Thursday, September 21, 2006

Celebrate the 39th year

39 years old now,as from yesterday. I woke up though feeling quite flat. I cried. I took my son to school. I worked. I came home. I went for a drink with a mate. I ate a chinese take away. I went to bed. I cried again.
Never in the life of birthdays have I felt so sad. I felt lonely and heavy hearted. I think I felt this way because my Mum wasn't around to wish me Happy Birthday. I also realise that I've been through alot of changes this year and maybe, I was on some level, reflecting; birthdays seem to do this in some respects.

Anyway, I was sort of glad the day was over and glad to get to bed. On a happier note, I reminded myself that I'm off for the weekend to one of my favourite parts of the world. The Peak District. I've hired a barn out with a load of mates and can't wait to get out into the open space and serenity. Although, in some respects, I want no plans. I've told my friends this as I just want to head out there and follow what my heart tells me to do, when I get there.One of my friends was staring to plan certain things and getting all 'detailed' about stuff. I really don't feel like detail at the moment and told her so. I hope she's not upset with me, but I'm jusrt being honest. I need space right now in many ways, hence my need to get out of the city.
So, although I've felt rather flat and deflated in some bizarre way, I know I'll enjoy being around those who hold me dear. I know we'll get drunk. I know we'll have a great time when we get there. I know we may have the potential to meet some interesting people.
I think I feel flat also, cos I miss my friend. I miss the fact that he doesn't care for me, how I care for him. I miss the fact that I had no birthday wishes from him. I miss the fact that I don't see him anymore. He was in many ways, my inspiration to another world. I know I'm being soft and sad but I do have to go through these emotions of grief and mourning for something that feels, like it's slipping further and further away from my reach.

3 comments:

FOUR DINNERS said...

happy happy birthday for a few days back xxxxxxxxxxxxx

39's fine. 49 in December. Now I'm an old fart. You're just a baby. Always remember. Dinner's will be zimmer framin' before you. So Smiiiiiiiile!!!!! x

Anonymous said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

And yeah, I can comment again!

Sara said...

Cheers Guys. Must visit ya blogs! xx