Another month off...

I went to the Drs again today. We discussed my iron count and the reasons for my anaemia; what could cause it and how it can be prevented. Basically, we are going to test my blood again in 3 months time, after I've taken a course of tablets and then see what my iron levels are like. They should be back to normal, if they're not then I'll have to have further tests done to delve deeper into what's what.
My Dr said I need at least another month or so off work, to fully recover, everything makes sense regarding my tiredness; i was going through proper periods of feeling completely exhausted and no energy for myself let alone my kids, work, life etc..even swimming was starting to feel like hard work, which is not a usual feeling for me! So I'm consuming Ferrous Sulphate like no other at the mo and hopefully this will make me feel full of the enthusiasm and energy I normally have within me.

I've been invited to quite a few things this week; Italian themed meal at some good friends', South East Asian meal at a brill restaurant for my friend's 30th birthday..not sure if I'll do the Italian themed meal, but time will be the decider on that one..I want to see A, it feels like ages since I saw him but time will tell on that one too..

Today, I do feel very tired, the festival and shenagians prob hasn't helped me but I've been making sure I get early nights and sleeping as much as I possibly can..

My eldest son departs for Denmark in a few weeks time; holidaying, working in his uncle's restaurant, soaking up the lovely Danish summer, maybe meeting some new Danish friends and maybe a girlfriend..he's away for 3 months! The house will feel quiet but he needs to start taking some more lone responsibilty and the work he does out there will be good, indeed, his uncle is a good role model; works hard in the restaurant, professional saxophone player and genuinely sweet person. I know I'll miss him when he's gone but when he's here I wish he'd do more with himself! I guess this is the difficulty of teen years..

So, early night for me again and plenty of rest..

Bring on the Beautiful Times

What a hectic, mental weekend! I went to the OTT Festival with my friend Anna and Lorna to celebrate Lorna's 30th birthday..I'm a bit of a hedonist at these gatherings and sooon realised that my friend's pace is somewhat different to mine..My idea of a festival is
1. Get tent up
2. Crack open a beer
3. Laze around for a bit in the sunshine
4. Walk around to see what the score is
5. Head to hear music and carry on with drinking/smoking etc
6. Dance, Dance, Dance
7. Chat to people
8. Don't leave the bar/dance area til at least 4am
9. Philosophise with mates
10. Sleep...evetually when the sun starts to rise!

My friend? She passed out on all nights by 7pm. Once, cos she smoked too much weed, twice cos she smoked too much weed, got the munchies and had to sleep, third time? Ate too much hash cookie and passed out never to be seen again until Monday a.m! Laugh? I nearly wet myself with this bless her..Luckily, I knew a great group of people from Sheffield/Chesterfield who I hung out with once mt friend had passed out..I also met some new people who are in a band that I like - really sweet people and good fun too..
I felt at home with all of the people and they are all so kind and sharing that they're the proper sort of people who get well into the festival vibe - one thing I HATE WITH VENOM is when people put up wind breakers around their tent sort of making a little fence like structure..don't we already have enougn restricting structure in our lives to have to stick up a srupid fence like thing at a festival? I almost went on a fence wrecking mission during the festival but decided the better of it.

It would've been nice if A would've been there to share these times but alas, he wasn't.. Ah well, maybe some time in the future but we'll see..

So, drank too much, took too many strange substances, dance too much, laughed a lot, smiled and felt at peace..felt loved and appreciated by those around me and generally felt like the world is reflecting who I am..a woman, who I made friends with calleed me 'Beautiful'..I was touched! I don't know if anyone has ever called me this in my life cos I don't think I am physically beautful! To her, I was and that was a humbling experience to be told this..

I had a sweet call from an old mate, who I met in jersey last year when he was holidaying with his then girlfriend..sadly they split but randomnly I receive texts from him..anyway, he was over on the mainland this week but we missed each other due to me being away and him heading back to jersey.. It would be cool to meet up with next time he's over in the UK..in about 4 weeks apparently..hear how things went with him and the ex girlfriend and have a good old chat! I have fond memories of my Jersey hol and he was extremely kind and generous..I remember getting drunk with this couple and then me and him were betting each other to head for a midnight swim..it didn't happen but I would've definitely gone for a swim in the dark, I love midnight/late at dipping, it's awesome!

So, life feels good at the mo.. I miss A and his loveliness and presence but he seems busy and distracted with other stuff, I don't want to put pressure on him but it would be sweet to share some sweet time with him again soon..who knows let's see what the universe unfolds for me..

Fuck it, let's all think those nice thoughts

Fuck it, if no fucker cares enough to want to talk to me, let alone answer my phone call or texts then fuck it! I ain't being no idiot and meaningless piece of dust floating around in the universe and I'm instead gonna think about happy thoughts of my holiday and the festival this weekend! So much so, here's some piccys to remind me about what I have to look forward to..Hurrrrrraaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! The top pic, is of a load of people from Sheffield who I've got to know since going to this festival, great fun and good people, we all spent much time together and indeed, sat philosophising until sunrise - always what should be done at a festival!
The one of me was taken first thing in the a.m - I look knackered and like I've had too many substances, dear me! The other pics are what I've found on the net of Agistri, the place I can't wait to visit with my son, Hurrah!

Life eh, full of woeful and wonderful suprises!

Memories and The Flaming Lips

I put on an old CD by The Flaming Lips,I love the trcak Vein of Stars MASSIVELY and haven't heard this CD in ages and it's weird how you associate images with certain songs albums..This CD takes me back to July 2006, just before I went on my holiday to Harlech, Wales.. I have fond and special imagery in my head regarding this CD..weird how the mind takes you back to this special time, imagery and feelings..
Music is such a precious and spiritual gift, where would be without music? It was good to revisit these thoughts and imagery and gave me a warm feeling in my heart..

Blood

I've recently been for a load of blood tests; Aneamia, Thyroid, HepB/C, diabetes etc etc..Hep B/C because I've worked with a lot of drug users and indeed, people who have this illness so I just wanted to ensure that I'm still healthy - not saying all drug users have this of course and of course, not stigmatising them in any way whatsoever, indeed people who've had transfusions before a certain time period, have also contracted this illness. It's a debilitating illness for sure but if kept in check, life can be OK and indeed a long one.

So my results? I have iron deficiency meaning that I have to take a course of iron tablets for quite a while - My Hb was under 9! Apparently a healthy hb should be around 11.5/12 for a woman! No wonder I've been tired, knackered, depressed and devoid of energy.


I'm missing A and have had no contact since last week, can't understand if I've pissed him off? I don't think I did/have and I know he has important stuff this week which I truly respect and want him to do the best that he can, but it would be nice to at least hear how he's doing.. hear that all is OK...I can't go down the road that I went down with B way back in time, where I was so emotionally distraught and the like, I can't let myself feel this way ever again with anyone..it destroys and tears you apart and there's no way my heart and emotional self, can deal with another episode of this from another man...I don't know, I can't be all full on one minute and then not the next, this isn't me and it can never be me...I miss him and I don't like feeling cut out, it's not a good feeling at all and makes one feel worthless and invisible!

So, time to reflect at the festival, luckily my son will be at his own house this weekend as my ex will be looking after the cat for me whilst I'm away, which means, it meakes sense for him to stay at mine and look after his son in own surroundings. Time to get my iron levels back to where they should be and hopefully, start to feel a little more like my usual energetic self again. Positively, I have a clean bill of blood health, which is all good! I hope A gets in touch, I have very strong feelings for him...we'll see but time is always the teller with these things..

Am I so unworthy?

Why is it when you send someone quite a few texts, they fail to respond? OK, I understand why people might not respond on a few occasions but if it's continual, then.....

Is it because they're trying to avoid you?
They're too busy?
They can't be bothered?
They want rid of you?
They forget?
They've got something/someone better to think about?
They don't value you, as much as you value them?


I don't 'get it'? When people text me, I always try my best to return the text back and indeed,out of respect for that person will try to reply as soon as I have time to..it makes sense and it's polite to do that, imo.

Sometimes I HATE mobile phones, maybe it's time to ditch the mobile forever and let people ring me or write letters, like in the olden days...

Summer is coming....

I spent hours today looking for a summer holiday for me and my son, I can' afford it but damn me, I'm not gonna have some reward for working and burning myself out over the past year! I checked out package deals, hols in the UK, budget websites, camping places, YHA places etc etc. The package deals seemed to penalise me financiall, due to being 1 adult and child - in other words, not a family of 3 etc..In the end, I came across a small island called Agistri, off the mainland of Greece - 45 mins by boat. I reckoned that this would be a better choice for my son as originally, Naxos was my preferred destination but the ferry is a long one at 7 hours from mainlan. My son suffers from travel sickness and I didn't fancy him having a long flight and then a long ferry crossing - I feel this is one to do when my son is grown up and I'm travelling alone or with a partner.

So, the holiday? I managed to pick up some decent priced flights to Athens - 150 each..I then found a decent looking hostel in Pireaus, where we'll stay for the night before catching the boat the following day..I thought we may have a little time to go and see The Acropolis in Athens but time will tell..if not then, then maybe another day.
I found a decvent priced family owned hotel in the main village Milos, which has a tiny harbour and beaches..the hotel has a small swimming pool - always what I want when I go away and indeed always good fun for my son. I recieved a very sweet email from the owner of the hotel offering me a studio room, facing the swimming pool with balcony for 9 nights at 420, for my son and me - that's cheaper than I'd pay for a cottage or static van in the UK in August!

Agistri is a tiny island and apparently you can walk across it in 3 hours or so; it's full of pine forests, olive and fig groves - sounds delightful! I've decided that my son and I could hire bikes and visit the 3 main villages and do some forest cycling..I also guess we could take a trip to the neighbouring islands, esepcially Hydra and Aegina and maybe a famous outdoor amphitheatre, which I forget the name of!

So, here's to the summer and a new lease of life by visiting this beautiful and mythological part of the world!

And the world continues to spin on its axis to new dawns and new happiness

Slowly but surely, I'm starting to feel a little better..had a lovely weekend although I was fed up that A cancelled Sat night, to then ring me and want me to go and see him - to which I refused as I'd cancelled my babysitter! I told him I can't change plans just like that when kids are part of the equation and my time is limited etc..
A friend had a birthday celebration on Sunday in her garden, very funny time was had; headstands, limbo dancing, drinking too much, laughing and enjoying being with all of my lovely friends.
My son took part in a school assembly yesterday and was so sweet to see him take part in this and read his little part!

I was invited to A's yesterday for the afternoon, so took my bike on the train and then cycled to his..meeting him along the way coming from the opposite direction as he cycled to get something.. Talked about a lot of stuff with him and read a fair bit of his uni submissions, not long noe til he completes his course - I feel happy for him for doing so well and changing his life! Keep trying to get him to come to The Buddhist Centre with me - we'll see! I'd like to see him at the weekend but I understand he has a load fo work to be getting on with - we'll see. We did end up having an afternoon drink and I cycled home at 7pm - great cycle lanes all of the way back to mine! Hurrah for cycle lanes.

Will be taking a good old swim today and hoping to go out on Saturday with a friend to see Bonobo! Not the monkey but a band..

Next weekend will be the first festival of the year for me, can't wait and getting ready for some festival action..always love this festival and always love being out in the open air at this time of the year! Banco de Gaia and Transglobal Underground are playing which will be fab! Be great to hear Transglobal's Sitar Player for sure!

Signed off for another few weeks and then I may try and return to work but I'll see how I am nearer the time..I do have the tendency to dip some at times so I need to ensure I'm feeling properly recovered.

Here's to the sunshine, festivals, dear friends, kids and Life!!!

Ongoing support, rosewater and conversations

I met with my manager today and had lunch, I can't believe how supportive she's being and indeed, keeps telling me not to return to work until I am completely ready for it..This is very much appreciated and makes me want to retain my sense of loyalty to the organisation I work for. We've also discussed the possibilty of me having a career change for some time - development work and a step down from teaching for a while..I'd like to get my teeth into development work and I know that I'm good at liaising with hostel managers and the like, thus I feel like things are more positive! We'll see.

I've recently rediscovered this little gem of facial beauty regime - Rosewater! I used to use this stuff years ago and just sort of got out of using it! Anyway, I decided to reintroduce this into my beauty regime again..and I was so impressed when i discovered that a small chemist in the centre of Nottingham actually 'makes it up' whilst you wait! Impressive and reminds me about days gone by of old chemists! Rosewater is wonderful; smells gorgeous, makes you feel all fresh and alive, reminds you about days gone by herbal remedies/beauty treatments!

Tonight I rang A to see how he's doing, had a good chat and hope to go over to see him on Saturday to spend some time together, maybe get a take away and just enjoy his company. I'm looking forward to seeing him but I have to keep focussed on me and not get all carried away in the detail..I talked about some of my issues from previous relationships and we sort of worked out something, which made me feel better about things - I wonder if he's been sent to me to let me find myself again and help me face my insecurities from previous let downs and rejection? I wonder...and I like the fact that he's so open with me and indeed, that I can be open with him..I like this and I'm glad he walked into my life when he did, even though I know not where it will lead..but the key is to enjoy the moments with him and just let this be and nurture this..

Weekend Thoughts..

This poem came about after remembering a special time shared with A on Saturday night/Sunday morning! Gosh, will I ever stop being such an airy fairy dreamy woman?
:-)
I wish I'd have been born a songwriter and could make money out of writing poems and songs!


Lap of retreat..

The weight of the head softens,
As it rests wearily,
On the fire of my knees,
Warming the soul -
As he breathes,
Gently.
To and fro..
Up and down.
Without a frown -
Peaceful and sound.
Sleep tired one -
Sleep.
Refresh the mind,
Let it unwind -
To a place of serenity.
Imaginary Serengeti.
Love a' plenty.
Locks, take a tumble,
Freefall flames a softly..
And in them -
Their softness -
I fumble..
Feeling the heat -
Sparks in my hands,
Burn to my feet.
Beautiful retreat..
Blissfully complete..

Tiredness and happy memories of a beautiful weekend

So, today I've been soooooo tired..My eyes look like shit! I lied down in my back garden in the beautiful sunshine, with some green tea bags on tired eyes, in the hope of making them look a little fresher! I went for a well needed swim and kept on getting thoughts about A and the weekend in my mind; his selfless givingness to me, the pleasure of spending intimate time with him, stroking his hair and scalp...I kept on getting snaphot images of certain parts/scenes of the weekend..truly wonderful and special!

Tomorrow, I head to the Drs to have a load of blood tests taken..for all sorts of things but mainly to make sure that everything is as it should be. I hope all will be OK! I hope my tiredness is due to burning the candle rather than any old ailment!

I plan to go the meditation again this week and I would love to spend some time with A but time will tell as he is revising for his exams in a few week's time..we'll see but I do so want to see him soon!

That's my short update for today, this sun is far too nice to be stuck near a PC!!!!

Meditation, Spontaneity and Peace in The Meadows

Anyone been to a Buddhist meditation before? I went on Friday to the Nottingham Buddhist Centre for the hour meditation and lunch afterwards. The guided meditation was fantastic, inspiring, positive and very grounding. I also learned new techniques for conquering negative thoughts and feelings..very good. The people there were warm, friendly, kind and non judgemental..just the sort of people I like to be around. I sat and had lunch with an elderly man who was also a Quaker but dipped into different spiritualism for his own personal reasons. I will definitely be making the centre a weekly, where possible, occurrence. Afterwards, I met some friends for coffee, got invited to see a gig by an old friend, bumped into a sweet work colleague from years ago and had a really positive day.

I decided to go to the gig, although it wasn't really my preferred choice, I had a good time all the same. UK Subs, would you believe, a good laugh and a pretty sorted band I guess. I then contacted A about popping by to his and he asked if I wanted to link up with him and his mate as they were in the city having a drink, to which I did. I met them about 1am and we stayed in the bar til 3am and then went back to A's for music and discussion. I ended up staying at his until today..It was nice to spend time with him again, was quite a full-on time, but fun and sweet to be in his company again. We ended up walking to the shop together to buy some wine and although he lives in a perceived dodgy area, I remarked on how peaceful and calm his area is..lots of beautiful blossom trees everywhere, birds singing and a general feel of inner city tranquility..
I do have such strong feelings for A and to feel his head resting and sleeping on my knees was beautiful and special...I decided to leave about 4.30am as I woke up whilst he was still asleep on the sofa..I thought it'd be better to get back to mine and rest in my bed..

I think seing him again has been good for me. I also realise that I need to keep focussed on my life aswell and not get lost and too focussed on him. At the moment, I need to be focussing on me and my kids but it would be cool to think that he's in my life on some level...We'll see.

Tonight? I may head to a BBQ but I don't want to overdo it..I know I'm capable of becoming very tired right now and thus, need to practice self preservation of my mind and energies!

So, the Buddhist experience has been a positive one, so much so, that I'm thinking of doing a course there in a few weeks time and I also invited A to come along if he desires this..And the time spent with A again, has too, been a positive one..

Here's to the positives of having a precious life, family and friends...

Full frontal....

Headaches? Anyone get them? Anyone know what 'fogging' of the head ius about? Fuck me, my head's been getting such a mad feel of crushing and fogging, that it's hard to think at times and indeed remember things! Indeed, this is the first time in years that I've bought a smnall pocket diary to remind me of things that I have planned in the future - I think my brain has completely shut down on some level!

I hope to go and meditate Friday lunch time at the Buddhist centre for an hour; they hold a weekly guided meditation with lunch afterwards..will be nice to feel serene in an inner city setting..will be good to ground and just be for an hour or so..no talking, peace, quiet, love and the rest of what goes with Buddhist philosophy.

Today my Dr's visit was fine, she said that 'ive stopped the world and got off and that, this is at times, needed by people..I definitely need it and I really don't know when I'll feel ready to return to work..I know that the work demands are too much for me to deal with at this moment in time. I need to focus on one thing at a time and take things lightly and easy right now. I still realise that my feelings are still very strong for A, I miss him and what we shared in the time we grew to know each other, the emotional and physical intimacy, the opening of our hearts about different things and feelings, the mutual support at times, thus I need to focus solely on this right now...and indeed work through all of this..It'll be interesting to see him again soon..

Gotta sign out now, my head hurts when I think too much and thus, time to stop the world, writing and stop thinking!

Have a good rest of the week people...

A wave of fresh air

Last night I received a text from A..this was regarding a bracelet that he still has at his..to cut a long story short, I should be going over to his on Friday to pick it up..it will be good to see him again..we had texting back and forth about stuff but I think the best now is the virtue of forgiveness...I truly hope this will be and can be, the outcome. I look forward to seeing him and hopefully, spend some time with him finding out how he's been doing and how his studies are going. I have missed him and the sweet times we've shared..I guess, if I'm honest with myself, my sadness has been tainted by the fact that I felt a huge sense of loss when the contact with him stopped..

Anyway, keeping it all real, I went for a well needed swim today..I was supposed to go to Yoga but the plans went pear shaped due to home stuff and thus, swimming was the outcome of the day for me..I then went to see my youngest son's school play..very sweet and these things always tug at my heartstrings for sure.

Tomorrow, I have a Drs appointment and a few checks to see how my general health is and then Environmental Health visiting me regarding pigeons in my neighbour's loft which are now entering my loft..eeeeekkkk! I want them GONE! So, a busyish day and here's to the rest of the week ahead!

Hmm unsure and uncertain

So, I've had a lazy Saturday today apart from a swim which was good. I received a late phone call from the person I had a chat with last night. He invited me out for a drink tonight. I declined as I'm too tired and I have too much going round my head at the moment regarding A and the upset of the break with him.. Instead, he asked if I'd like to meet in the week at some point..I told him that maybe we could meet for a coffee one day in the week, whilst I'm still off work. The thought of this though, fills me with dread at the moment and sends me into a panic but I know that if we met for a chat and coffee, I'm sure all would be fine and in fact, will probably have a nice time, in all reality;I do like meeting people from different cultures and I like to be around genuine people..My instinct tells me that he is genuine and a good person, from a respectable and caring family back in South Africa..sounds like a truly delightful place where he's from - lots of coastline and sunshine.
I don't know, I guess I'll see how I feel towards mid week and see how I'm feeling emotionally..It would be nice to have a platonic friendship and indeed, learn more about S African culture and discuss criminolgy/academic stuff again with someone..

So, off to bed for real now and hopefully I'll sleep like a baby.

Who Am I?

I guess we all ask this questions of ourselves at certain times in our life. I know for sure, that I'm a very sensitive and emotional person - always have been, always will be! For God's sake, I used to pull my hair out as a child, I used to run away from home in the hope that someone would come looking for me..I craved love and attention, for some strange reason. I know this is why I'm susceptible as an adult, to become upset so easily and yet, I also know this is why I am able to be very compassionate, forgiving and empathetic.I have an enormous heart and the trouble is with that, is that I give of it freely and without question..those who I becomne fond of, I open my heart to them and show much affection and warmth.

Today, I dreamt about A. We were lying in bed together and I was playing with and plaiting his lovely red hair..We were happy and content. I was sort of panicking that he was lying in my bed cos he hadn't met my kids yet and I felt that this wasn't the right way for them to meet him! I woke up and then realised that this was all a dream..I felt grumpy and fed up that this wasn't real..I wanted to go back to sleep and relive this. I am missing him very much, my belly aches because of this and when I think about him I just keep getting sad..But, I'm determined to move forward and get on with other stuff and time will be the teller about him.

So me, Too giving maybe? Too heartfull? Too Kind? But these qualities are ones that I'm proud about and indeed, want to retain. If people can't handle these, then that's their problem and really, truthfully, I should be spending these qualities on those who appreciate them and indeed, nurture them...maybe somepeople just can't handle my fullonness! Ah well, that's me and I like being as such..


Carnival in London tomorrow to which I'm looking very forward to..breath of fresh air, lots of dancing and fun. I await!

Support

I had a visit from a colleague today, my line manager. She said I looked tired and after much discussion, she thought I was definitely not ready to come back to work. She informed me that everything would be fine for the rest of the year, if indeed, I need such time out. We discussed the whys and wherefors about my exhaustion but I din't go to heavily into my personal stuff; The past few years have been a test emotionally and I guess the break with A the issues with my teen son and the move at work, sort of, were like the final nail in my emotional coping coffin.

I feel very supported from work and from my line manager. I found talking to her for too long a struggle and indeed, felt like my head was hurting and in need of complete silence and peace. Thinking about work started to panic me and indeed, made me become stressed and anxious.

I think this has been heading my way for some time but I just haven't seen the signs and indeed, have buried my head in 'just getting on with it', 'being strong', 'partying hard to escape' etc etc..

I've been reseaching the internet about such breakdowns in emotions and found this which I think is maybe what I'm experiencing..

Collapse in social roles: Inability to keep doing day-to-day job and playing your usual part in family/ social life.

Emotional: Constant worrying, anxiety, feeling everything is out of your control and you are trapped.

Why does it happen?
Breakdowns are caused by the interaction of the internal and the external, yet there is always a trigger or catalyst. Breakdowns are often associated with a major life event, such as a bereavement or a broken relationship. Whether such life events cause a breakdown depends upon the individual's ability to cope with the situation. Those who are more vulnerable at the time are therefore more at risk.



Breakthrough
It's not all bad - if you receive the right treatment a breakdown can be turned into a breakthrough. If well managed it can enlighten the person as to what went wrong, and help them to come out the other side as a better person. It can teach you about yourself and your coping strategies and help you deal better with stress and challenging situations in the future.

I found this info interesting, enlightening, could relate to it completely and indeed, that there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel..Time and peace are a great healer..I'm tempted to book a stay away in a cottage in Wales. I love Wales and I think I may return to Harlech..I loved it the last time I was there and if I book now, I can go in school time and get it for a cheaper price. The change of scenery and sea air will be good for me and I know it will refresh me very much. I really hope to do this and I look forward to it, if I do...

Ups and downs and a round and around

Time off work always gives you so much time to think! I'd planned to try and do 'housey' things but then I've not felt up to it, so I've just rested and been lazy..I guess this is realistically what one should do to recouperate and build up energy and enthusiasm again.

I received a phone call from a women's project about counselling..£7.50 for a 50 min session with a trained counsellor. This is brilliant! I'm looking forward to this albeit a little apprehensive about opening up, feeling shit, working trhough things and moving forward..unpeeling the layers of sadness and hurt and indeed coming out better from this experience, HOPEFULLY!

I'm feeling more patient with my kids again and not flying off the handle at any old thing, which means the rest is diefinitely what I need.

I keep thinking about A and what he meant/means to me..why he came into my life, why I let him in so much, why I got so close to him, why I feel let down so much, why why why, all of these whys. I guess when you open your heart to someone, bearing in mind that we'd been in contact since last August, we'd grown to discuss many things and shared many feelings..I guess this is why I'm so sad because to share such feelings, time and energy, when you're pushed away, this just makes you feel worthless and meaningless..
Part of me wonders whether he got scared, felt too out of control and worried where things might lead..I truly don't believe you canshare such intimate moments and not have 'feelings' for a person..this is why I guess I feel he got scared and panicked..maybe. I hope one day we can sit down and talk properly about these things..I need to talk through my feelings with him and maybe find closure with him or maybe try and work through stuff with him..who knows? Maybe I'll never see him again.all sadness really.


I've been enjoying listening to some Mexican Hip Hop - Control Machete - Mucho Barato..excellent cd. My kids think I'm mad, I'm not your usual mother material, that's for sure..I mean..Hip Hop? Do many Mum's at 40 listen to this????? Dear me, I'm a 25 year old stuck in a 40 year old body with the wisdom of a ? who knows what age!

Yoga and Relaxation

Today I went to Yoga again, haven't been for quite some time but it was truly wonderful to go and get some proper relaxtion and headspace. The teacher, is an old favourite, who I've been taught by in the past; Spritual, humourous, women centred, kind, thoughtful and brilliant at what she does. I almost cried as she was talking the session through a meditation because of some words that touched me greatly. I felt a lot better for attending the session and will do again whilst I'm off work.

I know I'm not yet ready for returning to work. My mood changes to sadness quite a lot at the moment and I know this is because of the loss I;m feeling regarding the recent events in my life..I keep reflecting about things, people, love, life etc. I keep thinking about the times shared with A more recently and a sadness overcomes me that you can be so intimate with a person one minute to have it all taken away the next. This I find, really difficult to deal with, especially because my feelings for him had grown so much over the past few months of spending time with him. I almost emailed him yesterday then I thought the better of it..I gather that if there is to be contact, then it will come forth in the future. I guess I'm just still missing the contact, banter, love and fun I felt from him.

I don't have many plans this week but I hope to attend the London carnival and I may try and get to a Women's Charity club night event on Friday. Time and energy will be the deciding factor on that score..small steps to better places and times.

To try and see the lightness...

So, I'm trying my damndest to see the lighter, good things in life and indeed make the good things happen.
I decided to go for a short while to the Highness reggae night tonight. The vibe was good and the music heavy - brill to hear the DJs play Clint Eastwood and General Saint track - Diseases! I love this track and have a copy on 12" vinyl!!!! I chatted to a few people outside, a few guys from Radford, one who was a care worker and who originally came from Jamaica..he said his Mum's name was Sarah too; sweet conversation with sweet, friendly guys. I decided to leave quite early as I felt tired and needed my bed, rest is definitely high on my priority list right now.

I've also received a phone call and a few texts from a one half of the couple I met in Jersey last year, John. These were a lovely couple and I really got on well with both of them. Sadly, J informed me that they've split up and are going their own ways but that he still really wanted to maintain contact with me. I thought this was sweet of him to think about me after such a long time! It was last August when I was in jersey and I've really only had a little bit of contact with them since then. I have been thinking of possibly visiting Jersey again this year and John did mention that if I do visit then I must look him up as he's permanently residing there again. This I may do and it's good to have another friend somewhere else in the world. When I think to the time we all spent together on my holiday, it was great fun. J and his ex girlfriend were most kind, generous, thoughtful and sweet! The sort of people that I want in my life for the future - those who reflect what I am in reality and what I always have been. My friend advised me to write a list of negatives and positives in my life and focus my energy on the positives rather than the negatives - I think this is sound advice and indeed what I am essentially in need of.

I have another 10 days off work before I go the Dr again.. I don't know what the outcome will be but time out is definitely helping me reflect about the past few years and the things that I need to move forward from. A friend suggested that I've reached Burnout with everything and indeed the symptoms I'm describing according to her are that of Burnout. Indeed, I have been working in a very demanding environment for nearly 10 years...giving to the some of the most emotionally troubled people you could wish to meet. This is no easy feat really and is making me think about my career for the future.. I'm off to Yoga on Tuesday, in aid of grounding and relaxation. This will be good for me - It really will.

I've also been invited to the Love Music Hate Racism carnival in London on Sunday by my friend Anna. I think I'll go along to this, it'll do me good to get a change of scene and indeed feel the carnival vibe. I'm missing A very much, I'm trying not to focus on it but I'm no good at this being intimate one minute and then having it all pushed away the next..it hurts and it makes me sad but I can't let it keep holding me back...

Off to bed now and ready for sleep.