Did I really know him?

To think I knew him
Was a fallacy?
Words enlightened me
About who he really was,
What he was about
Who he really loved.
And yet the energy
Felt real, unforced,
Cosmic.
Golden, bright, full
Of insight.
I don't want
dishonesty,
Anger,
Wrath,
Jealousy,
Bitterness.
I wanted friendship
Of a kind,
That to me felt -
Special, unusual,
ethereal,
Mutual.
I guess I was wrong,
All along.
But deep down I still believe
I was right,
My instinct guided me
Provided me
With the cosmic knowledge
Of truth.
God Strewth!
Why did he let himself down
And me along the way?
Continual detachment
Pushing away.
I guess some hearts
Just aren't evolved
Get scared when they pump
Feel too involved...