Thursday, November 09, 2006

Winter is upon us.

Wow, the weather's certainly getting a bit on the cold side tonight. The object of my love came over to my house for the first time today and it was touching to hear how he felt my home reflected me so much. A pretty accurate observation I'd say really. I wanted to show him all around my house because although he's known me over 18months, he's never stepped a foot into my house until today, which is pretty shit for him, in all honesty. Saying that, I loved going to his place because it always felt like a really peaceful and warm place to be. A bit of a sanctuary in many ways for me, away from my own life and its problems. It always had a certain smell too which even in the new place where he lives, that smell has followed.

Anyway, after he'd gone I sat contemplating everything and tears welled up in my eyes and dropped onto my cheeks and an envelope, that laid on the table.

I decided after this emotional outburst, to take myself out for a while on a bike ride. It was wonderful to feel the cold air on my skin and smell the frosty, winter air. I also noticed that the moon is half full and waning, on this clear night. It put things a little into perspective for me. I really wished that things could be different. I know they can't but I so wish they could. I've waited so long to be alone and properly available to share good times and now that I'm available, my love isn't wanted. It's a weird old world really because the things that you feel may been in your grasp, often move further and further away from it.

Winter, its coldness and darkness will give me the much needed time to reflect on many things and hopefully will put a lot of things to rest.

3 comments:

Aunt Jackie said...

Question, although this is none of my business really, so you don't have to answer if you don't wish to... But-This man continues to come and visit you or spend time with you, knowing how you feel. Does he consider himself your friend? Or is he trying to string you along? (sorry if too forward)

Sara said...

AJ..If you lived close by, I'd share a coffee with you and tell you all about this epic.
It's a long, long complicated story...and we've both been quite vulnerable in our own ways.
It is indeed, a web of many different interwoven threads.

Aunt Jackie said...

Well, have a coffee for me since i'm not close and stay warm... I know long complicated stories well... Reminds me of my own really--alot of what you say writes home.