Thursday, January 04, 2007

Emotions?

Sometimes in life, I get so angry at myself. I get angry at myself for being such a 'thinking' person, for being too emotional. The problem is, I've always been this way, it's never changed. As a child I was like it and as an adult I'm like it. I just get so emotional about so many things.
I'm not gonna blame it on the classic 'it's a woman' thing because I know some women who seem really quite unemotional. Maybe it's to do with a certain 'craving' as a child that was never met? I don't know. I remember I used to run away from home and hide behind a tree, to see if my Mum and Dad were looking for me. They never did come looking for me. I guess because they thought I was 'playing a game or being silly'. Deep down though, all I wanted was that they came looking for me and show me a certain sort of attention, I guess. I guess in some ways as a child, I was actually quite lonely.
All I know is now, as an adult, that I wish I had the ability to be able to cut emotions off. I can't do this at all. I've tried over the years but it's just something that I'm unable to do, it doesn't sit right with me either, to cut off feelings and emotions. I'm a person who likes to get my feelings out but sometimes, I realise that I do it at the wrong times and that I should think a little before I act.
Maybe too, the one person who I confided in, namely my Mother, is being felt by me on another level, that I hadn't felt at first when she died. I used to talk to my Mum about the most deepest of my thoughts. My Mum was always really supportive and always gave me good, fair, non judgemental advice. I guess I miss that now. I confided greatly in my Mum about the problems of my old relationship and my Mum always believed that i should make the decisons that were right for me. She used to say

"You're still young Sara and therefore, you must act on what you think is right for you."

She knew that I was terribly unhappy with my then 'dead relationship' and that it wasn't right the way that my ex and I were living, indeed living totally seperate lives under the same roof. Yet she sympathised with the situation and knew it was a time thing. She also knew that I'd fallen in love with another person. I think in her own way, she was glad for me. Therefore, when I get emotional and indeed when my Mum used to get emotional, we'd share our thoughts and listen to each other. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think I miss these sharing of minds and emotions with my Mum, more than I imagine.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Funny how alot of things you say remind me of me... all that about emotion, and the things that you think on... Enjoy your posts I do.