Weekend rants

Well, I was unusually merry today after a weird sort of weekend. I had a lovely swim on both Friday and Saturday, followed by a sauna..truly lovely.
Saturday night, I met with friends and went to a Percussion night which was enjoyable but funnily enough, I started to feel rather empty and indeed, wondered what I was realy doing there...OK so vultures were flying around trying to get female attention but I really am not interested anymore in meeting guys like this. They're always either

a. Too pissed
b. Too high
c. Off their tits
d. Insincere
e. Dishonest.

I bumped into a friend who I used to work with at a hostel. It was wonderful to see him, last time I saw him we got stoned together in a small room and had a real laugh. This time, he made me really laugh again..I forced him to buy me a jaegermeister and then cracked up at the bar with the jokes he was telling me. He now has a girlfriend, which at one point in the night, I realised I had to back off from chatting to him as his girlfriend kept watching us and indeed, may've well felt uncomfortable and the last thing I want to do is tread on anyone's relationship. I remember way back in the last club I saw him in, he said something really profound which made me go home and reflect. It made me cry. It touched me but also made me realise a few things about me, not bad things but how my confidence, back then, was pretty crap really. I wish I could've spent more time chatting to him but it wasn't to be. Oh well.
A friend made me feel a little odd when she was asked out on a date; this made her look at herself and feel fat. She feels fat. She isn't fat. I feel fat when women, who are slim, say they feel fat...it makes me focus on my body image and this, is negative and indeed, destructive! I am IN NO WAY going down the eating disorder route- did it when I was 14 upwards, will never revert back to guilt shit re.food again. Dangerous, dodgy, destructive, narcissistic ground.

I shopped online at Asda. Don't do it! Greatly let down and I'm writing aletter of complaint! My anger reached epic proportions tonight and I can't even be bothered to detail you with the crap!

Beloved? I texted him to see how he was. He's angry at the world and angry at me...and I guess, feels hugely let down. I feel sad for him but if he chooses to see me as a bad person and generalise about me as a woman, then he really has no idea who/what I am about. This is profoundly meaninful, insightful to me; I don't think, on reflection, he knows who I am.. just jumps to conclusions and lumps me in with women who he's had bad experiences with.Sad that you spend nearly 3 years of your life with this person in your universe to get to where we are today.
I don't think he meant his anger and rants, he's just fed up and projecting. I told him my feelings and that they'll always remain. He can do with that what he wants. I guess he feels burdened by women, his situation and possibly by me right now. I explained that I've always tried to understand him and be kind and good to him..this is what you do when feelings are strong..you just 'understand' that person.I don't know if he cares, or is even bothered - but deep down, I feel he must care a little cos I know that he does reflect. In my heart, I think he'll be thinking about what he's said to me..and what I've said to him and indeed, reflecting about it all..

So, it's Jake's Birthday on Valentine's Day. This Valentine's year for me? A birthday celebration for Jake and I guess, a quiet night in alone. I don't think there's any point in sending Valentine's wishes. I did last year but it was received with negativity and disdain, even though Beloved might've never known that the card sent was from me, I don't think it's worth sending wishes this year..and I doubt that I will recieve anything, I tend not to really.

So there you go, a weird, fun-ish, contemplative sort of time of it really.