Sunday, October 12, 2008

What Do I want?

So, a shitstorm of crapness today because of me maybe being a woman and a needy one at that and becoming weirded out when I don't hear from aperson whom I almost hear from every day - I guess this is how people back off...maybe I'm just being too impatient, too misunderstanding, jumping to stupid conclusions or maybe my heart is trying to tell me something?

Maybe hormones are part to play but maybe, I'm just no good at not having contact with people..So what do I want and indeed, what do I need to feel secure and able to function? And I know in a good relationship, these sort of things aren't an issue because communication and openess are key to a good and healthy relationship with another person..
Also, when you've been let down quite a lot then insecurity starts to take a hold and this behaviour reminds me of teen years when boys tried to play with your heart and let you down - this is so childish behaviour and has occurred quite a bit when I think about it and not something that I'm about...for me, if a person is in my heart then they're the focus and indeed, the priority.

1. To feel like I'm not a pain or invisible.
2. To feel loved and respected.
3. To not have my trust tested. This has become a big issue with me more recently due to someone I care about going away with their ex. I still feel hurt by this and I can't seem to move away from that hurt and thus, trust has become an issue that prior to this event, was never an issue.
4. To be able to open my heart and be my full on self.
5. To be able to express myself with honesty and sncerity.
6. To feel special.
7. To feel free of emotional turmoil and by this, knowing that all is OK and there's nothing to worry about..

God, do I sound fucked up or what? I think they key is to knuckle down because mistrust and suspicious feelings are a really bad thing and I don't like the felings that these bring..maybe they're founded, maybe they're not..Maybe they are though when I think about manyb things that have happened through the course of a year - quite a few sus things that have def tested my security..

So, I think the time has come to depart from love blog thoughts and concentrate my thoughts away from love energies and into something that focusses my mind on more simpler and interese based issues cos when I think about it, 3+ years of love blogging and reality takes its toll on the weaker hearted...

3 comments:

Furtheron said...

so focus on your other passions which might in turn focus you on yourself not on others...

Aunt Jackie said...

Agreed, it's usually when you totally get back in touch with yourself, and who you are, and what makes you happy (without help of another) and loving thyself, that you begin to attract the right type of love from another.

It's very hard to do I know, especially when tired of being alone.

But there are truly worse things than loneliness... and sometimes we actually begin to enjoy our own company!!!

Do hope things improve soon...

Love,
AJ

Sara said...

Thanks to both of you for the kind words and they're very true!
Weird that we connect in this cyber sort of way but it's all very supportive so that's all good..
x