Monday, November 26, 2007


Rehabilitation is the only way forward in this life for those who have often suffered at the hands of others before they themselves caused great suffering. When humans continue both physical and mental violence to each other and a law system perpetuates this, then we'll never see people rehabilitate;Take the US system as an example and the death penalty.

Some people are that broken down by their past experiences and life, that rehabilitation may seem unthinkable, undoable. We as humans really must have faith in enabling others to move foward in their lives and not look back in their lives for this only brings pain, suffering, distress;emotional blockages. We must also learn to forgive people and indeed empathise with those who endured the most tragic and debiltating of circumstances.

Tonight my heart goes out to all of those people in the world who've been born into a life that has brought great distress, sadness, violence, harm; I wish for these people to be free of pain and suffering and to lead a life that brings happiness, calm and peace.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Clouds of solace

Today I went on a bike ride to the cemetary where my Mother's grave lies. The weather was cloudy, grey and coldish but there was a beautiful stillness in the air. I emptied the old, dying flowers from the pots on my Mum's headstone and replaced them with some new flowers. Gypsophelia, my Mum liked these tiny, white, pretty flowers, so do I and some pale pink carnations which she also liked. Carnations? I remember a sweet conversation about beloved's grandfather, who loves carnations and had even bred a new creative and sweet is that?
Anyway, I sat in quiteness in the cemetary, not a soul in sight and enjoyed the serenity around me. Graveyards really do make the mind wonder and I always get a weird sort of ethereal feeling about life when I spend time in them..
Anyway, I then visited my Dad and had a nice chat about his new black, lead woodburner, truly cosy is this woodburner. It's funny cos if my Mum saw the mess in her front room now, she'd swear! My Dad's a complete HOARDER! Books, magazines, videos, newspapers, antiquey bit, wood, logs, victorian lace type coverings on his chairs, he's like an old hippy that never got the chance to be..Bless him and my Mother.
I cycled home and thought about Friday night and how lovely it was to see beloved,even though he asked me to go back to his and I refused, I felt this was best cos I don't want him to feel under pressure now that he has a new girlfriend in tow..dear me a situation that's tragic for me really, when I really think hard about it..
Anyway, today was good and left me feeling at peace with world around me but I miss my Mum, I miss beloved.

Saturday, November 24, 2007


In dark, around music, he stands,
My heart jumps, as I take a glance.
Never before has magic moved its mystical ways
As it does, when around him, I play.
Just to be in his presence,
Life makes sense.
The world is alight,
With sparkling beams, in-sight
Pure golden white.
And when he goes,
The magic in the air slows,
To a point of nothingness,
Night becomes meaningless...
For the longing in my heart,
Never departs,
Never leaves him...
Does he really ever realise this?
That the world with him is a rarity, true bliss.
His heart, his presence, his soul
The whole of me?
Makes me see -
The world through magical eyes,
Beauty all around, I find.
He is my magical energy,
Growing constantly,
Forever will be.

So, this poem was wrote because of someone who still remains in my heart..even though the world turns and we grow older, he always holds the most warmest and lasting of place.
Tonight, two years ago (although the date would've of course been different) I spent a very, memorable, beautiful time with him and then faced the death of my mother the following day. On some level, I think he felt as though he was cursed and that bad things happened to me because of him, which of course is, as I told him, ridiculous!
He's a person who I feel the most unisual connection with and he brings a touch of magic when he's in my world. Today feels special, being with him feels special, deary me..

Anyway tomorrow will also remind me of the day my mother passed, two years ago. I plan to visit her graveside and lay some flowers in her honour and remember the loveliness of her and her huge heart that was always open to me, wherever I was physically and emotionally.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Love of photograhs and photography

Tonight I've been watching an excellent programme called 'Genius of Photography'. I've always been interested in photos and looking at what lies beneath the image. Tonight's programme introduced me to two new photographers whose work I really enjoyed looking at. These artists were Nan Goldin and Larry Clark, both realists and photographed the darker sides of life in many respects..indeed, what lies beneath surburbia, so to speak.
I remember being a small child, visiting my grandma and each time I went, I would ask her if I could look at her photo album. I loved looking at the pictures and wondering about the people in them, I loved the timeless capture of people in a given moment.
I guess tonight has inspired me to remember to take my camera with me, wherever I picture what I see. I'd love to do a photography course and one day I will, yes I really will.

Maybe I should photo the Anti Iran invasion protest on Saturday? Hmm could be good...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

End of an Era

It's weird when I think about the last three or so years; the death of my mother, the break up of my son's Dad and I, nowhere closer with regards to a certain love situation.
Today though, I spoke to my son's Dad via the phone, who for the last year and 3 months has spent his life sofa surfing, on different people's couches and praying for a miracle to be rehoused.
Yesterday, his miracle was answered. He's been offered a place all of his own..when he told me this I felt happy and relieved for him. Yet another part of me felt sad in that it's the end of an era really. Although we've been physically and emotionally split up for a long time, we've still had a lot to do with each other due to him staying at mine to look after his son and indeed as a last option place to stay..I guess in many ways I've been hoping so much for this but when it finally happens, a weird sense of mixed emotions have dawned on me. We'd been unhappy for a long time before we actually split and were living very separate lives but when the final crunch was decided, we both realised it was harder than ever on a financial level to get things moving.

The good news is, his place isn't too far away which means when Jake reaches an independent enough age, he can take his bike and use the cycle path all of the way, to visit his Dad's place. His Dad will still be able to have an active role in his life without having to come here to do so. I guess both of our lives will now move on to what ever direction they find. I guess the end of this era of my life is finally closing..

Sunday, November 18, 2007


So two years are nearly here,
Reminding me, you were near,
When I lost part of my life force
As nature took its course -
One loved life departed,
Whilst two lives entwined, openhearted,
A stop in the space of time,
Later morning a hazy mime -
Of mistiness, grey, dumbfound..
Lost in a world without sound.
A sorrow so surreal;bizarre -
Body in the present, yet away so far.
Not knowing how to cope,
Envisioning a sturdy long rope.
The need to talk to beloved,
Fell the warmth, soft and rugged.
New life possibility played,
Shock of life force erased.
On show for the final farewell,
My heart plummeted to deep hell,
Pain inside impossible to quell.
Soul reappeared, reassured,
Aura enlightenment transformed.
Psychic life force always there,
Soul's still active; taking care,
Guarding me safely to shore,
Loving me spiritually evermore..


I went to meet some friends last night for a drink, to which I started to feel tired and unsure whether to go to a club. I ended up at a reggae night but just wasn't feeling the vibe. My mind wondered off to think about beloved and text him. He's been ill recently and is recovering as quick as possible to get back to work. I don't know why I texted him but I guess I just started to miss him really, as I guess I always have done and will.

I left the club at 2am..early for me but I was ready for my bed.

Friday eve was better. I sat and watched another favourite film of mine - Kundun by Martin Scorcese;beautifully filmed and an interesting documentary in many ways about the life of the Dalai Lama..It saddens me so, to think about how Tibet is still being oppressed by the Chinese occupation of Tibet.I also wonder what will happen and who will be the 14th Dalai Lama's predecessor? How will the monks find the next Dalai Lama..I know in the past they looked for signs to lead them to the Dalai Lamas, but now that Tibet has changed so much and China has so much influence, it just makes you wonder. Maybe the next Lama may be Chinese, sent to eradicate the oppression and torture that continues..this wou;d be a dream come true in many ways for Tibet and indeed for the people who want a return to their spiritual homeland..
Anyway Kundun - meaning first Dalai Lama, is a wonderfully filmed piece of cinema..the scenes and music are to die for. Phillip Glass's music suits the film immensely as does the fantastic chants heard throughout of Buddhist Monks.
Truly wonderful experience..

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Surprise Surprise

So 8.20am this morn, I receive a call from my friend Gangsta man as I call him. He isn't a gangsta but he is a man. Anyway, rather taken aback, I had a chat with him about what he's been up to -

New job
New radio show
Possibility of researching stuff for his dissertation in London

I had to make the chat short due to me being in a ruch and needing to get ready for work to which he asked if I'd ring him later..So, I rang him later today and had another chat with him that wasn't as rushed as the previous one. Seems like he's doing good at the moment and working hard at uni and in his job, which is good for him.
He invited me over soon, this I said, I'll let him know. Blimey, it's amazing how new days bring about new happenings. He made me laugh when he said
'I'm a single man, I do my own thing'

Men, some of them make me laugh. Some of them get so wound up and worried when they think about women and relationships. They really ought to lighten up a little, they really should!
So, we'll see what the week brings I guess..

Monday, November 12, 2007

Raged beloved

A ridiculous, wrathful poem that needs no understanding whatsoever but just spewed forth outta my sad, ragey heart..what the fuck does he expect when he tells me such things? I am allowed to meet new people when he offers me NOTHING, ZILCH, THE MORSELS. I'm supposed to be grateful eh? eh? Egotistical bullshitty crapness!

So fuck you, screw you,
Move you,
Relocate you, Go on.
To happiness, love, laughter?
Rain, loneliness,
Happy ever after.
Industrial landscapes,
Dying skyscrapes.
Dream about Morrissey
How romantic,
You pedantic Shit,
Oh I could hit
The wall,
Stupid girl.
'I must escape',
he said.
'You deserve better',
I bled.
sincere denies?
Doesn't want me to cry?
Didn't he ever believe,
Depth of my love - what a heave -
When he found another -
Whom his love it seems,
He'll smother?
Fuck you -
In your northern sky
I hope the rain never dries.
All along was it guilt?
Rocky road treatment; all the jilts?
Religious fearful fervour,
Made him uncannily nervous,
Got to the best of the psyche?
Couldn't take the daring hike,
With a girl like me,
So scarily wild and free.
The desiring fallen angel;
Molten devil's child.
What would the parents think?
Heavens on earth!
She's older, two kids
Dear me! Give her a wide birth.
Two different gene pools,
Dear lordy lord,
Different blood beating from the umbilical cords.
His yearning for kids?
Pass on his genes?
Family proudness,
Not cheap woman loudness.
Didn't he ever really know,
I'd have burned for his foetus to grow,
Deep down inside of my womb,
Before it turns into a dark, grey tomb,
Of wintery coldness within,
The dying protector of sin.
Sunday school madness,
Selfish, guilt ridden badness.
Pretend to be nice?
That will suffice.
It'll help ease her pain,
Thank God she didn't go insane!
She's such a wonderful friend
Tragic war torn
Her END.

Weekend Rundown

A cold, bright, funny, hectic weekened has been had. A party in Birmingham on Saturday night, proved funny and rather boozy really. Met some sweet people and enjoyed the fireworks on display.
The journey back to Nottingham was slow, tiring and stuffy..but I had many laughs with my friend along the way.
Last night was Jello Biafra, as radical and anarchic as ever. The rants contained such issues as:

Global warming
Iraq and the ensuing Iran war
The Dead Kennedy's split
Arnie Terminator and his ridiculous policies
Oil and utility companies profiteering on poor people
4 wheel drives and their ridiculousness
The need for people to protest even more now than ever
Communication and how this is changing the world
Multi nationals and the issue of globalisation
Great piss taking of George W.
Torture and Guantanomo Bay attrocities
Pop idol and reality TV dumbing down

A truly inspiring night which reminded me that it's good to know people do care about the issues that are affecting us on a worldwide level..

Time to knuckle down and get cosy inside with this cold winter weather we're's very beautiful though to see the frost and sunshine, truly beautiful.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Jaded Mermaid

True love doesn't die,
Or asks why..
It simmers, boils, shakes,
Keeps the maid often awake,
In the head,
Through the thoughts
It travels,
The mysteries of the heart,
Remain intact - always a part -
Of how you feel,
Inside revealed
Trephinning the soul,
Of the maid.
Unleash continuous thoughts?
The mermaid at sea caught?
Energy abort..
Did the mermaid know in reality?
About love's insanity.
Thus the water does flow..
The sea and mermaid
Does grow -
A wisdom of detachment,
Not continuous re-enactment -
The mistake of the mermaid,
Lost herself slowly faded.
Into the sea

This weeks observations

Housing? Ain't it a massive problem? My ex went to get a home today but someone had beat him to it cos they put the money down before him..he was sad, I was frustrated but I guess the system we're in is one that only lets money talk. Shit really. Apparently, the person renting the accommodation out will be in touch again soon when another tenancy becomes available.

Beloved has been in touch. Asked how my trip was and whether I'd like to pop by, this would be lovely I'm sure..I won't be talking to him about his new girlfriend though. I don't want to know. Is that ignorant or is that just putting my defences up? Yeah, it's the latter..I try not to be jealous cos it's a negative feeling and I don't like to feel this but I guess it's just a natural feling when strong feelings are part of the equation - not very buddhist though. Hmmmm
Copenhagen? OK, I've been on a scnadinavian rant all week long. I posted a letter to my Greenland Inuit friend, Ungman and I wait to hear a response from him, should be sweet. My mates commented about how they noticed there were hardly any CCTV in Copenhagen. We live in one of the most watched and paranoid society really when you think about it.
I've booked to go to Copenhagen again in December. Can't wait and I'll be Xmas shopping whilst out there and this time, bringing back some lovely Danish food.

Tomorrow I've been invited to Birmingham to a big party. last minute decision to go but cheap to get there, booze and a bed provided. Sounds fun and should be a laugh.

Sunday, I'm off to see the wonderful Jello Biafra in Nottingham. Oh, I can't wait to hear his spoken word and radical anarchic ranting.

I'm very happy people, Copenhagen and my friends have been a healing's moving nicely...

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Sparkles glitter

The love for beloved goes on,
He urges me to always move on,
Even though he's with me everyday,
In my thoughts
My heart,
My soul,
My holistic me,
With him I'm free.
Maybe the energy's always too much,
Too strong,
Maybe I'm wrong,
Have been all along.
Warmth, love, touch, heal,
Is what my soul does feel.
Fly girl fly,
Don't let love make me cry,
Let love bring a shine,
A radiance so bright,
Full of sparks, glitter,
Shimmery stars that flitter
Around my aura of gold,
Let a loved one behold.
The beauty in me forever..

Man of cold with heart of warmth

He walked in, Sat in my space,
I looked at his face, beauty unerased.
A face shimmering sunshine, radiating light,
Golden warmth, heavenly bright.
Hair so black, long and bold,
From a northern land, where life's ice cold.
A tribe where problems are unruly and rife,
Struggle to get used to the modern way of life.
He said of me that I'm 'meget smukke',
Beautiful very! Poem from a book.
He smelled my hair, next my skin,
a deep, sincere breath from his land within,
A smell so delightful,
He said of me,
A man so open and insightful.
I feel him to be.
A smile that lasts forever and stays,
A presence that warmed, when I sat in his space.
A wish to be friends,
To see me again,
This friendship I feel
Will have warmth and no end.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The two sides of me

I was having an interesting chat with my ex about how I wonder about my personality; one side is wild, untamed, free, angry, fun loving, impulsive, obssessive whilst the other ponders stability, calmness, quiet.

My impulsive side right now is urging me too book another flight to Copenhagen before Xmas, which will be done I'm sure. My sensible side is saying, you really should not overspend. Fuck it!!!The flights are £60 if I book now...what do you reckon people?

I'm afraid I've been enchanted once again and need to act out my escape fanstasies away from reality and Britain. So, here's to another trip SOON!

Monday, November 05, 2007

A feel of warmth and love

So today I've been reflecting about my wonderful weekend. What happiness and feel of love was all around me. I wrote a letter to Ungman, my beautiful Inuit friend who I really want to keep in contact with..I've not met many people who have a real warmth about their psersona but this man really did, in some ways, he reminded me of my mate's Spanish boyfriend who's one of the most endearing and warm men you could ever wish to meet.
I remember Ungman telling me he thought I was 'so sweet'. I guess he put the feel of happiness and golden thoughts in my mind and heart a little..which in many ways has been an unexpected welcome really.
I think about beloved daily but I know he denys me and chooses another path which to him, feels the right thing to do for whatever reason; this forces me to therefore close down on some level and compartmentalise and detach. Whether he'll be truly happy with the choices he makes, time will tell. Maybe I was always wrong, I didn't think I was, but who knows?
I'm planning on going to Copenhagen again soon, maybe after Xmas, maybe for Easter or even maybe for a weekend again soon to meet up with mates and the new found Greenland friends. This would be lovely.
I forgot how warm the Danes are, how genuine and caring they are. How honest and open they are. I feel grounded again about my recent experience and I feel that I've been reminded again about the person who I really am.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Wonderful Copenhagen you still hold my heart..

What a wonderful, long weekend I've just experienced in Copenhagen. Truly delightful, wonderful, refreshing, liberating, cathartic, happy, ecstatic.....My friends loved it. As expected, we did everything we planned to do and had very little sleep due to late nights out and socialising. I met some lovely people; Mathilda and Joakhim from Sweden, Pauline, Anne Liese and her lovely friend, an Inuit man called Ungman from Greenland. This man radiated the most beautiful loveliness, as warm as a golden sun and seemingly has a big heart. I guess I'll be keeping in touch with Ungman, as he now lives in Denmark but visits Greenland on occasion and wanted to keep in contact with me, even though we only spent a small time chatting about different things, he also told me that I was 'meget smukke' which in Denmark means 'very beautiful!' Blimey...A dear man for sure..It'll be nice to have a penpal to write to again!

The transport system in Copenhagen is just as good as I remember it and even better now the Metro is in operation..quick, efficient, easy to use, on time and clean..

Anyway, here's a little picture story...

My son's Grandparents

The beach next to their house in Karlslunde

In a rather 'high' state after the Woodstock, Christiania memorable, mad hashish experience - (this place was like the Wild West full of festival casualties gone wrong who never went home again but partied forever instead!Mad people, mad night)Sadly, I couldn't take pictures of the new people I met because Christianittes (people who live there) are often suspicious of people taking pictures in Cafe/bars etc, due to the police problems and dealers still openly selling hashish (outside certain cafes) even though the government has closed down the main, what was once a semi legal dealing area. Sadly this means that hash is being sold in the city whic is causing problems with turf wars etc, whereas on Christiania, this wasn't a problem cos each person who sold, respected their fellow seller!

Speaks for itself really...

Taken from the aeroplane just above Denmark.

The park/playground where my eldest son used to play as a 3 year old when I lived in Denmark - Skudderbanen, in Vesterbro, formally a workers area of Copenhagen.

Old mural in Vesterbro against Scandinavia joining the EU.


A beautiful house that lies in Christiania Free State right near Copenhagen

Mirror mosaic in the grounds of Christiania

Political poster against the liberal conservative Danish Governments' wish to close down Christiania and use the land for development

Granite wish sculpture

More houses in Christiania

I felt sad to leave this morning and as always, pondered the possibilty of one day moving back...times have changed and situations are different but I guess if it's meant to be and I'm meant to live there again then so be it. I do so love my English mates here though and would truly miss them if I did move back there. Once I was back in UK though,as the frost began to lift, I remembered what I also love about England..I feel lucky, alive and honoured to have experienced so many wonderful things in my life..