucky twat and all.

2. Last night I was listening to one of my favourite CDs, fairly loud and then SILENCE! The amplifier had stopped working and no sound was to be heard through the speakers. So, I checked plug fuse, sockets, etc,etc. It seems that this amp is destined to be dead. I'm sad too about this, cos I bought it from a good friend in 1994 who was then going to live in Colombia to try and rekindle the relationship with her mother;who she hadn't seen since she was 7 years old.

3.I wake up this morning, ready and fresh for work. Since my split with my ex, he's been looking after our son during the holidays. He was supposed to be here at 9am to look after my 7 year old son. I rang him at 8.30 to ensure he was up. No answer. I rang at 8.45 again, No Answer. I rang again obsessively from 9 onwards as I have to leave the house at this point to get to work on time. It's now 9.57 and he's still not here. So, I had to ring work, explain the situation and wait.

So I'm feeling like I really need to cry my eyes out and feel fed up that A. I've lost some dear things to me and B. I'm fed up of waiting around for others who don't get their shit together and act selflessly and think about other people's situations.
Sorry about the rant, but I know I get, at least some cyber- sympathy from you guys.
All I want is someone to hug me and say don't worry and wipe my tears. My beautiful friend did that for me Saturday night whilst outside his flat. He really wanted to take me to the pub where I thought I'd lost my phone...he hugged me tightly and I felt he had a genuine sadness for lovely is that. I need that now...

Booo to have a bloody big sob!!

Monday, August 28, 2006

He who is held dear

It's been such a weird time really when I contemplate so many things that have happened. One thing that's been a 'stable' has been the love I've felt for another person. I can't go into too much detail as it's extremely personal to me but this person had a profound effect on me, from day one of meeting him. We spent 4 hours chatting and I felt like I'd known this person for ever. It was so easy to talk and share intimacy with him.I felt that our minds were sort of connected on an ethereal level.
Since then, I've thought about him every day, over a period of 18 months. When I see him now and then, everything feels OK. The world feels a good place, nothing around me matters, I get an ache in my stomach when I kiss him, I'm breathless in his intimate presence, I feel connected like I've never felt before with a person - ever. When I hold him - I feel moulded to him..I can't explain these strong feelings but he also brings out a poetic, creative, ecstatic side in me, which feels wonderful.
I treasure the wonderful times I spend with him and I miss him terribly when I don't see him. I feel this is a person who needs space, time and no pressure. I understand this a great deal, as I also need time and space on some level.
I truly feel I was meant to meet this person for some reason and I really hope that we give to each other a sharing of many happy, loving, fun, free, poetical times in the future.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Hidden Treasure

Hidden treasure are you to me
Feeling that appears
With your face and body.
Thoughts surround my mind,
Happy, eternally free.
Time in your presence,
Life makes so much sense.
Hold your body tightly
Comforts, softly invitingly.
Nothing around me matters
When in the company of you.
The world is gold and shining
Free of misery and all things blue.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The will to write

Well today I've had a very heavy conversation with a student I was teaching. It's content went along the lines of what makes sex offenders do what they do and their future rehabilitation. I can't go into great detail as this would be breaking confidetiality about this person. However, even though this man has done a horrendous crime, I had an interesting and insightful conversation, which in many respects, confirmed what I've always thought.

Anyway, at the moment I'm having a bit of a dry patch with writing. I'm just not getting the enthusiasm and passion for writing at the moment...It will return though as my mood does tend to change throughout the month!

On a positive, I have no plans for the weekend, which is rather nice - was gonna go camping but I doubt it now as the weather's a wee bit hellish for outdoor camping. A good friend has invited me to Manchester Gay Pride, which I must say, I am rather tempted as I know I'd have a wicked time there! 3 days of mentalness partying!!

However, I haven't decided as yet, so we'll see...In some ways, I'd actually just like a quiet night in with a friend or a meal out and then chilling out later, listening to music...we'll see what fate throws at me.

Sunday, August 20, 2006


How dare Hollywood do it? I'm angry about it! The Wicker Man has been remade featuring 'Nicholas Cage'. Give me a break!

I love this film in all it's original, classic cult status. It will never and I repeat never, be as good as the original version. I hope the demned new film is a flop!

Anyway, on a brighter note here's the lyrics to Willow's song from the original Wicker Man soundtrack. This is a song to fall aslepp to with your beloved. So, all of you happy beloved souls out there, get listening and snuggling up. Ahhh

Hey. ooh, who is there?
No one but me my dear.
Please come, say how do
The things I'll give to you
A stroke as gentle as a feather.
I'll catch a rainbow from the sky and tie the ends together.

Hey, ooh, I am here.
Am I not young and fair?
Please come, say how do
The things that I'll show to you

Would you have a wondrous sight?
The midday sun, at midnight

fair maid white and red.
comb you smooth and stroke your head.

Ugh! Sick of hangovers

A summary of last night

*Got stuck on bus on way into Nottingham as there was a bomb scare - yippee :( so, didn't meet my friend in chosen venue, instead ended up in The Old Angel .

*Drank shit loads of double Vodka and coke. Cheap Vodka tastes shit, I tell ya! It's SHITE!!!Don't drink it kids.

*Met a load of punk women and sat with them in the Angel until we decided to depart.

*Ended up (well dragged in fact) to The Social. Hate the piggin place, but had a small dance.

*Got invited to House Party - declined the offer. I'm a good girl.

*Walked towards kebab house and onb the way got molested by a little twat, who will have his bollox chopped off the next time I see him! Fuckin fucker!

*Ordered and ate kebab..ONLY ATE IT COS I WAS PISSED. I should become a vegetarian again.

*Couldn't be arsed to get the night bus home so paid 7£ to get a Taxi.

*Ex boyfriend was looking after my son for me as he had nowhere to take my son last night - had a massive arguement with him when I got home about shit loads of history, shudda gone to the House Party or stayed at my mates!

* Passed out about 3.30pm.

*Woke up this morning feeling like a piece of shit - that'll teach me.

Today though, I'm also feeling HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY! Life's gonna get goooooooooooood..I can feel it in me bones!

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Heal through future thinking.

Well, as you know I've had a tough time recently but managing and indeed quite enjoying life alone. OK it's weird getting into a different routine but managing to get into some sort of pattern that suits me.

I'm also a big believer in thinking and pursuing my dreams for the future. I've already been looking into booking flights for myself and kids to visit Copenhagen after Xmas for a week. Found some real cheap deals with SAS airlines which will potentially set me back £276 for 3 flights! Pretty reasonable I reckon. Credit card's gonna take the bashing for that one I reckon.

I've also been thinking about heading off to a festival next weekend. Just a local festival with an OK line up. Indeed I'm in need of some pretty debauched behaviour, which I know I'll find at a mad festival!

So guys, here's looking to the future for this woman and indeed this looking forward definitely acts as a way of healing emotional wounds.

Thursday, August 17, 2006


No I didn't really go to see Narnia with anyone - I was trying to make you jealous in all honesty because I missed you and I was so in love with you! :( END OF!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Elvira Madigan

Watched this film again last night cos I was having problems getting to sleep. It's one of my favourite international cinema films.

Elvira Madigan (December 4, 1867 – July 20, 1889) was Danish ropedancer and trick rider, whose illicit affair and dramatic death at the hands of her lover were the subject of a famous Swedish film from 1967.

She was born Hedvig Antoinette Isabella Eleonore Jensen in Flensburg in northern Germany. Her mother was a Norwegian circus performer and her father a Danish stablemaster. Her mother later lived with the American circus manager John Madigan.

While performing in Sweden with her stepfather's circus she met a Swedish cavalry officer, Lieutenant Count Bengt Edvard Sixten Sparre (born September 27, 1854). Sparre and Madigan fell in love, but their love was impossible partly due to the fact that Sparre was married and the father of two children. After exchanging love letters for one year they ran away together to Denmark in June 1889, where they spent about one month. When they ran out of money, they packed a picnic basket, went out to the Nørreskov ("North forest") on the island Tåsinge, Denmark, and had a last meal, after which Sparre shot Madigan and himself with his service revolver. Madigan was 21 years old and Sparre 35 years old. It was 20 July, 1889.

Madigan's and Sparre's grave is situated on the cemetery of Landet on Tåsinge and is still today visited by tourists and lovers from all over the world. Their tragic love story has some resemblance to the Austrian Mayerling drama, where Crown Prince Rudolf of Austria and his lover took their lives in January 1889.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Back in Perspective

Wasn't in a mood for partying last night but it did me the world of good. It was my mates 40th Birthday, held in a small pub in Dunkirk/lenton. At first I felt a little apprehensive, as I was there amongst many people I'd never met before and the people I was expecting to turn up, didn't! So, it forced me to spark up conversations with strangers, which in fact, turned out really good.
Got chatting to an older guy from Australia about the landscape out there and my wish to see 'Uluru' at some point in my life. Interesting fact that I never realised is, that alot of Australia's land mass is desert!!
Also had an interesting conversation with someone who used to study Fine Art at Trent Poly (when it was a polytechnic) Interesting to talk to him about the 80s and how things/attitudes have changed so much regarding women's issues and the increasing 'sexualistion and objectification' of the female. What is worrying is the fact that women were pretty active on a 'feminist' level in the 80s and it seems in some ways, many women today don't really think about sexual objectification'. Really enjoyed this discussion and reminded me why I've always felt so strongly about such issues.
Also spoke about family life and how the 'modern' family is so different from when I was a child. Indeed my own family is far from traditional, as was the guys I was talking to. Indeed we both had kids from different partners and we both agreed that it's difficult to live together with someone on a long term level.
A comment from him, that's stuck in my head, is that he views the changes in family life good and a 'modern' way of being. Indeed as long as kids are loved, a good constructive relationship can be maintained between ex's, and support and understanding are present, then the 'modern' family is one to be proud of and indeed praise. I'm glad I had this conversation with someone who holds these views and has experienced continual change in their own life as a father.It reminded me that everything's OK with me, that my life's moving on to exciting and interesting times.It also reminded me how lucky I am to have such good 'healthy relationships'with both of my ex's and that we can all get along in positive and supportive, civilised ways.
Luckily, the pub served after hours which prevented me from heading off into the city cos I know if I'd have done this, it would've ruined the friendly vibe I felt at the party. Necked back a few too many drinks but I came home feeling pretty happy with more clarity in my head, than before I went out.

And tonight........I'm gonna sit down in silence for a moment and contemplate life. I'm then gonna put on an episode of Six Feet Under to give me that desired 'hit' that I so love. Happy Sunday people! x

Friday, August 11, 2006

A confusing 24 hours

Sometimes in life, it's hard to understand what you've done wrong. Yesterday was one of those days and so is today.
Someone I love deeply, upset me. I don't quite know what I've done to upset this person but obviously they have a deep-seated anger with me as a woman and the way I've lived my life.
I thought they understood about why my life turned out the way it did. I thought deep down they held me dear.
Rather than being nasty, I'm much more of a 'let's talk shall we' person.If someone has a gripe with me, get it all out in the open and talk about it together, in an understanding, cooperative way.
OK...Get the anger out, get the feelings out, get the shit out, but not in a way that causes hurt and upset to anyone.
I hope someday, I can talk a bit more openly to this person and hope at least, there's an element of understanding about my life situations, experiences and choices.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Time to be nurtured and let others give

Well, had a strange old month of it. I now am solely responsible for all the domestic stuff in my household. I'm officially living in a 'single occupancy' household, albeit my 2 kids!
It's been strange in many ways cos me and my ex are really good friends and have so much in common on a political and mindset level. We're both pretty compassionate as people and both caring in our own ways. We both have similar views about the world and environment and when I think of these good points, I shudder to think of how two people can become so distant and caught up with their own lives over time.
It's been sad to finally cut the ties in many ways and we've both had times of sadness and pain together but we both realise that this is the way forward for us as people and indeed should have happened quite some time ago in all honesty, but when finances and childcare are involved, living separately can prove extremely hard.
One things for sure, we're thus far, getting on well and being supportive to one another despite all of the changes that have taken place over the last two months.
So I hold mybreath to wonder what the future holds for me. I accidentally bumped into an old college friend from a few years back on Saturday, who was out on his stag night and his words have stuck in my head since then.

"Never ever settle for second best Sara, for you are a beautiful person who gives so much of yourself all of the time, it's now time for others to give and to nurture you."

I thought about these words on Sunday and I realise how thoughtful and indeed right, my friend is. I thank him for reminding me about these basic human needs.

Thursday, August 03, 2006


Had a very emotional week since my return from Wales, but like this wonderful staircase, I hope that things will be looking up. I have a real love of staircases, they're sort of infinite in many ways. These beautiful stone steps are ones that belong to Harlech castle.
Can you imagine the amount of footsteps that have trodden on these steps?
The amount of years these steps have felt the different soles of shoes?
The different types of 'fashion' shoes that have trodden these steps? Heels, boots, sandals, flip flops, wedges, trainers, sneakers, pumps, stilettos.
When I walked these steps I couldn't help thinking about the women who would've walked to their destiny? What were their destinys? Were they happy, sad, depressed, elated,suicidal, in love, downtrodden, abused, slaves, ecstatic, joyous, angry, furious, woeful? and beyond?

It's just amazing how a staircase can get the mind so active!!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Change is here

Had a black bile time of it for quite a while as you know. However, change is now here in many ways I feel. In fact it's so amazing how your life can change from being one way, to suddenly change in another direction, bit like my wind blowing theory of the wind bringing change. Funnily enough the day has been a blessed windy one today which I feel has lifted my mood somehwat tonight.

One big change for me, is that I'm starting to think about my future in a more positive way since tonight! I'm sort of getting excited about what my future holds for me even though I've been in the depths, the heights are resurfacing a little. I envisage that I'm going to experience some good heights in my future.

Another change is going to be with my kids and their life. My eldest son is presently in Sweden (Sverige as called by the Danes), staying with his Dad in a summer house! How lucky is my son? He's also decided to move over to Denmark next year to live with his Dad and experience Danish culture on a daily level. A decision I agreed to only when he'd completed his GCSE's. He'll thank me in the future for this, I'm sure. In many ways I'll be so sad to see him leave his childhood days with me but I also look forward for him for the youth and young adulthood he'll be experiencing in such a beautiful city as Copenhagen (Kobenhavn) Plus, I'll have a good excuse to get my ass over there now on regular occasions!

My youngest son, is going through a tough time in some ways now but luckily, thus far, his Dad and I are amicable and trying to cooperate as much as possible with each other since our respective departure.

So, for me change is sooo at the grip. I'm starting to now think forward which is good for me - I need to focus on the future as I'm forward thinking person normally. I'm gonna start planning my birthday in September soon. I envisage loved friends to be with me and a wild time to be had. I have a faint smile on my face with the thought of this. Here's to my 39th year coming up in a short while!

A word of thanks

I know my blog gets pretty emotional at times but I've been through a hell of a lot recently.
Mum dying, 10 year relationship finally closing, the person I'm 'in love' with having unreciprocal feelings, sustaining and motivating some of the most damaged people in society via my teaching job which really can take its toll, when your own life has been difficult.
I've been extremely wobbly to say the least over the last 6 months, which has been tough. I'm now trying to maintain in the best way I know possible, this has been hard and it often takes on the form of dark thoughts and bad days.
I therefore end up using writing as a medium to express my sadness and emotion, rather than internalising and causing myself too much internal destruction and dis-ease.
Please bear with my outbursts and sorrow as you guys have been like a rock at many times and have really kept me strong! Thank you all for being so kind and caring.I also thank my friends for being so kind, understanding and supportive.

Oh, and the picture? It's one that I love, it sums up a feeling of anticipation, longing and bewilderment for me.