Ups and downs and a round and around

Time off work always gives you so much time to think! I'd planned to try and do 'housey' things but then I've not felt up to it, so I've just rested and been lazy..I guess this is realistically what one should do to recouperate and build up energy and enthusiasm again.

I received a phone call from a women's project about counselling..£7.50 for a 50 min session with a trained counsellor. This is brilliant! I'm looking forward to this albeit a little apprehensive about opening up, feeling shit, working trhough things and moving forward..unpeeling the layers of sadness and hurt and indeed coming out better from this experience, HOPEFULLY!

I'm feeling more patient with my kids again and not flying off the handle at any old thing, which means the rest is diefinitely what I need.

I keep thinking about A and what he meant/means to me..why he came into my life, why I let him in so much, why I got so close to him, why I feel let down so much, why why why, all of these whys. I guess when you open your heart to someone, bearing in mind that we'd been in contact since last August, we'd grown to discuss many things and shared many feelings..I guess this is why I'm so sad because to share such feelings, time and energy, when you're pushed away, this just makes you feel worthless and meaningless..
Part of me wonders whether he got scared, felt too out of control and worried where things might lead..I truly don't believe you canshare such intimate moments and not have 'feelings' for a person..this is why I guess I feel he got scared and panicked..maybe. I hope one day we can sit down and talk properly about these things..I need to talk through my feelings with him and maybe find closure with him or maybe try and work through stuff with him..who knows? Maybe I'll never see him again.all sadness really.


I've been enjoying listening to some Mexican Hip Hop - Control Machete - Mucho Barato..excellent cd. My kids think I'm mad, I'm not your usual mother material, that's for sure..I mean..Hip Hop? Do many Mum's at 40 listen to this????? Dear me, I'm a 25 year old stuck in a 40 year old body with the wisdom of a ? who knows what age!