Message thoughts..

Well, I woke up quite early this morning after getting a decent night's sleep. Before I went to bed last night, I decided to read all of the old emails that I received from the person I love, dated from March 1st 2005 - nearly two years ago;luckily I'd printed these off and saved them, which was a good thing I did, as they were on my old PC which conked out a long time ago and thus would've meant that I'd have lost all of these precious messages. I thought to myself that although I'd had a shit day, his messages would make me feel happier and indeed bring a warm glow to my heart.
To read these messages and reflect on this time, brought a few tears to my eyes, not in a depressing way but in a reflecting way. I remember being so touched by meeting this person and a great need to see him again.
I remember so clearly, so many things about the first night that I met him. I also remember standing with him in the Old Market Square of Nottingham and talking about our live's complications - I guess I was trying to push him away at this point because I didn't think it was fair for him to have to deal with what my life was like back then and the complicated situation I was in..however, he was persistent and insisted we saw each other again. This persistence worked wonders! I also remember that we tried to go for a coffee together but the place we wanted to go to, was closed. So instead, we sat at a bus stop and talked about a lot of different things - Iceland being one of the subjects of our discussion.
Anyway, back to the messages! The messages are really touching, sweet and revealed to me that I'd met a person with a lot of depth, imagination and passion. I remember when I first read them, that they moved me in some strange way and just were 'me' in many ways too. Almost like when a person you meet, gives you that sense of letting you finally be 'who you really are on a romantic, imaginative and passionate level' and awakening of who you really are and indeed want to be.. I'd searched for this feeling all of my life with men but never found the sort of depth I found with my new found love.
The messages brought a smile to my face and made me think about where we are today as people and indeed how much has changed in our lives since this time. For me, many things have changed for the better. One thing's for sure though, although we know each other a lot better than when we first met - I still feel the emotions that I felt on that February night in 2005..

God! I Could Fucking Scream............

Today, I woke up feeling fine. As the day went on, I started to feel like the way I live my life is futile. The ridiculousness of chasing up data for my job, which in fact isn't my bloody responsibilty, especially when I've qualified to be a teacher, really grates on me..
My eldest son too, is really grating on me. I was told to 'F*** off' this morning. Been called a 'fat cow and to stop eating less' amongst a load of other abuse. Makes me laugh cos I don't eat loads and I never brought him up to call people names like that..Where have I gone wrong? (I guess the politicians and moralists would be banging on about 'single parenting' bullshit!)
I seriously want to knock his head off right now but I've grounded him instead. I actually, at this moment in time wouldn't give a damn if he went to live abroad with his father. I'd be happy about this right now...harsh words I know but truthful and will be probably be regrestful in the morning.
I'm also sick of my ex still not having a proper place to live and relying on others - 43 years old and drifting along, as though the world will all fall into place really pisses me off!! I'm sick to the back teeth of it, in all honesty...I try to be kind and helpful but I sometimes feel that by acting this way, doesn't actually help some people to get their shit together - ie; HIM.
I feel like proper fucking off today and never returning to this 'life as I know it' right now. I'm having a bad day, so don't take it all literally..I'm just sounding out that's all. I'm sure I'll feel a lot calmer tomorrow when I've slept and wake up refreshed.
My Mum, when she was alive and when the 'homelife' became too much, used to take herself off for 3 days or so. I actually think I've inherited some of her 'flitting off' genes, when everything feels too much. She'd just leave the house, without telling us where she was going and then return, when her head was clear. I can totally relate to the need for doing this at times.
I actually keep thinking myself about a life elsewhere. I really feel like I could do with living in a slower, calmer and not so manic environment, away from the hustle and bustle that Nottingham and the cities of England, are beginning to feel like... I can't see me doing this for a long, long time in all honesty but the feeling of itchy feet is becoming a regular thought in my mind...
Oh well chin up Sara, new day tomorrow - it'll soon be here!

Those whom depart us......

Last week, a dear work colleague's son, died at the age of 29 years old from a problem with his heart. When I heard this news, tears overcame me and I couldn't but feel such a sadness for my colleague and the depth of loss, that she must've been feeling as a mother; How difficult and unimaginable it must be to lose a son like this - unexpectedly and with no warning.
His death made me think about how I felt when I lost my Mum and the emotions one encounters when you lose a loved one;disbelief, shock, a sadness that you've never experienced before in your life, anger, futility, reflection, pain and many more emotions.
It also made me realise that life is so valuable, in so many ways. We are but here, for such a short time, in the grand scheme of things that we should live life to the best that we can; give love to those whom we hold dear, let those we love - know that we love them, enjoy each moment as a precious moment, value nature and all of the beauty that we have around us when we can. In many ways, we should go with what is right for us and indeed enjoy life as much as we can...and indeed ensure that we live a life that gives us the fulfillment that each of us deserve.
So, today I still feel a sense of sadness when I think about my work colleague and her loss. I think about my Mum and the loveliness she also gave to me throughout my life. I also get to thinking about the 'cosmic' reasons surrounding life..do we just die? Or do our souls move on to another realm? I wonder about these things so much that I guess this is a question I'll never know the answer to..then again, sometimes in life it's good to have unanswered questions.

For my dear work colleague Jenny -may comfort and strength be with you at this difficult time...

Don't be Sad....

For my dear loved one....

Sensing Sadness

I can feel the sadness
In his heart
I want to hold him
Closely.

I can sense the pain
In his voice
I want to love him
Always.

I can see the worry
In his eyes
I want him to see
Clarity.

I offer to him
A warmth
Of love and sincerity
Forever.

Heart Pangs

Hmm tis a weird one but since my friend Lorna left today, I started to feel the 'heart pangs' again; Sitting at my PC and thinking about the person I love so much..
Sometimes I guess as people, we try to suppress feelings, to protect our hearts and as a way of coping with so much love in our hearts but I realise, that you really can't suppress strong feelings because they always re-surface when you least expect it! I guess the human heart, mind and instinct, likes to continually communicate with us about such things..I guess too, it's refreshing to be able to 'feel' such strong emotion...I'm actually happy and indeed content that I have the capacity to be able to 'go with' these feelings and indeed, not let them carry me away on some negative trip but rather, be grateful that I have such strong emotion...

Dance, Drink, Eat, Be Happy and reflectivity...

Hello out there in cyberworld..pretty much had a good weekend. Dancing and necking back Jaegermeisters on Friday. Saturday, chilled out and my friend came over for take away curry and basically chilling out' early night for me - 11.30pm on a Saturday is what I call pretty early. However this was good because I woke up this morning early and refreshed for the day ahead. So, I decided to go for a small walk and a Sunday dinner in a local pub...very filling indeed, in fact, I feel FULL!!!!!
I was somewhat sad about Saturday night, as the person I love rang me and enquired as to what I was doing. I would've loved to have seen him but I'd already planned to spend the time with my mate Lorna...I still had a good time though but it would've been lovely to share the night with him, I'm sure. I love spending time with him and I wish we did spend more time together but I know it'll be great to see him again, when I do visit him soon..

Been reading a scary story in the newspaper about the US inventing some sort of device to reflect the sun's rays, in the hope of slowing down global warming..Hmmm, suspicious about this one.
Ain't it about time people actually got out of their cars, stopped being so wasteful, had access to better and efficient ways of living, blah blah blah? Maybe this would slow down things a little re.global warming..I'm sick to the back teeth that the planet has got to where it is, when some of us environmental beings have been banging on about change since the 60s for god's sake! George W, the sooner you exit the Whitehouse, the better!!!!!

Magical

Although as stated in my previous posts, I'm just a friend to the person I love, it's such a weird one. I went to see him again last night and the more time I spend in his company, my feelings are always the same for him..I don't know what it is with me and him but there always feels like some 'cosmic' understanding is there between us...I have such strong feelings. I didn't cry when I left him last night, Iwas in a happy, silly mood...however when I think about certain things, as I have this morning, I feel like crying. Not in a bad way, but just because of the depth of feelings I guess, that I do have for him.

Sometimes I think to myself -
'I wish our lives were different, or indeed, more similar..sometimes I don't think this should be an issue. Sometimes I feel like I want to let him 'fly away' and meet a woman around his own age, who he can settle down with and experience the 'family' sort of life, that I've experienced as a Mother. Sometimes I wish we could just run off together and be together in our own bubble. Sometimes, I don't know what to think. Sometimes, I have to break off from these feelings because I feel so sad. Sometimes, I think about the passionate times we've shared (actually this is a regular occurrence rather than a sometimes) Even as I was waiting to get on the bus last night, my heart flipped and I got a dull ache in my stomach's pit when I thought about certain moments with him...
I think I'm stronger now than I used to be, regarding my emotions but the depth of feeling never departs me.

My, does my world feel like a good place this week

Apart from egomaniacs, my world is feeling like a good place. My kids seem a lot more settled, I'm going with the flow re:my job, I have a busy weekend lined up and I'm just enjoying life without emotional crap.
I'm loving my house and the peace I feel at night. I'm actually feeling like I don't need many people around me anymore. This is good for me. Indeed, many of my friends have fallen into steady relationships. I still thought we'd all have quite a bit of contact but it has to be said, that this has dwindled. Strange really how people put their all into relationships and drift away slightly from friendships. In many ways though, I understand this but also, I appreciate this; it's made me realise that I can be really happy without another person to fulfill me..I fulfill myself, my kids fulfill me, my job (mainly) fulfills me.
I'm liking the fact that I'm enjoying a solitary way of being again and indeed a lot more self-reliant on an emotional level. Not needing friends to offload to, liking who I am and enjoying the real simple things in my life. I'd actually love to go off on a retreat somewhere....a dear friend was suggesting this to me the other day and I reckon I'd love it...It won't be happening right now though..maybe later in the year. I'll have my own little retreat when I head off into the Peaks for further happiness and solace.

Thought for the day........

Beware those with a larger than life ego! I say,

"GET REAL YOU TWATS, YOU'RE JUST LIKE ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING! The quicker these people understand this, then a better place the world will be!

The First Snows of 2007

Hooray! Snow has descended on Nottingham. I love snow! At these times, I want to be high up in the Peaks and admiring the beauty of the beautiful white blanket of this magical substance...
Been enquiring about staying in the Peaks in February and hopefully, this will materialise...I feel a great urge to get off out into the beautiful scenery of Edale - never do I tire of this magical place.I've been visiting there over 12 years now and it's now like an annual, regular ritual for me to visit there and indeed, appreciate the beauty I find when I'm there. B and B sounds the way forward in February.I'd love fo there to be thick blankets ofsnow covering the beautiful landscape but I fear the snows of January will be long gone...I await some wonderful walks and peace of mind.
Looking forward to meeting up with a few friends on Friday, to go to one of my favourite club nights. Always a good atmosphere and friendly vibe..I await getting my body into a dancing mentality.
I'm also visiting my friend tomorrow night, however, I now realise that our friendship, through his decision, has become non -physical again..I guess he's searching for something else in life and I'm not that 'something else'...which I guess, I now have to come to a point of acceptance and realisation about this and slowly drift forward...

Awaiting.........

OK, so now I live a little more for the present, in some respects however, I do love to think about things I want to do in the near future. I have a week free from work in February and feel tempted to sod off to The Peaks for a few nights, whilst my son stays with his Dad. I'm thinking off possibly staying in a YHA place in Edale, or maybe a B and B if I can get a room. I could just do with some good, strenuous walking to start getting my body ready for spring time.
I'm also seriously contemplating visiting my friends in Mauritius. It's damned expensive but if I got my act together, got a new credit card - I reckon I could do it. I have until August to save and so far, I've managed to bank £100..not much but alot in my case. I know it'd be a chance of a lifetime to visit there and my freinds have assured me that it's right 'up my street' re. the culture out there. So, we'll see...
I'd love to do some European travel too and visit and old mate in Denmark but I'll hang fire with that one for now I think. If Mauritius doesn't materialise then I'll probably end up on a last minute whim somewhere. I'd actually love and indeed dream to visit Venice one day - it looks so enchanting! Better get saving the pennies, if I can afford to..I'll feedback to you the saving's progress in 6 months! I envisage 250 being the max - we'll see..

Child of Neptune

Apparently, according to some silly quiz that a friend sent to me - I'm a child of Neptune..

http://www.myspace.com/wildflowermoonchild

Check out the link to find a detailed description about me...Seems to be pretty accurate in some ways.
I think I've gotten over my earlier blip. My head just went into a weird headspace for a bit..It does that now and then. It starts to wonder off and get really contemplative and reflective. I just have so many dreams about so many things, that I guess it all consumes me at times.
I mean, yesterday I sit there on my sofa, reading the newspaper and start dreaming off in some fantasy about being with the person I love and sharing this moment. I always have fantasies about doing different things with him..Is this a good thing or a bad thing? This has been my head state now for nearly 2 years!
Thoughts of him, enter my head most of the day..as soon as I wake up, there he is, in my head. Whilst I'm at work, there he is, in my head. Cycling on my bike, there he is, in my head. Out with friends, there he is, in my head. Cooking food, there he is, in my head..
Blimey, I guess I feel a bit like Frida Kahlo and the love she felt for Diego - the picture she painted of her and him with his face being imprinted right there in her mind's eye, said it all for me...constantly on her mind, in her thoughts and implying that he was always a part of her...

The Fool

Ever get the feeling that maybe, you're being taken for a fool? Hmm... I need to think carefully about this one..I really do. My instinct is telling me something a bit worrying and has actually started to trouble me in the last hour or so.

Am I right to follow my instinct or is my mind just playing tricks on me? I think I need to go back to bed and cry..........

There is hope..

My daily job involves working with many different people, with all sorts of problems. Recently, I worked with a wonderful student, who has schizophrenia and who was such a treasure to teach. I couldn't believe the amount of poetry this student could recite and recount from his distant memory. We used to have long conversations about his 'illness'. I actually don't always like to think of schizophrenia as an 'illness' because who actually knows the true facts about this condition?
Much research is still being carried out about schizophrenia and I'm sure much more will be found out about it. I've also read a poem today about someone who talks about 'voices and sounds in their head', which struck a chord somewhat, due to my own personal experiences of friends who experience this.
My son's uncle is a diagnosed 'paranoid schizohprenic'. He was diagnosed about 12 years ago at the height of his psychosis. At this time he was extremely paranoid - he thought he was being bugged by th police when he was in a certain pub. He was violent to his brother (my ex) and often tried to beat the shit out of him. He burned a cross onto his arm which left a huge scar. He saw all sorts of strange 'people' which I couldn't see. He believed that he was in some sort of relationship with a woman at a school, who in fact, he'd never met before. At the height of his psychosis, it was necessary for his family to encourage, or should I say 'coerce' him into hospital because he was a danger to himself mainly; We were all fearful that he was about to do something that would risk his life - his behaviour had pointed to this over time. At this time, he couldn't see this and hated his family for coercing him to be 'sectioned' under the mental health act.
Today? He's a lot better. He takes medication although he hates it at times. He sometimes stops his medication for a few months but then tends to get worse again. In many ways, he feels his own schizophrenia was caused by too many drugs in his early years - amphetamines, LSD and Cannabis were his drugs of choice. He also thinks part of his childhood was to blame because his mother was always 'vacant' - being an alcoholic and a single parent. She also tended to be a little violent towards him and apparently, he suffered the worse out of all of the children.
On the positive though, he's doing well now. He goes to college, he maintains a boat for himself, he has a good social life and good friends. He trusts people a little better than he did, he jokes about his 'illness' rather than getting embarrassed and angry about it. He accepts that this is the way he right now. He laughs again and is able to see humour and light in the darkness that was around him for so many years...

Anyway, because of these things and the poem I read today, I had an urge to read a little more about others' experiences and found this interesting article, written by a woman who experiences schizophrenia.....

What Is It Like to Have Schizophrenia?

Despite her illness, Janice Jordan has successfully accomplished work as a technical editor for over 20 years and has completed a book of poetry based on her experiences.

“The schizophrenic experience can be a terrifying journey through a world of madness no one can understand, particularly the person travelling through it. It is a journey through a world that is deranged, empty, and devoid of anchors to reality. You feel very much alone. You find it easier to withdraw than cope with a reality that is incongruent with your fantasy world. You feel tormented by distorted perceptions. You cannot distinguish what is real from what is unreal. Schizophrenia affects all aspects of your life. Your thoughts race and you feel fragmented and so very alone with your “craziness...”
“I have suffered from schizophrenia for over 25 years. In fact, I can't think of a time when I wasn't plagued with hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. At times, I feel like the operator in my brain just doesn't get the message to the right people. It can be very confusing to have to deal with different people in my head. When I become fragmented in my thinking, I start to have my worst problems. I have been hospitalized because of this illness many times, sometimes for as long as 2 to 4 months.
I guess the moment I started recovering was when I asked for help in coping with the schizophrenia. For so long, I refused to accept that I had a serious mental illness. During my adolescence, I thought I was just strange. I was afraid all the time. I had my own fantasy world and spent many days lost in it.
I had one particular friend. I called him the “Controller.” He was my secret friend. He took on all of my bad feelings. He was the sum total of my negative feelings and my paranoia. I could see him and hear him, but no one else could.
The problems were compounded when I went off to college. Suddenly, the Controller started demanding all my time and energy. He would punish me if I did something he didn't like. He spent a lot of time yelling at me and making me feel wicked. I didn't know how to stop him from screaming at me and ruling my existence. It got to the point where I couldn't decipher reality from what the Controller was screaming. So I withdrew from society and reality. I couldn't tell anyone what was happening because I was so afraid of being labelled as “crazy.” I didn't understand what was going on in my head. I really thought that other “normal” people had Controllers too.
While the Controller was his most evident, I was desperately trying to earn my degree. The Controller was preventing me from coping with everyday events. I tried to hide this illness from everyone, particularly my family. How could I tell my family that I had this person inside my head, telling me what to do, think, and say?
It was becoming more and more difficult to attend classes and understand the subject matter. I spent most of my time listening to the Controller and his demands. I really don't know how I made it through college...
Since my degree was in education, I got a job teaching third grade. That lasted about 3 months, and then I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months. I just wasn't functioning in the outside world. I was very delusional and paranoid, and I spent much of my time engrossed with my fantasy world and the Controller.
My first therapist tried to get me to open up, but...I didn't trust her and couldn't tell her about the Controller. I was still so afraid of being labelled “crazy.” I really thought that I had done something evil in my life and that was why I had this craziness in my head. I was deathly afraid that I would end up like my three uncles, all of whom had committed suicide.
I didn't trust anyone. I thought perhaps I had a special calling in life, something beyond normal. Even though the Controller spent most of the time yelling his demands, I think I felt blessed in some strange way. I felt “above normal.” I think I had the most difficulty accepting that the Controller was only in my world and not in everyone else's world. I honestly thought everyone could see and hear him...I thought the world could read my mind and everything I imagined was being broadcast to the entire world. I walked around paralyzed with fear...
My psychosis was present at all times. At one point, I would look at my coworkers and their faces would become distorted. Their teeth looked like fangs ready to devour me. Most of the time I couldn't trust myself to look at anyone for fear of being swallowed. I had no respite from the illness... I knew something was wrong, and I blamed myself. None of my siblings have this illness, so I believed I was the wicked one.
I felt like I was running around in circles, not going anywhere but down into the abyss of “craziness.” Why had I been plagued with this illness? Why would God do this to me? Everyone around me was looking to blame someone or something. I blamed myself. I was sure it was my fault because I just knew I was wicked. I could see no other possibilities...
I do know that I could not have made it as far as I have today without the love and support of my family, my therapists, and my friends. It was their faith in my ability to overcome this potentially devastating illness that carried me through this journey.
...So many wonderful medications are now available to help alleviate the symptoms of mental illness. It is up to us, people with schizophrenia, to be patient and to be trusting. We must believe that tomorrow is another day, perhaps one day closer to fully understanding schizophrenia, to knowing its cause, and to finding a cure...”

The joys of the weekend

Once again, I've had a lovely weekend. Saturday, I took things easy and read the paper. My eldest son went to see a Notts County match, which meant the whole house was mine again.My youngest son, was with his father as always, for the weekend.
I love being alone in the house, it gives me such a sense of peace and reflection. It lets me have the space my head needs right now.
Last night, I met up with some friends and went to a heavy 'dub reggae night'. What a wonderful night. The atmosphere was a really happy, friendly vibe and left me reminising about the beauty of the simple things in life; music, friends, nature -feeling like the world's a beautiful place. Again, I missed the person I love and wished he were with me but sometimes in life, you just have to accept things as they are and enjoy the times I do spend with him.
I walked home from the bus stop, which felt like quite a walk but it wasn't really (I was just tired, that's why it felt like a long walk.) I loved the stillness of the night. It was approx 4am and all around me was silence. No cars, no people, no business. Just me and my loving of the sights and sounds of nature around me; trees' branches were blowing and swaying in the wind, darkness was all around me except for the orangey tinge of street lights.
I love being out in the night when the world is so peaceful...there's something so magical and relaxing about it..
Today? I'm taking things easy..I was going to head into the city to a clothing fair but I'm a bit too tired to be honest, so I think I'll do something constructive as the day's weather has lent itself to this -like tidying my garden on this beautiful, sunny day.

Are we destined?

I've been thinking a lot recently about whether or not, our life map is pre determined. Are we, indeed at the hands of some larger force in the universe, that maps out our paths in life? I really don't know.
I sometimes think that maybe our life is mapped out, then other times, I argue with myself about this. It's like the scenario when you just know certain things are going to happen. Like the times when you know the phone is going to ring. The times when you and a friend both ring at the same time - like you're on some level of consciousness, that is felt by both of you.
The reason I'm interested in this is because of the love I have in my heart.
The first time I met the person I'm in deep love with, was extremely profound for me. I remember spending ages talking to him and feeling as though I'd known this person for ages. I felt as though our minds were just completely on the same level of conciousness. I felt that we were extremely similar, in the way we described and indeed became impassioned, about things in life. I knew I had to see this person again and see him, I did.
Although over time there's been differing complications and ups and downs, the early part of last year, we weren't in too much contact however, in my heart, I knew he'd be in contact with me again someday. I can't explain why I knew this but it was just a feeling inside, that kept on surfacing.
I also know that when I'm in his company and having discussions, I often think about a phrase or a subject and he often finishes off the sentence, or indeed knows what I'm going to say next. I've never had this huge sense of connection with anyone in my entire life.
Therefore, I do often go 'off in my head about ideas and thoughts' regarding the universe and destiny and indeed wondering about whether in the universe and on the grand scale of things, certain people are meant, even destined to find each other, to complete the puzzle, or the missing piece out of the jigsaw, so to speak.

Desperately Seeking Closure

Well, as you know, I've now been split with my ex for quite some time. However, due to my ex having no proper 'living' address as yet, it's proving tough at times. At the moment, my ex stays at different places during the week. I know this is getting him down but it's also getting me down because I still feel like there's a part of him that I can't completely close off too, due to me storing alot of his stuff. I actually really want to clear the house of so many things but feel that I'm unable to do this at the moment. For me, when I move on in life, I have to 'physically' move on too - this can be in the form of redecorating the house to feel a sense of my 'owness'.
I just wish he'd get a grip on some level, get a job and rent privately. I understand his dilemma because he wants to get a housing association place, so that he can have an extra room for our son to stay with him. At the moment, he stays with his sister, brother and at my place now and then.
This, I'm not happy about but I'm trying to be calm about it and remember that this is a small thing, in the 'bigger picture' of time and life. I'd also hate to see him in a hostel but also if this were the case, he'd then lose his right to be housed, in an area close to his son. The housing situation really grates at times; The council have no accommodation for years - so much for social housing. Housing policy has meant that social housing has become harder and harder to attain. Luckily, my ex has a lot of points on a housing association list which hopefully means, he'll get a decent place of his own soon. I await with anticipation and urgency..
At times, I get angry about this situation but I always try and remember that I want to be of support and indeed understand the situation he's in. I know this will happen all in good time but sometimes, I just get fed up with the suituation. The main thing for me is, that my son is OK, sees his father regularly and enjoys building up his relationships with his Dad's family. Financially, I don't give a damn. I know from friends,that this is a big 'fighting block' for people who split up. Luckily, we have no mortgage together or joint finances..this has made things really simple in many ways. I actually don't even ask for any money from him at the moment, because his situation right now, doesn't lend itself to be able to do this. As long as he maintains contact with his son, is paramount to me. Luckily, our son has taken the split in his own stride. The good thing now, is that he's not confined to listening to two terribly unhappy people, bickering and arguing, as was sadly the case, when we lived together.
Funnily enough, for my ex, although the relationship break-up in some ways has been hard but necessary, positive things have occured because of this. He's now in touch with his Mum more and stays with his sister for most of the week, building on years of having no contact with her. Furthermore, my son has also been introduced to his Father's side of the family on a larger scale and this I'm glad for because before, he had hardly any contact whatsoever. He had good contact with his uncle but not his aunt and Grandmother. My son now looks so forward to staying with his Dad and his aunt at the weekends because he now has another cousing who he loves being cheeky too and playing with.
So, time will change these issues I know and I hope the best for my ex in the future. I know he'll be fine once he has a place of his own and indeed is able to start a new life in a place that he can call his and his son's home.

Hmm..I despair sometimes

Had a lovely day today; Hair done, budget shopping for bargains - and bargains did I find. I bought myself a lovely pair of black boots and a gorgeous red and black skirt, that had been reduced in the sale. Lucky me- at a grand cost of under £30! Bloody bargain.
I enjoyed walking around the city and felt quite at peace with the world. I then went off to a cafe for something to eat and to read my book. Unfortunately there were no 'proper height' dining tables to eat at, which distressed me a little because I'd ordered soup and had visioons of me spilling it all over me! Anyway, to put a bit of a dark cloud on my day, I noticed a free 'proper height' dining table and moved ahead to sit at it. A woman and her boyfriend went to sit at it too. I asked if they minded if I sat there, as I'd ordered some soup and wouldn't be able to eat it properly, as I didn't have a proper table to eat at. The woman looked at me and uttered the assertive words
"Yes I do mind"
I stared an icy stare that would've froze her on the spot, if I had magical powers! Sadly, I don't bloody have magical powers. I sat and thought about this. I'd actually been in the cafe before her and the staff had said I could have the next available table. I thought to myself, some people are just so 'self interested' and so unthoughtful. For God's sake I could've used the table and then moved away from it afterwards.
So, apart from this despairing and loathing for humanity at times, the day's been a good one.

Ethereal

My feelings?
Still the same
To be with you?
Ignites my flame.
Of love and desire;
Wild, glowing fire.
Illumination;your face
This heart does race.
In you I find a heaven;
A softness
Unknown before.
Opening my inner core
Love evermore.

'Rock Chick' memories

Today, I've been listening to some of my old metal collection of music. In times gone by and I guess to a little extent now, I was a bit of a 'rock chick' , I'll have you know. I have absolutley fond memories of raucous nights at Rock City, The Tap and Tumbler, The Salutation, Trip to Jerusalem, The Angel, The 'old' Dragon and The Castle. I used to be big into metal and indeed grungy rock; Metallica, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, ACDC, Black Sabbath, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Faith No More, The Breeders, The Scorpions(Ughh) Pink Floyd, loads more when I think about it.
I loved that scene at the time although I hated the 'macho' crap that went along with it! I mean some of the men....well, the word misogyny always springs to mind when I think about them. Not all of them of course but quite a fair few. The rock scene does tend to breed misogyny in some ways.
I sort of preferred the 'indie/punk' scene I guess, as I thought the male population semed to be a little more enlightened about women and the like. I know I'm generalising here but that was my experience of the scene, when I frequented it. Indeed the punk scene was pretty big on women's issues thinking about it..
I remember one guy I met, many, many years ago(20 years to be precise, fuck! ) who asked me out on a date. He met me in Nottingham and was completely off his box on acid! The good thing though, was that he saw my eyes as 'butterflies' which was really quite endearing in many ways. I liked to think of my eyes as fluttery butterflies..must've been my make up and the colour of my irises that gave the butterfly effect! He also kept on trying to suggest that I was a 'real rock chick'..Dear me. What constitutes a rock chick? I guess I had the hair, the clothes, the look, back then..maybe?
Anyway, God knows why the poor soul chose to meet me whilst off his head on acid! The sad thing was, he hardly could talk and therefore, I never knew much about him, which was pretty much a good thing really, as I moved abroad shortly after making his aquaintance to continue Rock Chick antics in all things 'scandinavian style'. Hmm I have much, much more to write about, regarding this time. But not today........

Hmmm tempting

Job Title

Curriculum Leader – Foundation Studies
Basis - Full time
Region - Yorkshire & the Humber
Organisation - Rotherham College of Arts and Technology

Serious about inclusive learning? Then join a college with the same commitment.
The Faculty of Skills for Life is currently seeking a motivated, enthusiastic and committed individual to join the team and make a difference to the learning experience of our students.
The inclusive learning enthusiast we require will join our team supporting LLDD students by delivering a range of programmes, including Skills for Working Life alongside literacy and numeracy skills. As a Curriculum Leader you will take the lead in the co-ordination and internal verification of the qualification.


Been emailed this job today, along with a few others and quite like the sound of this one. How far's Rotherham from Sheffield? Is it close to the Peaks? I wonder...hmmm

Madness Dreams

Once again, I'm dreaming quite a bit. Last night's was about the person I love's, ex girlfriend. I've never met this person before on a talking level, although I vaguely remember her face, from the first time I met my loved one. I remember she walked out of the toilet in a club, as my friend and I walked into the toilet. She looked at me.
Little did I know that I was about to be confronted with the fact that this was my loved one's ex. After meeting my loved one for the first time and sitting down together with a drink, he revealed to me that his ex was in the club and pointed out to me, who she was...what a strange twist of fate really. I actually remember feeling a little uncomfortable about this, as I really didn't want to cause her any upset. He said that this was fine and it was over - full stop! There was indeed, no need to worry. I trusted this remark.

Anyway, the dream?
I was having my hair done at a hairdressers. At this point in time(in the dream) I'm in a relationship with my loved one and happily so. His ex walks into the hairdressers and sits down opposite me. She notices me and screams a load of abuse at me and then tries to make her way over to me, to hit me!
I end up trying to calm the situation down and then decide to leave as I feel this is the best for all concerned. I depart the dream with her still yelling at me!

Blimey, what an odd, strange dream. I really need to stop eating cheese before I sleep! Never been a fan of violent dreams really

To teach is a therapy at times...

Waking up on this miserable, rainy day today, made me want to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers all day. Luckily I dragged myself out of bed ready for work. I had a good day teaching today and felt so appreciated by the students whom I was teaching; hardcore offenders who have a tendency to be extremely violent, yet who are as meek as lambs, at times. Funnily enough, I never judge these people - I take them as I find them. At the end of the day, they're still human beings to me and deserve to be treated with the respect we all deserve to be treated with. Anyway, the day was a good one and I came away feeling as though something good had been achieved, which had the effect of me feeeling happy! And we must remember that if people like Mr Zephaniah and the like, can prove to us that there is another way- a crime -free way, then that makes feel that work I do is invaluable to those who encounter the 'college' experience.
I've been invited to a few things at the weekend but waiting to see how I feel at the end of the week - if the sun shines, I atually feel like sodding off for the night, maybe to Derbyshire. If it stays miserable, then who knows. Saying that, there'a a retro clothing fair being held in Nottingham and I'd really like to go and see if I can find some interesting clothes/accessories.
Hmm I love retro/old and different clothing, much better than the trashy fashion one encounters in stores at the minute...

Class?

Today I was in an interesting, high brow meeting. I came out of it thinking - " My God, is there ever really any hope for some people?" Saying that, I'm a believer in trying to maintain hope because if I don't and you don't and no one don't then who does?
Anyway, this song and lyrics by John Lennon, have touched me today and reminded me that class is still as important today as it's always been....

Working Class Hero

As soon as your born they make you feel small,

By giving you no time instead of it all,

Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all,

A working class hero is something to be,

A working class hero is something to be.

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school,

They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool,

Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules,

A working class hero is something to be,

A working class hero is something to be.

When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years,

Then they expect you to pick a career,

When you can't really function you're so full of fear,

A working class hero is something to be,

A working class hero is something to be.

Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV,

And you think you're so clever and classless and free,

But you're still fucking peasents as far as I can see,

A working class hero is something to be,

A working class hero is something to be.

There's room at the top they are telling you still,

But first you must learn how to smile as you kill,

If you want to be like the folks on the hill,

A working class hero is something to be.

A working class hero is something to be.

If you want to be a hero well just follow me,

If you want to be a hero well just follow me.

Monday Blues

Is it just me, or does Monday feel depressing at times? Today, for whatever reason, I feel a wee bit low..bit sad really, especially after I've had a good weekend. I guess it's when you realise that your wishes don't come true and therefore, you have to try and focus on something new -maybe.
Maybe it's just the futility of life at times. I do go through phases of feeling that life can be rather futile but I understand that this can be a destructive thought process and therefore, try and change my focus and see the good things that are in my life. My children, my job, my health, my friends etc etc. Indeed, I am a big believer in finding happiness in simplicity.
I guess I should be happy for this week, as I'm going to have my hair done by an old friend at the end of the week and then I'm hoping to be out on Saturday night, all being well. I'm pretty skint really but it'll be nice to get out a bit and socialise. So here's to a better Tuesday..

Beautiful Day

I woke up this morning, to be welcomed by the golden rays of winter sunshine and crisp air. My mood was one of contentment and freedom, freedom because my life feels as though it's letting me the person I once used to be. I met up with a dear friend in the afternoon at a cinema cafe, ready to go and see The U.S vs John Lennon.
I must say, I really enjoyed this film/docufilm in so many ways. The footage was put together so creatively and thoughtfully. The content also discussed Nixon's attempts and the FBI's at eradicating John Lennon's influence in the U.S at this time in history. It also showed excellent footage of the Vietnam war/Peace Protests and movement around the world. More romantically, it showed John and his dear love, of Yoko Ono; beautifully touching footage of them looking truly in love with each other. Coupled with all of these things, was his music and the effect his music had on many nations at this time. My friend and I were both deeply touched by the film and both shed a tear, quite a few times throughout.
Afterwards, we drank wine and listened to an acoustic session of John Lennon's music in the cafe, which made a touching addition to the eve.
I made my way home and waited for my bus feeling contemplative and happy with the world. A young foreign guy stepped off the bus, I was about to step on to, smiled at at me and asked, in what sounded like broken French, if I'd like his all day bus ticket for my journey. How lovely was that?
I smiled to myself as I sat on the bus ride home and thought to myself - What a beautiful day..

Simplicity

Tonight I watched 'What's eating Gilbert Grape'. I actually really enjoyed the simplicity and warmth of this film. At times, I found the film rather slow but I guess symbollically, that went well with the 'sleepy town' where Gilbert lived. Gilbert's character was such a beautiful one. Such a caring and altruistic character, who thought about others before himself and indeed eventually starts to think of himself a little more towards the end when he finds love. The love found between Gilbert (Johnny Depp) and the girl he falls in love with (Juliette Lewis) is the sort of love that always touches me; simple, true, magical, warm and deep. Romance wasn't part of their love on a 'traditional' basis but romance was there, without having to have 'modern day gimmicks' to feel romantic. The simplicity of the lovers in this film, watching and talking about the sky and nature, falling asleep together on a blanket in the open air until dawn break, was deeply touching and indeed beautiful...it gave you such a sense of a simplistic yet deep, meaningful love. This film confirmed to me that love is simple - it really is. You don't need lots of money, material goods to offer, romantic gifts constantly to feel, or indeed prove love. Love is just there........

The call of tears

Sadness and tears fall
A wild call -
From a dark forest
Burdening my chest.
To love and lose
Hurts the soul, profuse.
Weighted down by depths
Murky, grey, troubled
I wept.

Lazy Bitch Syndrome becomes me...ahhhhhhhhhh

Ahh, to wake up on a Saturday, as I have done today and feel hungover, is a pain. But rather than enduring this painful experience by negativity, the way forward for today, is lazy bitch syndrome. I've made a right mess in my bedroom but this bitch just ain't gonna clean it. No, I've laid in bed all morning. I've read the newspaper. I've read a bit of my book. I've eaten in bed. God, how I love being a lazy bitch at times. It's fab - pure heaven! My youngest son is away with his Dad for the weekends now, so I have no kids to attend to apart from my eldest son and he's pretty self independent anyway. I've been that lazy, that I asked if he'd like to clean up..and you know what? The little angel cleaned all of my downstairs for me;he's going to heaven, is he!

Tonight? I think this lazy bitch is gonna watch a film. Ahh....... to lie in bed with a loved one and watch a film...WAKE UP woman! Get out of fantasy dreamworld again! So it looks like bed, film and chocolate for me tonight, early up tomorrow for a swim and maybe, just maybe, I might head off into the city and catch a film at the cinema. In fact, I'd love to go and watch The US vs John Lennon - it sounds up my street and there's also an acoustic session afterwards, which I think will be just heavenly!

God I fucking love weekends - they're just the best...I also love being a lazy bitch at times, it rocks!

Rejection is my name.....

Rejection? I've been at the boot of rejection, on far too many occasions in my life. I don't know what it is about me but for some reason, rejection seems to be my fate.
My ex?Constant, nghtly rejections - A playstation was more desirable! For God's sake.
The person I love? Confusing rejection. What you call 'Hot and Cold' scenario. One minute I'm great and desirable, the next, I can't go anywhere near him on a physical level!
So I'm a rejected being, facing the wrath of its kick....Oooo what a wonderful life it is!

Always bear in mind....

We enter this world alone. We depart this world alone... A realisation that solitary ways and solitude can sustain the soul, is an enlightenment in itself.

On waking..

My, I'm finding it hard to get out of bed in these dark, cold mornings. However, light becomes me and my mood, when I think about going to visit my loved one tomorrow night. In fact, I can't wait to see him. I'm feeling excited just thinking about it! My stomach flips and I look so forward to spending time together with him.
Anyway, I've started to read a book called The Awakening by Kate Chopin. It's about a woman who falls in love with a younger man and realises that there's more to being a woman, than the expected role of Motherhood and the male expectations,of what a woman should be and indeed what her duties are perceived to be. Bearing in mind, this book was written in the 1900s and thus, women's position in society and expected roles were very different than they are today, in many ways.
What struck a chord with me when I read a synopsis about this book was the need for passion and a sustained desire with someone. I can relate to the need for this so much.I don't know if all women feel the same depth about this subject but to me it's an important aspect of loving someone deeply.
I have such passion and desire for the person I love, that it overwhelmes and all consumes me at times. This is indeed, a good thing! There's nothing worse than feeling undesireable, especially if you are a passionate person yourself!
So, I 'm looking forward to sitting down with this book tonight, in the peace and quiet of my home and indeed, getting excited about tomorrow night..

The Giver of Stars

I love this poem so much. It reminds me about how I feel, when I'm with the person I love. I would hate for anything to ever happen to him, or for him not be a part of my life - even though sometimes, I've said to him that I find it difficult, after I've seen him.
I only find it difficult because of the yearning I feel when i leave him. I miss him when I don't see him.I miss him the next day and the days after, when I've been with him. I've always felt this way. I used to catch the bus home, from his old place and tears would stream down my cheeks as I left him.
Today, I'm able to cope with the emotion a little better and recognise that I need to keep a peaceful and calm state of mind because at the end of the day, I want to cherish each of the special, warm times I do share with him. These times are so wonderful to me.
However, when I reach the 26/27 day of my menstrual cycle, funny enough, I feel all emotional again! Anyway, this is for him..... because he is a giver of stars in my universe!


Hold your soul open for my welcoming.
Let the quiet of your spirit bathe me
With its clear and rippled coolness,
That, loose-limbed and weary, I find rest,
Outstretched upon your peace, as on a bed of ivory.
Let the flickering flame of your soul play all about me,
That into my limbs may come the keenness of fire,
The life and joy of tongues of flame,
And, going out from you, tightly strung and in tune,
I may rouse the blear-eyed world,
And pour into it the beauty which you have begotten.

The healing properties of lyrics

Just before Xmas, I was introduced to sounds of the Delgados. It was a special night and a sad one too. My loved one and I had been in conflict earlier that week and I'd been really upset, so much so, that I found it hard to contemplate so many things and really needed to reflect about alot of things. Luckily, we managed to calm the conflict and I went to see him. He played a CD by The Delgados - The Peel seesions. Anyway, never heard much of their stuff before albeit a few tracks here and there. I must say I was pretty staggered by their sounds but also their lyrics really touched me. I remember listening to them and feeling really sad but also gaining a sense of understanding about people not meaning to be nasty and that at times, people say things that they don't mean. The tracks that specifically touched me that night, were 'I fought the angels', 'Is this all that I came for' and 'Make your Move'. I remember sitting there feeling a sense of sadness but also trying to understand things and also remembering forgiveness and love. It was a special night in many ways and this music made me feel that words didn't need to be spoken. It actually comforted me in some sense ,because the music was enough to explain and communicate what my loved one may've been feeling and indeed, trying to let me understand this.

These are the lyrics I especially love - they speak volumes in many respects.

I fought the angels here today
Hope my defeat will end this play
I only have myself to blame
Everybody knows that
Softly softly wins the game
Trust I'll try to learn again
My words are seldom for a friend
Knew all the time that they came out
Wish I could have them disallowed
Everybody knows that
We say things we do not mean
Everybody knows that
We say things that are unclean
Trust I'll try to learn again
My words are seldom for a friend
Run conversations in my head
Write my own scripts to dish the dread
And if I speak out loud
I will have to change the rules
For speaking out of bounds
If it's practised by a fool
Trust I'll try to learn again
My words are seldom for a friend
So lend me an ear to lean upon
To speak to and learn my speaking from

Focus

I'm starting to change my focus in life on some level. After being at the party last night, it reminded me about being around like minded people and the joys of this. Even though I'd never met any of these people before, we all got on really well.
Socialist type thinkers with similar views to my own, it was good to also talk to a woman called Eileen who's training for the ministry. She's a counsellor too and quite an empowering person to talk to;born in the poor area of Liverpool, struggled as a child with poverty and what it brings, knowing that there was more to life and that inequality is unfair. A woman with some deep convictions and solid views.
She commented about how she thought I was a very spiritual, enlightened person and glad that I saw the bigger picture in life, re. materialism and money.
I noted to her that I am interested by religion but not and never will be, a 'Christian'. I'm more interested in the philosophy of Buddhism but also the natural aspects of Wicca. I don't follow these as a saint, as such but I have read alot about Buddhism and Wicca. I like what their doctrines are about; compassion, treating people with respect, not harming people, looking afte the planet and nature, nurturing each other, using plants to heal, celebrating nature and the seasons.Simplistic beliefs that are so needed in these ever increasing, difficult times.
It's made me want to simplify my life again. Find a true focus and work on this. I actually have thought of possibly becoming 'active' again on a political level - maybe use my Saturdays to help an orgnisation that I have faith in...I'm actually really interested in the Community Squat Project in Nottingham..I may go along and see if they want any help with the workshops etc, that they are providing to the community and indeed get involved on a 'grass roots' level again.

Hmm last night, although drunken and fun, was also quite therapeutic.

Hmmm I wonder........

I've just read an interesting poem from my favourite forum, that talks about love and not knowing how to prove it. It's got me thinking about my own stuff in a weird sort of way. For me, I'm a demonstrative and vocal person. However, I do feel with love that although I speak of love and write about my feelings alot, through this 'fairly private' blog and through poems - deep down, love is just a feeling. Simple as. It's actually easy really and there's nothing difficult about it.

It's a weird one but you just know it, when you feel it. I guess really what I'm saying is, the proof is in the feelings that become apparent, when two people share special intimate times and continue to do so and indeed, want to continue to!
For me, when I see my loved one, I just get a strange but happy feeling, he lights up the moment. Even hearing his voice brings a ray of light and a comfort. I remember in the past bumping into him on quite a few occasions, in a few clubs and all I could see was him. Almost like a light shining on him, from nowhere.. Everything around me went quiet and I felt that it was just me and him in the room. All I could focus on was him and how beautiful, inviting, shiny and sparkly he looked and indeed, still does! I remember also, that I've had the strangest 'electrical' spark feelings at times. Once, he touched my palm and my God, did I get a weird jolt of what felt like 'electricity'. The same happened when I kissed him, in a hallway near a staircase. And again and again, these feelings repeat themselves!

Sometimes though, I've been a little confused I guess at times and thus, become changeable, because in the past, I felt that I was getting a lot of mixed messages from him. He even declared to me that he 'didn't love me' in an email, way back in July. This really upset me and cut me up but in my heart, I didn't believe these words. I then questioned these words and actions and thought maybe I was too delusional and indeed, yes, he didn't love me. Saying that, I'd spend the most beautiful times with him and I felt such a warmth and magical feeling when I was in his company that I've never felt before with anyone. A strange, warm, magical and sacred feeling. He's also said some of the most truly, special words, that will always be there in my heart and are so sacred to me.

So there we have it. Love eh?
I suppose I prove my love (although I'm not actually trying to prove it!) by being vocal, wanting to share times together, by writing poems, by visiting him whenever I can, by being kind, understanding and patient (well mostly, I can be impatient and changeable it's true but only when I feel let down or sad) by listening to him, by the sheer enjoyment I get from admiring him, touch, smell and all of the simple things that love actually feels like. Just being with him, is wonderful for me..simple.

You

I wrote this poem whilst I was fairly incoherent last night. Surrounded by lots of people having fun and yet, through my smiles and laughter, I was feeling rather empty...

To think of you -
Means everything
When surrounded by others.
The only one
I feel so true to
is You.
How can I move on?
When I love you
So true.
When all I want
Is
To be
With you
Forever
True.

Ahhh Jeff Buckley

Hmm after a hectic Saturday picking my son up from the airport and partying later on, I have a need to listen to Jeff Buckley. I adore this singer...what a voice...
My, his music really does move me in so many ways. I especially love the Grace album .This album is just so fabulous, however the tracks that tend to really move my emotions are

Last Goodbye
Lilac Wine
Hallelujah
Lover, you should've come over
Corpus Christi

Beautiful, poetical lyrics and haunting tunes, so touching in fact, that they actually bring a lump to my throat and a tear to my eye, each time I listen to them..

Why did he have to depart this life at such a tender age? It makes me want to cry every time I think about it, especially after seeing a fantastic documentary about him a while back, with a good friend, Louise. We both had tears rolling down our cheeks as we watched the old footage of him...
May his soul and beautiful music, be all around us for evermore

Pangs.........

I write this passage in a inebriated state of mind. I write this passage because i have to. No one has told me to do so but I feel a need. A need. A deep need.
I went to a wonderful house party tonight and I met a beautiful woman with cerebral palsy. She is a woman to really homour. She has guts, patience, anger, love and understanding. I'm so glad I met her. Sometimes in life, we forget how lucky we all are. How much we take our bodies and soul for granted. We all p[layed a really funny pop quiz game that made me howl with laughter, it was so corrrrrrrrny, but fun.
Anyway, I then went to a well dodgy club with a friend. I had a good time. Men liked me. they wanted to feel my hair. I wanted to tell them to fuck off. I only want the person I love to feel my hair. I missed him. I wanted to ring him. I wanted to be sat beside him. I wanted to laugh with him. I wanted to love him. I wanted to hold him. My blog is seriously heavy at times I know. I miss him. I wish we could share mad, stupid, times together. Stupid times, in stupid, ridiculous, crappy bars and clubs, that make you laugh but also remind you about who you are.
Luckily, my friend Julie, met a sweet person of a man, I do foresee. He had black hair. he likes The Cure. He loves' just Like HEAVEN'; - A Fantastic cure song. He loves The Forest. he seems a sensitive type. He seems like he likes Julie. I hope so, cos she really wants a loving companion.
I sat there alone tonight. I missed the person i love. i wanted to ring him but felt it was too late and that he'd be elsewhere and wouldn't want me contacting him. I just wanted to be with him and to lie beside him. I feel sad and alone tonight/today. We all are born alone and I guess die alone. I keep reminding myself about this phrase....

Grounding myself

I spoke to the person I love tonight and I realise that each time I talk to him, how easy and comforting it feels. There is such an ease with talking to him. I love talking to him, even though I sense at times, that he feels like he doesn't have alot to say. He's quite a solitary person really. Anyway, the conversation left me feeling happy that we'd spoken and although we won't see each other until next week, it was great to chat. I'm not a massive text fan in many ways, and never really have been, as I prefer to hear a person's voice in all honesty. I do know though that texting has its place and is cheap and very useful at times. For me though, a voice gives you the cues to how a person feels, it enables you to listen to them and maybe even comfort them in a way, that you can't do via a text message.
Anyway, I really do feel that the time is right for me to start up Yoga again. I know I need to ground myself again. I know this after a massage I had today. I also remember that when I first met the person I love, I was regularly doing Yoga and I used to show him some of the different 'Poses' of yoga, to which he often commented about. Especially when I sat on his old sofa, with my legs crossed! He used to be amazed that I could sit cross legged for so long!
So, hopefully on Monday, I'm going to try and make the effort to attend my old Yoga class and enjoy the peace, serenity and grounded feeling that Yoga always brings to me.

Fear

What is it with people and fear of intimacy? I'm sure too many people in the world suffer from this. Is it that they don't trust people and are scared to let themselves go? Is it because they have too many insecurities and therefore don't want to be seen as too 'vulnerable'? I think people misunderstand me, I really do.
I think because I'm an older women, with two failed relationships, they think there's something inherently wrong with me. Or, I can't be trusted - I'm a harlot or some such!! Well guys, I'm afraid the reality is a wee bit more boring. I can be trusted. I don't care about insecurities, these can be worked on. I'm a truly giving person. I never imagined my life to turn out the way it has but there you go, it has and I have to get on with it. I was a 'young, hopeful' woman and mother once, who put her all into the men she was with. Sadly, these men didn't seem to know the importance of companionship, intimacy, romance and nurturing. It pisses me off at times but I try not to think about the past and indeed these previous men in too much of a negative sense.They are my sons' Fathers after all.
I've luckily, never managed to suffer from fear of intimacy. Well at least I don't think I have...Maybe my problem is that I'm too open and too forward. Maybe I'm too giving and too expectant too? Who bloody knows!

Pull yaself together girl!

That's my motto for today! I'm such an idiot at times. I really am. I blame my emotional headstates on the full moon and the female menstrual cycle. Anyway, emotions aside. I've cheered up a little today. My friend Julie, came round to mine today and gave me a lovely back massage. Wow! I have one a month now and it really does loosen the tension and aches.
Beings as though I have nothing as such planned for the weekend, she's invited me to a friend of her's house party, tomorrow night, close by to where I live.
I was secretly hoping my friend (or do I keep on calling him my beloved? In fact he's all of these things to me and more) might suggest us getting together this weekend but he didn't, which maybe, left me also feeling a little upset...Instead, he suggested next week! Anyway, feelings aside, this should be quite a nice thing to do really.
Cheap, close by, friendly people and the chance to chat with my friend Julie more and meet some of her friends. So, I'm off to pick up my son from the airport early in the morning and then off to a house party later. Have a good weekend people.

Emotions?

Sometimes in life, I get so angry at myself. I get angry at myself for being such a 'thinking' person, for being too emotional. The problem is, I've always been this way, it's never changed. As a child I was like it and as an adult I'm like it. I just get so emotional about so many things.
I'm not gonna blame it on the classic 'it's a woman' thing because I know some women who seem really quite unemotional. Maybe it's to do with a certain 'craving' as a child that was never met? I don't know. I remember I used to run away from home and hide behind a tree, to see if my Mum and Dad were looking for me. They never did come looking for me. I guess because they thought I was 'playing a game or being silly'. Deep down though, all I wanted was that they came looking for me and show me a certain sort of attention, I guess. I guess in some ways as a child, I was actually quite lonely.
All I know is now, as an adult, that I wish I had the ability to be able to cut emotions off. I can't do this at all. I've tried over the years but it's just something that I'm unable to do, it doesn't sit right with me either, to cut off feelings and emotions. I'm a person who likes to get my feelings out but sometimes, I realise that I do it at the wrong times and that I should think a little before I act.
Maybe too, the one person who I confided in, namely my Mother, is being felt by me on another level, that I hadn't felt at first when she died. I used to talk to my Mum about the most deepest of my thoughts. My Mum was always really supportive and always gave me good, fair, non judgemental advice. I guess I miss that now. I confided greatly in my Mum about the problems of my old relationship and my Mum always believed that i should make the decisons that were right for me. She used to say

"You're still young Sara and therefore, you must act on what you think is right for you."

She knew that I was terribly unhappy with my then 'dead relationship' and that it wasn't right the way that my ex and I were living, indeed living totally seperate lives under the same roof. Yet she sympathised with the situation and knew it was a time thing. She also knew that I'd fallen in love with another person. I think in her own way, she was glad for me. Therefore, when I get emotional and indeed when my Mum used to get emotional, we'd share our thoughts and listen to each other. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think I miss these sharing of minds and emotions with my Mum, more than I imagine.

How the hell............

Can anyone enlighten me as to how the hell you deal with the fact that you love someone and want to share alot of times with them, but it seems that they want to limit the amount of times they spend with you? That really, all you want to do is see them and plan to do things with them when you have free time and yet it seems, they only want to see you on their terms...When I see the person I love I feel happy and content in his company. When I'm apart from him, I miss him so. Am I ridiculous or what?

Observations

I've re-read many of my posts today from the past year. It's amazing how things have changed in my life but how some things, have also stayed the same, such as my feelings for a loved one. I've also been re-reading a book by Jeanette Winterson called 'Written on the Body'.This book is wonderful. The way the author describes her love for the 'Louise,' the character with whom she falls deeply in love with, is exhilerating and so passionate. The way she describes all of those small things about someone she loves and the small yet so intricate observations, that others would probably never notice. By reading this book, I've been taken back to a particular night, not so long ago, when my beloved was playing guitar.
That night, I couldn't help but watch how delicately his fingers moved along the neck of the guitar and gently pushed the strings to where he so desired, to make the sounds he wanted to make. I couldn't take my eyes off watching his hands and his delicate fingers. I felt a rush of 'emotion and yearning' just by watching him do this. It's strange really, how the most simple of things, can have a deeply moving effect on our heart. How we notice the small things in a person, with whom we have deep feelings for.
I also remember not so long ago, when he came to my house for the first time and how his eyes 'drunk in' my home and how it looked, what it possessed. One observation that touched me greatly was when he said to me that my home was ..
' So You'
He seemed in awe of my abode. It was wonderful to see and indeed hear, that sort of compliment and indeed, cherish his delight about my home.
So, these little observations are so meaningful in the bigger picture of life and have their own special meaning to me...as too, does the beautiful, delicious observations contained in the book 'Written on the Body'..Wow!
God, I really hope I will see him again soon. I'm also trying to be calm about everything and maintaining a sense of 'ease' about things. Each time I do see him, I look so forward to it and still get such a sense of excitement - even nearly two years on, of making his aquaintance. How magical is that?

Xmas Detox? No thanks!

I've noticed the amount of detox ads around at the moment and indeed always, after Xmas. I actually find it all pretty tiresome to be honest and pretty much aiming, to make us all feel some inherent 'guilt', for all of the crap that has passed through our mouths, during the festive season. Furthermore, if you're prone to eating disorders, then this form of advertising is downright terrible in my opinion. I'll humbly admit that I've experienced a brief spell of an eating disorder and one that luckily, I managed to get myself out of, through the realisation that I was becoming more and more obssessed with my body image and my weight.
This disorder started when I was 15 years old and because I always felt 'fat'; I had been called 'fat', but in no way was I 'fat', when I think back to this time. Indeed I was a slim 8 stone teenager.
However, not convinced that I was slim enough, I stopped eating properly, chucked my lunch away at school and ate a bar of chocolate at lunch time and a bowl of soup at night. This ritual went on and off, for a good few years, albeit with Sunday dinners chucked in to satisfy my Mum's wishes. I also became completely obssessed with exercise. I'd exercise every day without fail until I felt tired out. Luckily, I never went down the binge eating and bulimic route, as quite a few of my friends have done. If anything, I'd have probably gone down the anorexic route, if I'd have continued the same eating patterns. I managed to get my weight down to 7 stone and then felt that I could achieve dropping to 6 stone. I can totally understand how people become so obssessed about weight and indeed aspire to keep lowering their body weight; it's an addiction and one that grips you badly, if you let it and indeed let it control you in this way.I'd also say, there are often issues of control where eating disorders are involved. By this I mean, if your life feels in some way out of control, you try and control it by another means such as, food intake.
Today thankfully, I have a completely healthy attitude to food. I eat what I want, when I want. I don't guilt trip myself about my size or my body. I actually love my body, OK there are a few little things that could be changed if I was really critical but then again, my children are a reminder of the scarring I do have and so no, I wouldn't change that. All of my body works properly and I'm lucky to have a body that works for me.
I don't care about what size a people are. I actually love skin and and the feel of skin, especially when it feels so soft and inviting. I love to cuddle up to the person I love because he feels so soft and wonderfully warm to hold. His skin is scrumptious!
So, I'll be doing no detox or no food plans. I intend to increase my water intake due to the amount of alcohol I've necked back but I'll continue to eat as I would ordnarily do.
Sod you, Detox marketing - I don't need you and neither does the world!!

Oh Dear - Work Looms

Gosh, I can't believe that I've had 2 weeks free from work. I wish I had another 2 weeks off! I really don't have the urge to go back to work tomorrow instead, I'd rather just chill in the warmth of my house, enjoy pottering around, doing whatever I feel like doing and taking time in its stride. Maybe I'm really ready for a 'work' change. I keep on going back to the idea of doing a PHD but never get my shit together to apply. Maybe I need to be better disciplined this year and go for it in true 'Sara Style'..Hmm I'm thinking carefully about this one because I do feel like research is definitely the way forward for me, with my analytical and critical mind.

Anyway, I guess work means money and therefore I have to be thankful I have a job..I only have 2 days at work anyway this week and then I'm free again. Saturday morning I'm picking my son up from the airport, as he arrives back in the UK after his 2 week stay in Denmark. His visit sounds great! Although I must say, I've sneakily enjoyed no 'teenage confrontations' over the Xmas period.

Last night I chilled out and watched an episode of Six Feet Under, namely 'Black Forest'. A truly brilliant episode, where Nate and Brenda become more comfortable with each other and Ruth lays down the law with her new husband. So deeply touching is Six Feet Under, that it never fails to please me.

Delight

What a delight!
We met on that night.
Pure heaven sent
Fatefully meant.
Magnetic charged desire
Continually, setting me on fire.
Insightful, wonderful mind
Deep down, a beauty so kind.
Sent to each other; a blessing.
Sweet times together, so refreshing.

Delight

What a delight!
We met on that night.
Pure heaven sent
Fatefully meant.
Magnetic charged desire
Continually, setting me on fire.
Insightful, wonderful mind
Deep down, a beauty so kind.
Sent to each other; a blessing.
Sweet times together, so refreshing.

New Year contentment

New Year's Eve? What a great night. I was surrounded by many of the people, with whom I hold so dear. Even more special was to be with the person I love, later on. I spent such a beautiful, warm time with him. In fact what a beautiful start to New Year 2007, to be in the presence of the person, who's forever in your heart, soul and mind. I'll never forget how special these moments in time are...

Happy New Year everyone!

It would've also been my Mother's birthday today and although she's not with us anymore, on this plane of life, maybe she sent her blessings out into the universe, (in true Six Feet Under style) to ensure that I was cherished and felt warmth on this special day.

Happy Birthday Mum!

I miss you so, I miss your down to earthness, I miss your love, patience and understanding