A bit about Me and people thoughts

Me

Not really a beauty
Me,
'Face is somewhat unusual'
You see.
Attraction to some,
Not to all;
Unusual = Concrete wall.
Jade green eyes, changing shade;
Blue to grey
Depending on the day!
Small, oval, tiny
When terribly sad,
Wide, open, sensual,
When naughtily baaad.
The eyes to the soul -
Some may say,
Underneath it all,
An empty black hole.
Sexy at times -
But that = Grime
Meaningless bullshit
Loses its shine.
Poetry save me, focus -
This heart,
Keep it all together please,
From crumbling apart...



Recently I've been observing how very different people are who have kids and people who don't have kids. Those with kids seem to me, to be less selfish and less preoccupied with their own minds and bodies.

Many of my friends are childless and thus, seem to forget that I have to consider such things as planning childcare, having a good idea about when I'll be meeting them in the future et, due to the need to0 also plan arrangements with my son's father. Friends who are childless really DO forget these things. OK, it's not their fault and the like but it is irritating when friends let you down, after you've forward planned something and thus then, have no other alternative friend to do something with cos you've been let down at the last minute..this particularly annoys me.

Friends with kids, have a better understanding it's true, about the trials and tribulations of parenting, relationship break ups when kids are involved, very limited time and the fact that your 'personal space' time, is extremely precious and sought after.
I'm not dissing singles here but I notice these things more and more with people. In some ways maybe this leads to me to the conclusion that I will endeavour to become even more self sufficient both emotionally, culturally and physically..if you get mt meaning? Do things alone, enjoy time alone. Maybe on some level too, I am too muich of a caring person and thus put too much of my energy into others?? Yes, I think this is something that definitely needs to be changed..when I think about things at times, I think to myself,
Who is really thinking about me and how I'm feeling? By this I mean 'really' thinking, not just saying 'are you OK?'.
Who is really thinking about my needs? By this, am I coping? Do I need help with something?
What I'd like to do? By this I mean, in the timescale that I have childfree time..


Maybe the future for me if I do ever meet a man who would like to enjoy times with me, will have to be one who has experienced fatherhood,or who is 'in' fatherhood and indeed has some element of reponsibilty, compassion etc etc. Who really does 'care' who really does see when I', suffering, who really knows how to be of help and understand and love me fully and wholly... not practically but emotionally and physically..maybe I'm asking too much here..maybe this is an impossibilty with anyone?

Anyway, my childless friends seem to sometimes obssess over minor issues which indeed to them are truly important but to me, seem like really small and quite meaningless issues really. This isn't a fault or character assassinations but general observations and acknowledgements.

I'm glad that my son has a Dad who understands these issues, even though at times he has annoyed me and through the latter part of our relationship he was a complete pain and made me feel VERY lonely, I'm glad of his practical support in many ways and I do feel that as a friend, I'll always be able to call on him if I encounter any problems. OK we are separated and our lives will definitely change and diversify when he gets properly settled (as was the bloody hope 3 years ago) in his new place, maybe also if he meets a new woman but I do feel he'll always have a general respec t and understanding...It's funny cos maybe he's been trying to purposely hold out from removing his belongings out. I started to bag up many of his items last year, in the hope he's move them to his sisters and did he move them? No, he left them here to pick up dust and cobwebs just like the love between us did..I can now finally declare that these bags will be gone the week of the New Year..what a release I will feel, I'm sure..
The last year and a half has been one of the most toughest of my life; being properly split from soemone and yet they still asking if they can stay with you for 2/3 nights of the week, again my ridiculous caring nature kicking in again when really, I should've just refused this, it isn't normal to live like this after you've split from someone and it's caused me a lot of emotional trauma and haedacahes, plus my Mum hasn't been here to talk to, deary deary me, this has been real tough. No wonder I have temple headaches everyday, just shows how emotional stress hurts the brain and heart.
And then I think about beloved and how the whole thing has probably been a complete delusion on my part; I didn't think it was, I thought I knew him, I thought there was a special bond that kept us connected on some level and that one day, maybe we'd really be together..that I understood him and forgave him and loved him unconditionally so..he felt like magic in my life and very special but now I'm starting to question the whole thing, the whole 3 years, the whole fact that we wer probably just so very different in our thoughts; New Year wasn't even in his memory, nEw Years to me felt like a new start, a good sign of better things to come, much love and happiness. It just goes to show how people's thoughts, memories and emotions are all so completely different. I think this goes to show my loneliness too..dear me.

Anyway, please don't see this post as negative or the like, I'm just working through a lot of thoughts and emotions right now that are throwing up all sorts of things in my path LOL.Don't worry, I don't think I'll be having a 'dark' Xmas, the kids will make it light, I hope.

Gosh my writing is disjointed and rambly today. sorry, I'm tired and feeling like I have a rush of thought and emotion flooding me. I think I need to really take myself off for a very, very long rest and sleep.