Autumn Had Returned

Its cycle had gone full circle, back to a place she remembered well. Listening to the haunting, operatic female voice, she stirred back to a place that she loved and missed.
Her life had been one of ups and downs for the whole part of nearly three years. In fact, her life, since her mid 20s, had been one long up and down. She felt she was on the verge of something strange; she knew the signs.
She remembered the scene and dialogue from a TV series, when the outwardly perfect mother in this drama, confidently yet crushingly, uttered these words to a trusted source
“I need to book myself into your hospital; I think I’m having a nervous breakdown”


Her mind recoiled and started to play the scenes of him and her; like a film through her head, she pictured his face, the face she was deeply in love with. The body and soul she was deeply in love with. He had lived in her psyche and her heart now, for over 18 months of her life. He seemed to enjoy moving in on the empty space that previously, had been taken up by another. Another. A.N.Other.

A.N Other had become another to her. Vacant. The man she once loved, whom she’d bore a child with, whom she’d, in her own way nurtured, was now another;A stranger.
He'd always had an element of 'stranger-ness' about him. She could never quite put her finger on it but it was there, the feeling of not being totally at 'one' with A.N Other. A feeling that something was missing. The missing piece to the jigsaw had never been found with A.N Other. The wholesomeness of fulfillment, was never quite fulfilled.
As time passed by, volatility, anger, neglect, resentment, and undesirability had all become part of the equation.
The equation of A.N Other. The equation of what happens to so many of lifes' ‘lovers’.
Who’d have really thought that life is one big equation?
She hated this fact. She hated the fact that people became insignificant. People became meaningless to each other. This had never been part of her agenda in life. She didn’t buy into this agenda. This agenda sucked as far as she was concerned. As a child, she'd dreamed of living 'happily ever after'; Fairytale romance.Finding a true love and staying forever, together. The godesses of love, had not looked so kindly on her really.

Retreating back to her mind's thoughts, she’d thought of options of how to manage the psyche’s squatter. Eighteen months of squatting in her mind had started to take its toll. The following options seemed rather enticing

1. Trephinning – an ancient ‘cure’ for releasing spirits as practiced in ancient times.
2. Medical Lobotomy; As far as she knew though, this was now illegal.
3. Suicide, although suicide in fact, should be placed at number one. Suicide was the primary thought of negativity that had infested her mind. Drowning, more than any other form of suicide really did appeal. Suicide; to take one’s life.
Why in God’s name, whoever God may be, was this illegal? Her mind wondered off to decipher this ridiculous concept.
In Buddhist belief though, suicide was seen as something one should never consider; she loved Buddhist beliefs; pain must remember Buddhism.
4. Extra strong drugs; although she was a firm disbeliever in legal medication compared to illegal self-medication. However, she knew that it had its place when needed.
5. Flight.. Become non- existent. (You know? the theory of 'Flight or fight')
6. Leave the present life and become elusive; Guilt! A mother who leaves her children is deemed as an outcast, a heathen and a witch. Funny that one, a witch = A wise woman; definition of.
Diverting back again to the 'leaving present life' issue, women who commit such an act were and still are persecuted; mentally and physically.

To be continued....