Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Joy and fun in half term

Well talk about heightened stress levels during this half term, so much so, that I've concluded, I'm a crap Mum. Completely crap! I yell at my teenage son, which then makes all of my energy drained, to give good time to my youger son, which then makes me feel like crying but running away at the same time. Also, now that my Mum's not here, I have no one with whom I feel I can share this angst and stress with. It's depressing. Gloom aside though......
One thing that lifted my weary heart today, was my younger son. I took him for the first time ever, to join the library. He got to choose his own special picture library card, of which he chose a card with the picture of a whale on. He also got to fill out a form for the first time. I could've cried watching him carefully write his name and date of birth, quietly whispering the letters of each word, as he wrote his details down and then looking at me for reassurance. How sweet and heart warming is that?
After we'd sorted his card out, we went on a hunt for books about castles and chose a DVD. I also searched for some short stories and settled with Anton Chekov. I figured that short stories are the way forward right now, as I'm not getting much time to read longer stories and therefore, I can dip in and out of the book and finish a story off, pretty quick.
After our book hunting expedition, we had a drink in the new refurbed library cafe area, which was also good - my son remarked about the chocolate being too hot and so we added cold water to cool his drink down. We both had a lovely discussion about a DVD we'd watched 'Troy' and which side we would choose to be on, if we were in the film. I voted for the Trojans as the king seemed more honourable and held strong beliefs in justice and fairness.

I miss not being an 'all there' Mum. I miss the time when my first son was born and life felt easier in some respects and more innocent. I loved being a new Mum and putting my all into my son..I guess as time's moved on and life has changed for me, I;ve found this role harder and harder. I also know that my job takes so much of my energy and patience that some days, I have no energy left for my home life. This sounds bad I know, but I guess that's what happens when folks choose a profession such as teaching and indeed, ending up a single parent.
I never thought my life would turn out to be as it has done, although I 've maintained a stability emotionally, it's not been easy.It has to be said..and some days I wonder to myself, if I can continually hold and indeed juggle all of the demands that are made from me re. kids and job.
I guess for me, my escapism is music, friends and daydreaming. Dreaming? Gosh, I've been having some interesting dreams again, involving my loved one. And again? Tears fall at times because I do miss him. This isn't a bad thing but a good thing because it proves to me that my feelings are still as strong and present and indeed, that I'm still able to feel.

So here's to half term rage, guilt mum syndrome, gorgeousness of innocent young children and their little ways, dreams and love..

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