I've recently been feeling quite a lot of emotions due to spending time with A.. I'm starting to realise that I have massive issues about rejection and vulnerability. I read a little extract from a book to him recently, about a woman who has an affair with a younger man because the woman was starved of affection from her partner. I told A that her situation was a little similar to mine with my son's Dad, although when I met B my relationship was pretty much over and we were living seperate lives. B was given so much affection back then.. I guess this is why I became so very sad when I felt a continual rejection from him but also, this rejection tapped into the rejection I'd endured from my son's Dad; not an easy feat, it has to be said.
I guess I'm trying to unpeel all the layers of rejection and hurt over the past 11years or so..I guess the road to recovery is a very long and winding one with many stops and accidents happening along the way..Sometimes, I wonder about some sort of group I could attend to address these issues or even a counselling session, Sometimes I think, just keep reading and practising Buddhist thoughts. Sometimes I get so confused and overwhelmed, I don't know what to think. Sometimes I question so many things that I go down a long spiral..I guess too, I have to be careful about A because he's hoping to move to London to find work once he's finished his degree, which will be wonderful for him but again, I guess I'll lose out on some level. I guess the real challenge for me is, putting my energies into a place where there won't be further hurt or rejction.
I guess I just have to go with the flow and let the rivers take me to where I truly belong in this world and eventually peace will surface - I guess this acts as a kind of faith and meaning to me right now..
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2 comments:
No sure it's the road to recovery.
I was thinking this when I heard someone describe themselves as "a recovered alcoholic". A definition from the big book of AA granted but I generally describe myself as "a recovering alcoholic".
But I thought am I? Or am I just - "someone moving through the road of life sometimes in the right direction sometimes the wrong, learning from the wrongs where I can and sometimes needing to go back over old ground to get back to a fork where I went wrong. I don't drink because that was a bad fork and stopping was a good fork"
Long ramble but I hope you get the point, it's all the journey not a destination...
No rejection. Your life on your terms. People fit in or leave. It's not a rejection it's just their way veers away. Be you. xx
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