So, it must now be around 8 weeks or so, since I last saw Beloved. Not a day goes past where he doesn't enter my thoughts and indeed, he's forever in my heart. I wish I could be the sort of person who could handle him meeting someone and indeed, still be in contact with him to enjoy the sweet times I used to share with him. However, when feelings for a person have always been strong, then it's very, very difficult to cope with them meeting someone new. Although you want them to be eternally happy because you have so much love for them, you also feel hurt because of your own selfish reasons and indeed love..
On a Buddhist level, I feel I've let myself and indeed Beloved down greatly. It saddens me so much that I had to stop contact, but each time he spoke about his girlfriend, I felt like a knife was tearing at my heart and indeed, felt all overcome. Indeed, I tried to hide this from him and didn't want him to know that I felt as such until of course, the final blow when my heart just felt like it was caving in around me when I knew he might move away and when I heard what he was doing with his girlfriend. Emotions like this piss me off at times but at the end of the day one can't help emotions... I keep reading my Buddhist philosophy and indeed really want to be able to cope and indeed rise above these feelings and then maybe I can manage to be in his company again and enjoy times with him on some level..Oh dear, how hard it is at times and how time changes things. Funnily enough, I had a weird sleepless night last night and it's made me wonder about whether Beloved is OK, I hope he is and my heart wants to radiate love and light to him if there is any anxiety in his life.
P.S Thanks Aunt Jackie for the Twin Flames stuff, very interesting
http://www.unitingtwinflames.com/
2 comments:
Powerful post.
I stuggle with living with the emotions I have about myself and I can't just shut me out of my life - well I did try by drinking like a nutter for 25 years.
One AA saying I love is.... "Good news is when you sober up you get your emotions back.... bad news is you get your emotions back"
I describe myself as emotionally naive as I quashed them for 25 years via the bottle so now just 3.5 years off - I'm like a little toddler in emotional terms. Someone said to me - that is there in that part of your life, don't let that emotion about that aspect overshadow the rest of your life.
Wow - can you do that? See I'm a baby at this stuff.
Thanks for helping me learn more.
Glad you enjoyed the TwinFlames stuff, that one site appears to want you to join and spend money, but if you do some web searches on your own, there are some other interesting sites out there about Twin Flames... I thought it was interesting.
I'm with you on these feelings... sometimes it would be SOOOO convenient just not to feel them at all... but then I think about the gifts that I have been given in even being lucky enough to experience that, and I am glad, and wouldn't trade it for the world. Just too bad that the packages the gifts sometimes come in have to go away.
:(
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