Being drawn into a situation those years ago and trying to refuse but being drawn into it by sweet words and what now really seems like lies.
Being called in the middle of the night for another's needs when I thought it was for 'love'.
Being so ridiculously blind.
Being so understanding, patient, forgiving, kind.
Being so played with.
Being so in love.
Being so emotional.
Being so torn in different directions because of my heart.
Being so fuckin deluded about love.
Being so heart driven over head driven.
Being so easy to persuade.
Being so gullible and believing what people say, when obviously it seems like it was all just a game or a ploy.
Being so naive and realising that I don't know if I'm ever going to properly heal anymore.
ALL BECAUSE OF LOVE!!!!!! RIDICULOUS!!! I feel like I should tear my heart out and stop feeling anything or indeed do something painful to divert feelings. Sorry this is pathetically dark and awful but my mood is one of, what they called in the 1500s, deep melancholia.
God I'm so angry and pissed off at myself..I wish some fuckin angel would come and swoop me away from this existence right now..happy Sunday and may peace be with you all.
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3 comments:
So - change stuff. Stop going in circles and bust out into new directions.
Only you give the right and permission to others to piss you off like this - it is actually your choice. Difficult I know at times but that is the truth.
Here's a prayer on this might help - well helps me.
REACTIONS
Dear God, help me to see that my behaviour towards other people does not have to be determined by their behaviour towards me, and that nobody can make me
- happy or sad,
- calm or angry,
- hopeful or depressed,
- grateful or resentful.
Help me to acknowledge that my reactions are based upon
- my own values,
- my own beliefs,
- my own experience,
- my own patterns of behaviour
and that I can choose how I react towards other people at any time.
© Robert Lefever August 2004
Yeah, thanks FOUTR, you're totally right that's why I feel mad at myself I reckon. That I've allowed myself to be drawn into a situation that at the end of the day, went nowhere really. I'm angry that I didn't stick to my thoughts a while ago, rather than letting myself weaken. I've just had a tough few days really but yeah, busting out into new places is the way forward..
Thanks for your kind words of support and advice. :-)
x
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