There is hope..

My daily job involves working with many different people, with all sorts of problems. Recently, I worked with a wonderful student, who has schizophrenia and who was such a treasure to teach. I couldn't believe the amount of poetry this student could recite and recount from his distant memory. We used to have long conversations about his 'illness'. I actually don't always like to think of schizophrenia as an 'illness' because who actually knows the true facts about this condition?
Much research is still being carried out about schizophrenia and I'm sure much more will be found out about it. I've also read a poem today about someone who talks about 'voices and sounds in their head', which struck a chord somewhat, due to my own personal experiences of friends who experience this.
My son's uncle is a diagnosed 'paranoid schizohprenic'. He was diagnosed about 12 years ago at the height of his psychosis. At this time he was extremely paranoid - he thought he was being bugged by th police when he was in a certain pub. He was violent to his brother (my ex) and often tried to beat the shit out of him. He burned a cross onto his arm which left a huge scar. He saw all sorts of strange 'people' which I couldn't see. He believed that he was in some sort of relationship with a woman at a school, who in fact, he'd never met before. At the height of his psychosis, it was necessary for his family to encourage, or should I say 'coerce' him into hospital because he was a danger to himself mainly; We were all fearful that he was about to do something that would risk his life - his behaviour had pointed to this over time. At this time, he couldn't see this and hated his family for coercing him to be 'sectioned' under the mental health act.
Today? He's a lot better. He takes medication although he hates it at times. He sometimes stops his medication for a few months but then tends to get worse again. In many ways, he feels his own schizophrenia was caused by too many drugs in his early years - amphetamines, LSD and Cannabis were his drugs of choice. He also thinks part of his childhood was to blame because his mother was always 'vacant' - being an alcoholic and a single parent. She also tended to be a little violent towards him and apparently, he suffered the worse out of all of the children.
On the positive though, he's doing well now. He goes to college, he maintains a boat for himself, he has a good social life and good friends. He trusts people a little better than he did, he jokes about his 'illness' rather than getting embarrassed and angry about it. He accepts that this is the way he right now. He laughs again and is able to see humour and light in the darkness that was around him for so many years...

Anyway, because of these things and the poem I read today, I had an urge to read a little more about others' experiences and found this interesting article, written by a woman who experiences schizophrenia.....

What Is It Like to Have Schizophrenia?

Despite her illness, Janice Jordan has successfully accomplished work as a technical editor for over 20 years and has completed a book of poetry based on her experiences.

“The schizophrenic experience can be a terrifying journey through a world of madness no one can understand, particularly the person travelling through it. It is a journey through a world that is deranged, empty, and devoid of anchors to reality. You feel very much alone. You find it easier to withdraw than cope with a reality that is incongruent with your fantasy world. You feel tormented by distorted perceptions. You cannot distinguish what is real from what is unreal. Schizophrenia affects all aspects of your life. Your thoughts race and you feel fragmented and so very alone with your “craziness...”
“I have suffered from schizophrenia for over 25 years. In fact, I can't think of a time when I wasn't plagued with hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. At times, I feel like the operator in my brain just doesn't get the message to the right people. It can be very confusing to have to deal with different people in my head. When I become fragmented in my thinking, I start to have my worst problems. I have been hospitalized because of this illness many times, sometimes for as long as 2 to 4 months.
I guess the moment I started recovering was when I asked for help in coping with the schizophrenia. For so long, I refused to accept that I had a serious mental illness. During my adolescence, I thought I was just strange. I was afraid all the time. I had my own fantasy world and spent many days lost in it.
I had one particular friend. I called him the “Controller.” He was my secret friend. He took on all of my bad feelings. He was the sum total of my negative feelings and my paranoia. I could see him and hear him, but no one else could.
The problems were compounded when I went off to college. Suddenly, the Controller started demanding all my time and energy. He would punish me if I did something he didn't like. He spent a lot of time yelling at me and making me feel wicked. I didn't know how to stop him from screaming at me and ruling my existence. It got to the point where I couldn't decipher reality from what the Controller was screaming. So I withdrew from society and reality. I couldn't tell anyone what was happening because I was so afraid of being labelled as “crazy.” I didn't understand what was going on in my head. I really thought that other “normal” people had Controllers too.
While the Controller was his most evident, I was desperately trying to earn my degree. The Controller was preventing me from coping with everyday events. I tried to hide this illness from everyone, particularly my family. How could I tell my family that I had this person inside my head, telling me what to do, think, and say?
It was becoming more and more difficult to attend classes and understand the subject matter. I spent most of my time listening to the Controller and his demands. I really don't know how I made it through college...
Since my degree was in education, I got a job teaching third grade. That lasted about 3 months, and then I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months. I just wasn't functioning in the outside world. I was very delusional and paranoid, and I spent much of my time engrossed with my fantasy world and the Controller.
My first therapist tried to get me to open up, but...I didn't trust her and couldn't tell her about the Controller. I was still so afraid of being labelled “crazy.” I really thought that I had done something evil in my life and that was why I had this craziness in my head. I was deathly afraid that I would end up like my three uncles, all of whom had committed suicide.
I didn't trust anyone. I thought perhaps I had a special calling in life, something beyond normal. Even though the Controller spent most of the time yelling his demands, I think I felt blessed in some strange way. I felt “above normal.” I think I had the most difficulty accepting that the Controller was only in my world and not in everyone else's world. I honestly thought everyone could see and hear him...I thought the world could read my mind and everything I imagined was being broadcast to the entire world. I walked around paralyzed with fear...
My psychosis was present at all times. At one point, I would look at my coworkers and their faces would become distorted. Their teeth looked like fangs ready to devour me. Most of the time I couldn't trust myself to look at anyone for fear of being swallowed. I had no respite from the illness... I knew something was wrong, and I blamed myself. None of my siblings have this illness, so I believed I was the wicked one.
I felt like I was running around in circles, not going anywhere but down into the abyss of “craziness.” Why had I been plagued with this illness? Why would God do this to me? Everyone around me was looking to blame someone or something. I blamed myself. I was sure it was my fault because I just knew I was wicked. I could see no other possibilities...
I do know that I could not have made it as far as I have today without the love and support of my family, my therapists, and my friends. It was their faith in my ability to overcome this potentially devastating illness that carried me through this journey.
...So many wonderful medications are now available to help alleviate the symptoms of mental illness. It is up to us, people with schizophrenia, to be patient and to be trusting. We must believe that tomorrow is another day, perhaps one day closer to fully understanding schizophrenia, to knowing its cause, and to finding a cure...”