The Miracles of Life

I received the book 'Miracles of Life' by JG Ballard yesterday. I've been engrossed ever since. Such a good writer is he, such a compassionate baing, such an imaginative and all seeing writer. His ability to see beyond the mainstream, the 'perceived normality' and indeed, conformity. I will jot down a few quotes at some point from his bok that have really struck a chord with me..

Today, I sat on the tram reading and a guy sat next to me, weirdly I could feel an odd sort of enegy resonating from him..nothing threatening or horrible, but rather a warmth and friendliness but he also seemed so timid and at one point knocked my book as he pressed the bell to get off at the next stop..he looked at me with such a sense of regret and indeed timidity, I was touched by this but also humbled..I smiled and acknowledged through my body language that is was really quite alright and there was nothing to worry about. It's weird and indeed so positive that in life, we have these little moments of insight and indeed, inner warmth.

Ballard discusses the human condition so well in his autobiograhy and indeed the flaws that we are all able to hold.

Today I'm also thinking about trust, instinct, fear of getting close, insecurity, feeling a big sense of regret about letting A down - BUT, I have to remember that he has let me down on more than one occasion and I guess if we are to remain friends, then this let downs HAVE to stop. Not quite sure what all the other thoughts are all about but I'm working slowly through them..I wrote this quick non sensical poem to try and deal with a few things..


Wrap the cover around me tight,
Push away and deny - fight,
Non believing sincerity,
Shadow remains
Other's insincerity.
Who, what, why?
To believe?
The mind's a maze,
Pushing back and forth,
Unsure.
Self protection will suffice,
Block thoughts again, twice.
Return will occur,
Happiness I hope to incur...
Worthy? Who me?

Delayed reaction..
Non believing satisfaction.
Tender soul
Not wanting to hurt,
Torn childhood,
A gaping big hole..
He knows when the time's right
To open his heart,
To tell the hurt,
But for now he needs safety,
And only when we feel trust,
Talk to me, if he feels he must..
Understand I truly will,
Ready for him to cast away - the bitter pill.
Of what went before..

Have a good weekend, I want to see A but I feel shy to ask..Arghhh. No more analysing Sara, just get on with life and the rest will follow...sort of like a shadow, if you chase it - you never catch it but if you stand still, it comes to you..