Seeking Direction..

Over the last year or so, I've been pondering my job and the possibility of doing something different..Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do but I feel like we are more and more confined by funding elements and learner achievement more and more hence, I take you to my point of this post.
Last night I went to a friend's 30th birthday celebrations, who I used to work alongside in a hostel but who was employed by a different organisation. I got chatting to an colleague with whom I also worked alongside many years back and who now is responsible for development and taking their organisation forward. I was discussing my dilemma about teaching issues and the need to teach one thing at a time rather than facilitate a range of different subjects, which makes me feel like I'm a trainer rather than a 'teacher'.
Anyway, my old colleague who I know has a lot of respect for me and my work, suggested that I contact someone and put certain feelers out with regards the possibility of a job that needs creating within the organisation. Tempted? I am and I hope I do make contact with this person..My friend whose 30th it was, also suggested I go and do some sessional teaching with her for a couple of hours and maybe with time, pick up further work along the way..She said she'd love to have me on board and work would be there.
However, this is all well and good but when a job has a certain sense of security with it, sometimes it's hard to take the jump and break away somewhat..
I don't know, maybe I'm just at a turning point with regards this and things will unfold as they should do but the dilemma is there and the direction a little confused..
Maybe a visit to the countryside might be the solution. I feel the need to get out into wide open space and beings as though I haven't been to the countryside for a while, maybe it's time..I could take myself off on a ramble in The Peaks, get all cold and windswept and then warm up in a country pub near the fire. I could enjoy the last remnants of autumnal colours and leaf fall..leaf fall is so beautiful to watch and this year, England's autumn colours seem so much more vibrant than last year..So yes, I think a visit to the countryside is well and truly due..

My oldest son is possibly going to be moving to Denmark after Xmas. We've recently had many rows and the like which I guess is pretty normal for teens and parents and now I feel it may be time to have some time with his Dad. He's been mentioning moving over there for a while and although lots of angry words and home truths have been spoken with his Father, things have cooled as I knew they would and a solution and compromise has been made. Indeed, it may well be that my son moves out there after Xmas and stays with family and indeed, will have a job to walk into almost immediately. It's been proving really hard for him to find work here and this hanging around doing nothing is tiring and unhealthy for him and indeed, me. So we'll see, time as always, is the teller with such things..

Dawn of a new sunrise?

Obama for President? How touched and hopeful was I when I heard that news this morning? I listened to his speech and it really made me more emotional than I thought! For one thing, he's the first ever black president of the USA and two, I liked what he had to say about the US uniting and people coming together..I truly hope he changes things for the people fo America not only for those who struggle but also for those who want equality and freedom and indeed, the hope of an end to the attrocities that continue to happen in the Middle east. Maybe there could be fresh dialogue about Israel and Palestine question..One thing's for sure, it's gonna be a hard and tough job along a long road!

Nearly 3 years ago, was the death of my Mother..a few more weeks and there we have it. I know death affects us a lot more than we care to admit. Death of a very close loved one, especially a mother, changes you in many respects, there is always a certain emptiness that never existed before and a different sort of low that I don't think you really experience on this level. It's hard to describe but it's there and I know how I feel..The cliche time makes things better is true but the hole that exists is paramount..I guess too for me, many things changed in the time close to and after my Mum's death and I don't think I've dealth with them all. Maybe it's time to deal with these issues as I last mentioned to my counsellor..we'll see. So in many respects I'll be counting the days down and sometimes I just wish my Mum would appear to give me some guidance about things but I know this is silly thinking and I guess it just shows how close we were as people for sharing thoughts and feelings..Indeed, when you've talked to yourt Mum most nights for the good part of your life albeit with a few gaps inbetween, this is hard to comprehend and thus, loneliness can take over at times.

Hmm. I'm hoping to attend a Yoga session tomorrow night all being well and assuming my son will babysit! I look forward to some grounding and realise how much I need this, I really do!

Roads

Been listening to Portishead today, in between cleaning up my poorly son's smelly puke, bless him.
Roads? An awesome track, tune and lyrics..by Portishead and what do the lyrics mean, I ask you?

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Storm,
In the morning light,
I feel,
No more can I say,
Frozen to myself.

I got nobody on my side,
And surely that ain't right,
Surely that ain't right.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

How can it feel this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

I guess we all take our own meanings from lyrics and poems and this indeed, is the beauty of written pieces.
We all come to certain roads in our life and of course, at times, wonder which way to turn, where to go and where we'll end up. Or, maybe, just maybe some of us are able to just keep going down the same road without questioning anything or indeed, challenging the things that really bother us, be it Love, Jobs, Family,LIfe, systems etc.
Me? I've never seemed to have been able to go in one straight line..I guess the road then, has always been a slippery and winding one but I truly feel that I want my road to become straighter and straighter now to be perfectly honest. And, I hope it will be, I truly hope it will! But then maybe, just maybe these winding roads are put there to take us and indeed, test us towards our final destinations in life..Deep? Yeah maybe so but then I'm a deep and intense person at times, this is me and will ever be as such!
So roads to take and turn into come with time and much contemplation ...

Buddhism and Wisdom

OK, so after a lovely night with my family and celebrating my Dad's 70th birthday, it reminded me about how important and permanent family is and indeed, the reliability of family. I also enjoyed being around friends later and met some new people who seemed sweet and into the outdoor party scene, which is all good cos I still like the outdoor vibe and indeed, hope to attend a outdoor party this weekend depending on lift and freinds going along etc etc.
Today, I've been in reflective, sort of sad and soul searching mode. I remember attending the buddhist Centre not long ago and asking an opinion about something regarding love and destruction. I remember the old man who responded to my question said sometimes in life, we have to practise something known as wisdom and indeed, Buddhist wisdom. In other words he was saying that no matter how kind and good we are to others, sometimes it's necessary to be wise and take the path of wisdom, especially when something may be causing upset..

Here's a brief explanation about basic wisdom and indeed, not solely confined to matters of the heart or head but just basic principles.

The highest wisdom is seeing that in reality all phenomena are incomplete, impermanent, and not self. This understanding is totally freeing and leads to the great security and happiness which is called Nirvana. However, the Buddha doesn't speak too much about this level of wisdom. It is not wisdom if we simply believe what we are told. True wisdom is to directly see and understand for ourselves. At this level then, wisdom is to keep an open mind rather than being closed-minded, listening to other points of view rather than being bigoted; to carefully examine facts that contradict our beliefs, rather than burying our heads in the sand; to be objective rather than prejudiced and partisan; to take time about forming our opinions and beliefs rather than just accepting the first or most emotional thing that is offered to us; and to always be ready to change our beliefs when facts that contradict them are presented to us. A person who does this is certainly wise and is certain to eventually arrive at true understanding. The path of just believing what you are told is easy.
The Buddhist path requires courage, patience, flexibility and intelligence.

I think a visit to the buddhist centre again is calling me..maybe this Friday I'll head to the wonderful lunch time meditation again.

Let party time commence....fuelled by numbskullinglycrap anger!

So, a busy day ahead after being depressed about Royal Bank of Scotland and their plans to give some staff bonuses whilst the Govt are bailing them out with tax payers' money! A joke? Fuck me this is A FUCKIN JOKE NOT! I'm feeling angrily insane as I write this and I tell you, it ain't half infuriated my overactive brain today! The Govt? Are we such numbskulls that we are OK about this news?????

Me and my lovely extrovert son Jake, are heading shopping to buy
.Pair of new school shoes. desperateness
.Dad birthday pressie
.Birthday card

and..maybe stop for a creamy hot choc some where for Jake to enjoy. I'm looking forward to seeeing my lovely albeit at times dysfunctional family and indeed, celebrating with my Dad, his 70th year on mothership Earth!

Spoken to my mate Julie and all action stations for her party later on aswell...so I guess, I'll head to her do about 11ish and spend time for her birthday and then possibly ehad to a club for dancing! Always does me the world of good to dance. Maybe I need to join a dance troupe or summat? I dunno, dancing is just something that's always given me good feelings and vibes despite what ever crapness may be looming around..

So a happy 1st day of November! Bring it onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!

Alone Beats

Alone- ness
Is the only way forward?
Towards self preservation..
Soul ressurection.
Togetherness?
People..
Do strive for -
Long and yearn for..
Anxiously waiting their turn for
But
Do they get out alive?
Does the storm carry them to calm waters?
Or turbulent forces?
Throughout THEIR life course/s?
Attachment love..
The recipe of happiness?
But
Does the heat build up?
Boil over, burn, explode!!
Dry out the stream of kindness?
Condemn the eyes to blindness -
Shrink the full heart..
To nothingness.
A beat that no longer pulsates
To connections
But
Pounds to an atomic necessity.

Happy Samhain and Happy Birthday to my Dad

So, the Samhain will be with us tomorrow. Normally I make a pumpkin soup, fresh herb and garlic bread and chocolate cakes. This year though, I feel that my kids don't really appreciate and enjoy the soup as much as adults so hot dogs and gateau will be the eve meal for tomorrow night and I know they'll wolf this down. I also will cut out a pumpkin and light this outside for Jake to enjoy. I asked my son if he wanted to go trick and treating but he said not..so, a quiet time at home chilling and whatever takes the fancy.

It's also my Dad's 70th birthday this weekend. My family are all going out for a meal with him to celebrate this occasion. I hope I look as good as my dad does when I reach 70! He still looks very young to me and I guess regular walks and being an outdoor man has enabled him to be so fortunate with keeping a youthful glow. I've also got my mate's birthday party to attend afterwards which will be good to catch up with her for her birthday too.

Distance? I feel that A's still not over his ex and thus, this is difficult for me. I still find the hol business difficult and I know he is in contact still which is fair enough but sometimes I feel like I'm just a stop gap in the grand scheme of things. I don't want to meet men who are still pining for their ex's and who keep me at arm's length...it's not a nice feeling and one that leaves me feeling dry and empty and this I don't want to feel anymore...it's like being second best and this isn't good. I really feel that time is precious and there's a wide world out there for me to explore. I'd like to share this with a person who loves me, or who falls in love with me but it seems that since the split with my son's father,I meet people who never want this. Hmm difficult dilemmas for sure.
Maybe the universe shows us these experiences to prepare us for what is ahead, maybe the path is always mapped out and we eventually fall on the right path that was always meant to be..

I've also been informed there's an outdoor Smokescreen party next weekend - I really hope to attend. Haven't been to one for ages but would be cool to enjoy the Smokescreen vibe again as I haven't been to one of their nights for a long time..

Heavy Beats and Good friends

Been listening to some awesome tunes from dubstep.fm - a US internet radio site playing loads of Dubstep..really liking it for sure! May go and meet a good friend this week for a drink as they're on the case about meeting up..be cool to catch up soon for a drink and chat.

Some friends I guess stay for length and others pass through. I'm much more of a long term friend and don't really do 'short term'. I guess to me, friends are precious and thus, we should value those true friends dearly. I've still got friends from when I was 12 years old and I have a group of core friends from '94 onwards when I returned to study. Also more recently, I've met two new dear friends whom I feel will be long termers, Mel and Bridget.

Even when I don't see friends or those who I hold dear, they still live in my heart and mind and I still think about them..I don't like to lose friendships but some people choose to walk other paths and this one can't change, sad as it may be..Hmm.

Have an invite to a mate's birthday party this weekend, sounds good - a large soundsystem, DJs and on until the early hours...looking good and sounding sweet! Time will tell...

Raging Cyberworld and memories of Sunday A.M

What a past few days in Sara World. My home PC has managed to get a narsty XP 2009spyware virus which has meant a visit to a PC repair shop to sorth the bugger out meanwhile I use a laptop from work for my cyber activity! Annoying but I guess, has to be sorted although sometimes I feel how different life would be without a PC.HMM.

I vaguely remember a really loud banging about 5.30am Sunday morning and I remember looking out of my window thinking that someone might've been banging on my door - alas, no sighting and no one to be seen at the back door! Maybe it was my neighbour's house but I remember the banging woke me up and it seemed to be closeby.Hmmph..I wonder?BUT who would turn up at 5.30am without calling me first? Strange but Ill put it down to neighbours or some such!

I've been contacted by TAO Nottingham to do some volunteering in their teabar, so a wonder down there later this week to find out what the score is and what hours I can spare..should be cool and good to do something constructive on this DiY level...will fill you with the detail when I know more.

So, apart from nearly smashing my PC up, getting strangely woken up and future volunteering..life's a going in its direction and yes, I can be sooo ragey when things go amok. Scary!!

Spontaneity and Light

Planning things is always good and I guess, when you're in my situation ie. dependents to care for and plan around, it always seems to be an element of my life and what I have to do. However, sometimes it's great to have a bit of spontaneity in life as happened to me on Friday!
Was supposed to meet A but he was running late so ended up heading towards the library and lo and behold, bumped into the man of the couple I met last week. We ended up going for a couple of beers and had a nice chat about things, exchanged numbers and said our farewells.
I met A and we were going to pub crawl back to his; short of dosh, a cheap night was needed. However, we ended up bumping into his cousin and girlfriend, drank cheap bottles of wine in a pub, went to another pub, left the pub and said goodbyes to A's cousin, headed to lovely shaw's pub in Nottingham - a great chilled place with live music..by this time though, we must've looked worse for wear and then ended up taxi'ing back to A's..
Yesterday was spent chilling and being generally lazy until I headed back home to get ready for a friend's curry night out and birthday celebration. Was in the sack by 12am today and sleep did I need!

So, spontaneous happenings are all well and good and love these moments for sure. This week, is half term so I plan to do a few nice things with my son; Maybe take a trip to Matlock, a playden, swimming and cinema..we'll see how the week pans out and take it from there.

Still got a weird pain in my arm, still don't know what the hells' going on but will rest this week a little..the pain seems to have radiated across the back area to the front of my arm and lower front neck - bloody weird and I am really quite tempted to maybe get another opinion about this cos it doesn't feel right to me at all, that's for sure and at the end of the day, we all know what and how our body should feel eh? Hmph.

What the F**k?

So here I am, sat at home waiting to go to a Dr Appointment this afternoon, after having a weird sensation at work today. I stood up, got the most immense upper back pain, felt breathless and could hardly walk to the train station..started to panic, boarded the train and I now I await my Dr appointment for later today. Rang my sister as she's had blood clots in the past and on my mother's side of the family, thrombosis was prevalent, hence my sister and I being unable to take certain hormones..
F**k knows what is causing this weirdness but I'm guessing it links into the pain in my arm over the last few days??

Wish me luck people, wish me best of British!

Surprise!

So I have an invite out for a friends drink, with an old friend Jim who I haven't seen in ages. I used to work with him back in the day when I worked in a direct hostel for homeless people. I've bumped into Jim randomnly along the way and often say we'll meet for a drink and catch up but never seem to find the time to! So maybe soon it will be good to catch up with him and see what's been going on in his life, relationship, things etc and be sweet to hear how fellow colleagues are doing.

A? I don't know what is to be...I have many good times with him but the contact his dwindled and this to me means a person is backing off and trying to let one down gently.. I'd much prefer that people just tell me the score cos that's what I'm about but people are so complex and I guess the best is to let them get on with their own stuff..I've a feeling too, that things may not be as sacred as one imagines and thus self preservation is the key..There is no way that the idea of women and 'standard' behaviour is what I'm about - won't go into detail but this is hugely egocentric, selfish and childish.

So we'll see what the week brings and how things pan out I guess..I don't want to start waking up feeling depressed about stuff hence my need to keep seeing friends and keeping busy with things that interest me otherwise I know I'll slump into dark times about A.
Happy Days people!

Wonderful stuff

Came across this site whilst searching the web for something entirely different and I love this article. Read on if you're on the radical left side of things!

Skank is slang and a pejorative term used in English to describe a certain type of female.

The term "skank" differs from that of "slut" in that whereas the latter implies only sexual promiscuity; the former also implies poor taste, personally degrading behaviour and low socioeconomic class.

Also used as slang for a lower class female that is dirty or not presenting herself well.

Other skank behaviors can include being obsessed with celebrity lifestyle and emulating it.

Originally denoting a bad smell or a filthy surface, "skank" has come to refer to someone who is physically repugnant for their filth, and figuratively applied to someone who is morally or socially repugnant for their behavior and demeanor, most often sexual conduct.
He's a Stud, She's a Slut: The Sexual Double Standard
"Slut" is applied to women engaged in any activity besides knitting, praying, or sitting perfectly still lest any sudden movements be deemed whorish.

If you have a vagina, chances are someone has called you a slut at least once in your life. There's just no getting around it.

I remember the first time I heard the word "slut" -- I was in my fifth-grade science class.

A certain little girl (terror) named Eleena had been making my life miserable all year in a way that only mean little girls can. She had turned all my girlfriends against me, spread rumors and the like. She walked up to me at my desk and said, "You called me a slut."

I had absolutely no idea what the word meant. I just sat there, silently. She repeated herself: "You called me a slut, but you're the slut."

I don't remember how long after that I found out exactly what "slut" meant, but I knew it had to be terrible and I knew I didn't want to be it.

Naturally, I'd be called a slut many times over later in life -- not unlike most girls. I was called a slut when my boobs grew faster than others'.

I was called a slut when I had a boyfriend (even though we weren't having sex.) I was called a slut when I didn't have a boyfriend and kissed a random boy at a party.

I was called a slut when I had the nerve to talk about sex. I was called a slut when I wore a bikini on a weekend trip with high school friends.

It seems the word slut can be applied to any activity that doesn't include knitting, praying, or sitting perfectly still lest any sudden movements be deemed whorish.

Despite the ubiquity of "slut," where you won't hear it is in relation to men. Men can't be sluts. Sure, someone will occasionally call a guy "a dog," but men simply aren't judged like women are when it comes to sexuality.

(And if they are, they're judged in a positive way!)

Men who have a lot of sexual partners are studs, Casanovas, pimps, and players. Never sluts.

In fact, when I just did a Google search for "male sluts," the first result I got was She Male Sluts DVD! I know, should have seen that coming. The point is, there isn't even a word -- let alone a concept -- to signify a male slut.

But it makes sense when you think about what the purpose of the word "slut" is: controlling women through shame and humiliation.

Women's bodies are always the ones that are being vied over for control -- whether it's rape, reproductive rights, or violence against women, it's our bodies that are the battleground, not men's.

And if you don't think it's about control, consider this little bit of weirdness. The most recent incarnation of the sexual double standard being played out in a seriously creepy way is through Purity Balls.

These prom-like events basically have fathers take their daughters to a big fancy dance where they promise their daddy their virginity.

Likewise, the father promises to be the "keeper" of his daughter's virginity until he decides to give it to her future husband. Where are the Purity Balls for men, you ask?

Oh, they're there, but they're about controlling women too! Called Integrity Balls, these events focus on men not having sex because they'd be defiling someone else's "future wife"!

Not because men need to be pure or be virgins -- but because they need to make sure women are virgins. Unbelievable, really.

Outside of the feminist implications of the sexual double standard, the slut/stud conundrum has always been my favorite because it just makes no sense logically.

Why is a woman less of a person, or (my favorite) "dirty," because she has sex? (Heterosexual sex, that is; somehow lesbian sex isn't "real.")

Does a penis have some bizarre dirtymaking power that I'm unaware of? Every time I have sex, do I lose a bit of my moral compass? "Sorry to mug you, Grandma, but I had sex twice this week!"

And let's face it -- the slut stigma isn't just dangerous to our "reputations" or to some weird-ass notion of purity. How many times has rape been discounted because a woman was deemed a slut?

How many times are women called whores while their partners beat them? How often are women's sexual histories used against them in workplace harassment cases? The sexual double standard is a lot more dangerous than we'd like to think.

So ... What to Do?

First and foremost, stop calling other women sluts! It doesn't behoove us to bash each other, gals. And speak out when you hear men do the same.

I'll never forget in college overhearing a conversation that my boyfriend's roommates were having. They both had slept with the same girl over the course of the year -- they called her a whore and made a joke about her vagina being "loose."

I asked them why she was the bad person in this scenario -- after all, they had had casual sex with her, too. They couldn't provide an answer, but that didn't stop them from continuing to laugh.

I always regretted not saying anything more. Outside of calling ourselves and others out on perpetuating the double standard, it's a hard battle.

But I think if we recognize the hypocrisy of the slut/stud nonsense when we see it -- whether it's an anti-choice law or a movie that makes women who have sex look like deviants -- we're on the right road.

Excerpted from He's a Stud, She's a Slut by Jessica Valenti.

Woman Forlorn..

Everything
About her
Is cheap...?
Wrong.
The nightdress -
Polyester cheapness
Nastiness -
The nails and feet
Not up to scratch -
To the desire.
Nasty feet - incomplete.
The weight of her body -
Too bulky -
Could do with losing a stone
Or two -
It's all to help her.. you see,
Put her out of her misery?
Of looking fat -
To protect her health..
BUT
She's happy with herself -
Alive, passionate, free,
Lives life a plenty.
Her smell?
Not to the taste,
Oil, she's always worn -
And loves..
And yet now -
For some reason,
She feels forlorn..
Her smell not adored.
Sexy, punky top,
Blue back shocker,
Tarty and 'not to be worn' -
Only to come out on certain occasion -
The wrong outfit in chosen situations.
So what is it.. that is good or indeed pleasing?
Anything?
Give her an inkling?
Ah yes,

She's kind,
Good heart,
Caring,
Best at giving love..
Never enough..

Time for serious grounding and groundwork

Realisation always dawns at some point and maybe this is because we're getting close to Samhain - the celtic New Year at the end of October; dying out of the old and welcoming the new, remembering all of those souls who have passed before us and indeed, celebrating their passings but also a dying out of nature and a closing down for winter months ahead.

I've been very reflective over the past few days and realise that Yoga is a MUST for me to keep me grounded and expect the best of me and my spiritual side of life. This has lapsed a little more recently due to responsibilities at home, kids, etc. I plan to restart Yoga next week when my teacher is teaching in my hometown again...for sure Yoga is a way of life and living. A way of seeing life for what it really is about and also understanding things on a higher cosmic level. Also, I need to keep myself grounded to keep in tune what's going on around me and in my close relationships, otherwise I feel that things start to go a little amok, which is less than healthy for me at times because I become too emotional and weirded out! I also physically think this will help me too - align the body and the organs! The last few days have been a little odd with my body - my left arm has been aching like no other, along the back of my neck and right down my left arm! God knows what's causing this but it seems to be getting worse at the days have been going on..Hmm maybe a Dr check up if things don't improve but if anyone is a Dr here and can tell me what pain in arm.numbness means, then all well and good! Deep heat has been getting a hammering that's for sure!

I paid a visit today to a wonderful art resource/community facility called TAO Nottingham. Such a wonderful place is this - lovely and cheap tea bar, friendly people, great communioty based exhibitions and a grand feeling of DIY and grass roots happenings in the city - this I love. So much so, I've added my name to their mailing in the hope of maybe getting a few hours a week voluntary work, maybe in the tea bar or the recycling facility when it opens..we'll see. For me, this sort of things excites and ignites my mind and this is why I'm always seeking new things to be interested in, I have an active mind that likes to be fed and feel a sense of doing something worthwhile, otherwise my mind and soul close off and dry up and this I don't want!

Anyway, here's a poem I've been thinking about and it makes me think about people and lies..it's by Benjamin Zephaniah, a man I have a HUGE respekt for.

Stand forward Mr Zephaniah...

Adultery

We all say we luv honesty
But den wot of de lies we do
Your love may lie and yet be true,
How honest can you be?

Live wid your joyful misery
An madness dat you can't proclaim
How often can you change your name?
How honest can you be?

Fake common norms an decency
Designed to give you sleepless nights
Torture your soul an dim your lights
How honest can you be?

You cannot do conformity
You want to luv more equally
But wot of your community
How honest can you be?

Hoorah for Baby Billy!

So a long while since I've wrote anything on here - well a week nearly which in time terms ain't that long I guess? Been pretty busy with work, home and a naming celebration to attend of my friend Julie's baby boy Billy, who is now 7 weeks old! The celebration was held in a sweet community cafe called The Crocus Cafe in Lenton..lovely food was shared and wine flowed. Was a lovely celebration of baby Billy, really sweet and 7 weeks old as we speak!
However, it did make me very contemplative and in some ways sad about how things turned out in my life..by this I mean, it made me reflect and remember when my own children were babies and the joyous feelings one has and how things change over time when relationships break down and children have to endure this..When I rewind the clock on this level, there is definitely a feel of loss and sadness when I search deep inside of me but life must go on as positively as possible.

The evening was good anyway not only because I was around lovely people and such like and was great to see and give Billy a present but because I also met a new couple who wanted and indeed, persuaded me to go clubbing - even though the plan was to come home early! We were going to head to Smokescreen, as the woman of the couple is a big Smokescreen fan but the man of the couple was a Highness fan, so in the end, flipped a coin and Highness it was!
Excellent to listen and dance to some heavy tunes and the vibe was a good one for sure! Always the sort of experience I want when I go dancing and I do hope I see these people again because ot was good to make new aquaintances..

Seasonal Changes

Years of spring,
Buds and blossom,
Bright and beautiful -
The young form,
Ripe and sweet,
Untorn..
Love to be sworn,
Innocent and fresh,
Pure of the flesh..
Years of summer,
Heat and fire,
Gold and alive,
The passionate urge -
Exploring a yearn
Vibrant,
Loved and reborn,
Knowledge and quest,
Give of the best..
Years of autumn,
Tinged and windswept,
Worn around the edges,
Freyed, yet wisdom pledges,
Wise,
Loved. left. alone.
Curling inwards -
Decaying cells,
Stilling..
Years of winter,
Remain to be seen,
Will they gleam?

Monday Blues?

Monday and to wash away the blues I take joy in the beautiful weather today..October? And the weather feels surprisingly warm considering that we're hitting Halloween or Samhain as the Celts would call it...My journey to work was nice, looking out of the window at nature and the sunshine beating down on lovely golden autumn tinged leaves.

Tonight, I watched an interesting piece of TV about the Oxford Dictionary and apparently, words have been collected and meanings recorded since 1170! At least I think this was the right date anyway but interesting nonetheless! Words eh? And their origins always interest me in many ways - trouble is, when you don't write a lot, you seem to lessen your word vocab and thus, I guess taking a dictionary to bed could prove educating!

I've been listening to a load of Donna Summer recently, was a big fan of her as a child and thus, I've ordered a CD of her early stuff cos I just love Macartha Park, I feel Love, Hot Love and State of Independence..awesome tracks and she's one awesome singer for sure...

Tomorrow night I'm attending a poetry and comedy event wit a couple of friends. Will be nice to be in good company again and I enjoy these sort of nights..tend to always attract old skool peeps who are about the same sorta thing that I'm about which tends to mean - left to anarchic thinking, caring and collective type of people with a conscience which is always a good thing..So here's to a good day and eve tomorrow!

What Do I want?

So, a shitstorm of crapness today because of me maybe being a woman and a needy one at that and becoming weirded out when I don't hear from aperson whom I almost hear from every day - I guess this is how people back off...maybe I'm just being too impatient, too misunderstanding, jumping to stupid conclusions or maybe my heart is trying to tell me something?

Maybe hormones are part to play but maybe, I'm just no good at not having contact with people..So what do I want and indeed, what do I need to feel secure and able to function? And I know in a good relationship, these sort of things aren't an issue because communication and openess are key to a good and healthy relationship with another person..
Also, when you've been let down quite a lot then insecurity starts to take a hold and this behaviour reminds me of teen years when boys tried to play with your heart and let you down - this is so childish behaviour and has occurred quite a bit when I think about it and not something that I'm about...for me, if a person is in my heart then they're the focus and indeed, the priority.

1. To feel like I'm not a pain or invisible.
2. To feel loved and respected.
3. To not have my trust tested. This has become a big issue with me more recently due to someone I care about going away with their ex. I still feel hurt by this and I can't seem to move away from that hurt and thus, trust has become an issue that prior to this event, was never an issue.
4. To be able to open my heart and be my full on self.
5. To be able to express myself with honesty and sncerity.
6. To feel special.
7. To feel free of emotional turmoil and by this, knowing that all is OK and there's nothing to worry about..

God, do I sound fucked up or what? I think they key is to knuckle down because mistrust and suspicious feelings are a really bad thing and I don't like the felings that these bring..maybe they're founded, maybe they're not..Maybe they are though when I think about manyb things that have happened through the course of a year - quite a few sus things that have def tested my security..

So, I think the time has come to depart from love blog thoughts and concentrate my thoughts away from love energies and into something that focusses my mind on more simpler and interese based issues cos when I think about it, 3+ years of love blogging and reality takes its toll on the weaker hearted...

Heart Storm

Up and down
Round and round,
Can't do this emotion
Without feeling it fully.
What's the point?
Of feeling deep within your heart?
And feeling like your nothing -
In the grand scheme of their world?
Pointless emotion
And wasted energy -
When love should be a synergy
Of two hearts
Higher than life itself..
And where understanding
Acceptance,
Keep the fire alive and don't
Drown out the energy...
Yes..
And where mutual support
Are the order of the day,
Not fighting and sabotaging
The love, that should be a blessing..
For love is something you..
Fight for
Strive for
Have faith in
Hope for
Live for
Trust in..
And when these aren't there then love
Is a fallacy?


Knuckle down
Find enjoyment in simple things
Give love a wide birth? Never thought I'd say that!
Even though it beats hard -
To the pulsating of emotion..
Let it go, flow,
To nowhere

48 hours and sinking in...

Today I've been reflecting over the last time I saw A and thinking alot about something that A said the other night - as always, delayed reaction is how it is with me - I have to have at least 24 hours to let things sink in! I don't know quite how to take it and we were both a tad drunk at the time of him saying it but I remember the gist of it and it's made me think a few things... I wanted to further talk about these things the following day and have been unable to which for me, is a real pisser because I have to get to the bottom of it!

I guess this is all to do with trust aswell, especially because for me, due to him going away with an ex, has left me feeling rather vulnerable regarding this issue. Furthermore, I have quite a few male associates who I know through work and going out that I sense A possibly feels threatened by..I may be wrong here but I sense this may be an issue..

I've tried to contact A today but no response which then sends my mind into overdrive and makes me wonder what's going on..

Relations/friendships? I want an easy life of it now, with no confusions, straight forward talking, no power struggles, no control issues, trust to be granted and built on and a smooth time to be had of it..I wonder whether this will be a realisation? Who Knows?
Hmm.

A week with the Arts...

A wonderful week thus far for me. Monday, Linton Kwesi Johnson performed in Jongleurs Nottingham at the Blackdrop Poetry event. A and I went along to this and I treated A to this event for his birthday..We both really enjoyed it and LKJ was as inspiring and political as ever with a tinge of love thoughts thrown in. It was very sweet to go to this with A and share such a wonderful event with him.
I managed to grab a few words at the end of the event with LKJ and thanked him for all of his wonderful work over the years and told him that he'd massively inspired my beliefs from the 80s onwards - what a sweet smile he returned to me when I told him this!

Last night was a drama event, Zero, at The Lakeside Theatre Nottingham. The play covered aspects of torture and camp life and how people coped with this amongst many other issues. I thoroughly enjoyed this show and really thought the atmosphere and ambience was completely appropriate to the drama content. A popped round afterwards and spent the day with me today, which was again, lovely.

The arts always appeal to me and from this week's inspiration, I have a clear aim in my mind, I certainly would like to attend more poetry events - in fact I have one to attend on Tuesday all being well on the Babysitter front. I have also been informed about a regular monthly reading event that I would def like to get to, it sounds fun and like a good group of people. I also really want to try and attend the Blackdrop events on a regular basis if possible..

A, met my son for the second time last night and they seem to get on well - I feel A relates to my son well which is all very good..


So all in all a very positive time and this sort of stuff really does bring me a lot of happiness and inspiration!
Tomorrow, I may head up to a Beer Festival and then maybe out with friends for further catching up..we'll see what develops between now and then

Reflective Thinking

I've calmed down since my angry last post. I had a really good night last night, met up with some sweet people who often attend the same club night as me and indeed, Dj at it. It was lovely to chat with them all and nice to chat and meet some new people.. we all then headed to a good night at the Maze and lots of dancing, chatting and laughing, indeed it was also sweet to bump into old friends at The Maze and talk with them..

Today, I've been reflecting a lot about the actions that we do and the decisions we make and how these impact on others. It has to be said, I can't but help feel that my actions during times in my life could've been different but then I guess, if the path is somnewhat mapped for us then who knows? Maybe these actions are the grand scheme of things...?
Also, I don't feel proud that I've left a legacy to my kids regarding me not being with their Fathers but I've always been a firm believer in having a happy household for kids, rather than a war zone and the way both of my previous relationships headed, was a war zone and battle. I'm not saying that I ran as soon as the going got tough either but had the patience of a saint on many occasions and indeed, just realised that when two people can't function anymore then something positive has to be done and when all else fails, action has to be taken.
I talk about this after a poignant conversation I had last night with someone who was in a loveless marriage but who'd chosen to stick it out for the sake of the kids..I found this honourable but at the same time, felt a sense of sadness that the person is having to live this way and is making abig sacrifice regarding their own happiness - maybe I'm selfish on this level but I just know I could never live a lie on that level to my kids..each to their own though and I wish the best for this person and their life and kids..I guess all scenarios are different and complex.

Life? It's a funny thing really when you think about all of the emotions that pass through us on a daily and indeed life level and yet, on a simple level as humans we're here and then gone the next - always seems so mad when I think of it in this context..

Time for blog rest methinks

So, weirdness has occurred once again..I don't think this is healthy for me to keep enduring these emotional rollercoasters from the opposite sex but I ain't going to go into detail..I can't be told one thing and then a person goes all cold and weird! this is erratic and unhealthy for anyone and most of all for me. So, I think I may have some time out of blogworld to gather my thoughts...I'm looking very forward to theatre and poetry next week and I guess I must keep on remembering that I was born alone and I will die alone..
And the worst of it is, how can someone make an arrangement and completely not acknowledge it to the point that they just don't let you know or don't turn up???? Beats me and so DISREPECTFUL!

Tomorrow night? I'm out on a mate's Birthday celebration now and dancing the night away at a good club night - Fuck all of those people who fuck me around - FUCK THEM - I DESRVE BETTE! Dancing? Always does the trick for me!

Thursday's Thoughts..

A good productive day today - counselling, shopping in lovely shops on Derby Road and an invite out with my Friend Louise tomorrow night..I have no babysitter though, but maybe I could try and find one, beings as though A is busy with his uni stuff!

A night out could be fun, especially with lovely louise! Hmm..Time to make a few phone calls methinks!

Wind of change

So the autumn wind and rain are with us and in many ways, this symbolises change, out with the old and new beginnings.

Wind of change
Rearrange -
Blow out the old, destructive -
Bring in the new..
Nurturing -
Accepting.
Constructive!.
Without acceptance, nurturing and love,
Life stays static; rots,
Emotions become erratic.
Autumn gold shine on me,
My life is free
To be
Who I want to be.
Free my world of destructive, corruptive energy.


So been reading the Diane di Prima Revolutionary Letters poetry book and Man Interrupted about OCD. Also been following stuff about Naomi Klein's Shock Doctrine. Interesting stuff and poignant to say the least!
Not alot planned for this week but I have LKJ spoken word event to look forward to on monday and my hope to do something on Saturday night - not sure what but time will guide the force.. I asked my son if he wants to head to Goose Fair but he just isn't interested so that seems like a No No. Hmm back to qriting some stuff for work and reading my books!

Blessed is the anger, for it brings forth new territory

Wow, what a weekend! I thought I was going to have a quiet and chilled time of it but that one, yet again, didn't happen! Yesterday, I went for a lovely swim, wrote a new poem about love and expectation for the future, read some of Diane Di Prima's poems, read a few pages of a book about OCD.
I spoke to an old friend, who I haven't seen in ages and we decided to go out into the city and go out did we! Early bird drinking hath wrath! We manage to cram in The Rose of England, almost The Thurland - but it was empty! Wax bar, The Lord Roberts, The Old Angel..ending up in a cyber techno night which was fun and a good crowd of people.
I received a phone call from A asking to come and meet me in the pub. Of course I couldn't say no and even though we'd had a fall out and he'd felt the wrath of my anger, things have cooled and moved to a better place...
He's like my playmate, bringing much love, fun, silliness and laughter when I'm around him..even though we have destructive moments at times, he feels so easy and comfortable to be around and to feel such comfort and ease is a lovely thing really.
So we met up and he returned with me, in my very bad and drunken state and met my eldest son Anton for the first time..I feel that maybe, we're entering a different sort of territory with each other, which is a good thing..Maybe we just know each other's moods better..and maybe, we're thinking a little more ahead about planning things which can only be positive..

Was good to chill today, I read a few chapters from the OCD book that I've borrowed from the library, to A, which made us giggle a little and we did contemplate going for dinner but I was feeling too crap and so thought the better of it.

Been thinking alot about attending a CND protest in October at Aldermaston and also possibly attending a poetry reading in October..time will tell. I'm also contemplating doing a music course - A thinks my mixing skills are pretty good and that I fit music together well, after doing a load of mixing at his a few weeks back! I also enjoy doing this as I feel it takes me into a great place mentally - the ability to lose oneself in music is a real wonderful escape and creativity. All of this active thinking and action, is so healthy and so inspiring for me, cos I know I'm the sort of person who needs a lot of stimuli to keep me feeling like I'm alive and living as I should be, as a human being!

Is the fuckin world insane or what?

So, we're heading to a really bad recession. And yet, splashed all over the media are still, crappy celebrity news reporting - like this is supposed to make us feel a load better? Like we're supposed to think that by reading this shite, our country's troubles will depart us? Serious fuckin bullshit! I can't believe what this country is turning into! What happened to people being bothered? I feel that as a nation, many of the public are completely dumbing down. I cycled to my swimming pool today which happens to be in University grounds and I noticed all of the new Freshers; tanned, white teeth smiles, classy clothes, designer looking clothes, wannabe looking celebs..where are the rads amongst these people?

It amazes me to be completely honest and please don't think I'm criticising these people, I'm criticising the system we're finding ourselves in..

What about all of those people whose livelihoods are being wiped away as we speak? Where's the news reporting about this? I ain't seeing much and I ain't hearing much anger or worry amongst people..

I've been recently inspired by taking notice of some of Naomi Klein's stuff - The Shock Doctrine..interesting stuff..I've also been reading some poems by Diane di Prima, who was a beat poet, back in the day! I love her work..truly inspiring for sure. All of these thoughts take me back to my original thoughts that the way Capitalism works is so unsustainable and still only benefits certain parts of society..and indeed, the world.

So maybe my angry head is on today cos I'm off out to hear some punk bands tonight..I've sure as hell been kicking some angry ass this week. This ain't usually me, but the feminine softness only lasts so long and then it reaches EXPLOSION proportions!! Time to channel my anger into something worthwhile and hopefully attend the CND protest in October if time permits..

Attach - Detach? Attach? Confused!!

So, my head is heavy and many thoughts are wizzing around my head so to alleviate this, I wrote this poem..it's a way of dealing with the modern day way of human relationships which quite frankly, I must be an old fashioned girl! I'm proud of being as such and don't ever want to change!

Double Barrel Mineral

Detachment?
Is like cutting your heart out -
Placing it on the mantel piece marble;
Cold, lonely, ornamental, compartmental.
Blood flowing nowhere -
Dripping into thin air,
Isolated,
And merging
Into a dead lake
of salt -
That hardens to a crystal
Forming pistol -
Shooting right through the heart,
Sustaining isolation apart!

Attachment
Is living in your heart,
Consuming energy from a fire,
Glowing, warm, pulsating desire,
Blood flowing freely,
To organs connected - totallity,
Wholesome.
And pulsating
Into a wild volcano
Of heat
That flows like red burning lava,
Forming passion,
Erupting manically in the heart
Fulfills the hole... WHOLE!!



So, I'm trying to think of things to keep me busy over the next few days. Maybe I'll hire a DVD , I haven't seen 'Control' yet and would really like to see it! I also will pay a visit to the library as I'd like to borrow a few books. One a book poetry called
'Revolutionary Letters' by Diane di Prima
and another called 'Animal Omens' about animals and spirituality..I'm also thinking of reading Interventions by Noam Chomsky but will see if they have this in the library!

I'm pondering whether to go to a Demo night at Blueprint but am seriarsely skint so maybe I just need to relax and have a quiet weekend and maybe cycle over to A's to pick my dress up. It would be sort of useful to see him aswell so that I can chat with him about stuff and maybe get some happy medium. Hmm difficult stuff.

So the days wonder past.....

The last few days have been a contemplative time indeed. I'm rewinding to Friday night quite a lot and trying to remember whether I did anything really wrong whilst at A's. I don't think I was that bad, I know I was on a bit of a swearing mission and I was maybe a little too loud but I am a loud person at times and this tends to be cos I get excited about stuff and then want to share my excitement with others. I sort of think I may've been a little challenging too but apart from this, I was also very kind and thoughful - FFS, I cycled to Sainsburys in the dark, bought some food and ingredients for a birthday cake and made said cake!

Although I now realise that men who are cooks are best left alone in the kitchen cos they get territorial about things and seem to want to take over!

I don't know, I'm missing A a lot and missing not having contact with him although I left an item of clothing at his I think so maybe at some point I'll see him to retrieve it. I don't like to think that you can get so close to someone over a year and then they're sort of not in your life anymore.. especially when you've shared extremely intimate moments and spent weekends together..Hmm not easy!

Crapness at my birthday!

My oh my, what a crap start to being 1 year older than last year! OK, so mates were lovely and I received some lovely pressies, this I'm honoured about. I had a weird but nice eve on Friday with A but then I received no card from A, just shows how unimportant I am..and thus, all of the weird expectations etc, got me a thinking and now after ridiculous texting..I walk alone ....again. Saying that, I felt a barrage of criticism on Friday from A, which began to start to feel bad and made me feel pretty shit so maybe, this was the message about to come anyway!

I can't be doing with detachment anymore when it comes to relationships with people and I don't care if people can't handle my open heart and honesty, full on-ness, love, kindness etc etc. I guess, another hard knock along the way just gives you a bit more heart bruising!! I guess I get too attached and I guess, that means, I have to be alone because it seems many people out there aren't on the level I'm on regarding opening the heart, or indeed seem to only love you when they're playing but at no other time - this, I can't do. I'm sad about all of this of course but been through worse and no doubt will experience crap again..

So, I guess it's time to knuckle down and think about future things. I think I'm gonna head out of the city next weekend and get a break from Notts.. Think I'll head out to the countryside and do a well needed walk..I hope the weather is as lovely as this weekend cos Derbyshire is lovely when it's sunny and autumn!

Fuckin life, does my head in at times! But maybe, just maybe, this is all the universal way of paths leading and unfolding to where they should lead...who fuckin knows??

So Sara, let's think all things positive thoughts.
1. Linton Kwesi in a few weeks time - Hooray.
2. Zero theatre play in a few weeks time - Hooray!
3. Thinking of going to do a music course at Confetti studios - Hooray if I get my shit together to do it!
4. Friend's 30th birthday in November!

Hmm keep on thinking positive thoughts!

Distance

So still unsure of what's to be for the Bday but hopefully meet up with friends and have some drinks and then see what happens after that.
Somtetimes in life, the realisation that those who you are intimate with can also be so distant really, beats the living crap out of me!

Was lovely to see good friends last night for a meal..really sweet night, lovely company and food and many sweet gesture presents! Bless those friends who never falter and remain..

Anyway, here's to birthday celebrations tomorrow!

Complexities and the first leaf fall...

I saw my first leaf of autumn fall off a tree today whilst on a dinner break and how lovely to notice such things..it was from a young tree that was slowly shedding its leaves ready for the coming coldness. I love autumn and seeing this, makes me want to head out to the countryside and admire the autumnal colours..maybe next weekend could be a good idea if I can find a willing partner to come along with me!

So, it's my birthday on Saturday and I have nothing firm arranged. There was talk of a free festival in The Peaks that sounds ace but one of my friends who was up for driving up there, has a really bad cold so I think that idea is out of the question really. It looks like a night out in Nottingham, maybe a few drinks in Hockley and possibly a head down to The Highness night. Tomorrow night I'm out with dear friends for a curry to celebrate which will also be lovely to be around close friends. Friday, a swim and chill out at home I guess and maybe get cosy in my front room.

I've randomnly spoke to A and he's more than likely heading off to his Mum's caravan again this weekend, supposedly alone but who knows? Weird really that you can spend close time with someone and yet, they choose to head off on your birthday weekend which in retrospect is a person's own choice and thus shows me that I'm no importance really in the grand scheme of his life... So, I live my life accordingly!

Counselling again for me tomorrow which should be good and is indeed, turning many lights on for me.. I get on well with my counsellor and I definitely think she's the right choice for me.

Families? Don't you love them? My sister rang me the other day and spoke to me like a child - yelling and screaming at me purely because I asked my Dad if he was bringing his friend to his birthday meal in October; the friend is a woman and platonic friendship. I'm glad my Dad has a friend since my Mum's death but my sister ain't a happy bunny! I've decided that it's unfair of her to talk to me in that manner and tone - I'm not a child and neither is she! Dear me, people? They can be so complex and hard work at times..

I guess it's fair to say I'm feeling stronger and I guess jolly but there's still moments of sadness that creep in when I think deeply about certain things..and I guess that's why I try and keep my head on a lifted level if you get me, because I really can't ever sink to the really low depths again..I guess we learn a lot from sinking so low in truth.

So here's to a birthday of undisclosed age and time to be around sweet friends.

Overwhelming feel of Love and weird vision

Is it just me or do other people get profound moments when they feel a deep compassion and empathy for others? Sometimes, I also feel that maybe I should be doing some deeper work with people and their emotions..I know I'm extremely understanding and often 'feel' what another may be feeling..not as in the physical sense as such but more whereby I feel a person's emotional pain..Like a sensory part of me picks up this from others..

I also had a weird moment again on early Saturday morning whereby I experienced a 'flashing of incident'..I don't know whether I'd started to dream or whether I was a tad comotosed as I had drunk a fair bit of wine and had knocked back a few Ouzo's, but I had an awful vision about a person wonderimg into A's flat and shooting all around with me having my head splattered all over the wall! Eugh, sounds gross I know and an awful experience but for whatever reason, I saw this in my mind and it was odd to say the least!

Also, a dear friend who I've been through quite a lot of rocky moments has once again cut the ties. I guess people choose to do things for whatever reasons but when I thought things were healthier and more easy going..it just shows that I was wrong about this which is a shame cos we've been through some thick and thin times and I've always been very understanding and always stuck up for this person. Hmm.

So, what with overwhelming love, splattered head across a white wall and a fractured friendship, what hope is there for my future??? ;-) One things for sure, I've endured a lot over the past few years and I know now that thus far, I'm coming out out alive at least - OK maybe a bit bruised and battered around the edges but still breathing!

Moment of clarity

Today, I had the most profund moment of clarity about life..I realised that I am free and liberated on many levels and I can do just as I like, indeed, within the realms of what being a mother entails of course.
I reminded myself that I don't need a any 'man' to define me. I also want a man who can be just as openhearted, giving, loving, caring, selflesss etc etc, as I know I am. I don't know where this feeling came from, but it occured whilst I was at A's flat; I read an interesting article in The Guardian yesterday in the Q and A section about John Waters who made silent films in the 60s and then went on to produce Pink Flamingoes and Hairspray. His idea bout love struck me when he said that his 'friends' love was the best - it lasts the longest'.
I liked this view because yes, all of my close and good friends have been there for me from day one and continue to fill my life with love and happiness without question and through thick and thin!

I also had a fleeting desire to head off out of the city for some country air again. Part of me feels like heading out to Edale for my birthday weekend - I love Edale in the Autumn..it's exhilerating and wonderful.I've semi planned other stuff with mates but to hell with it, I may just divert and head off out of the city with anyone who cares to head out with me..we'll see.

So A, he cooked me a lovely Indian meal and spent ages doing it, making everything from fresh ingredients and even hand made the chapatis! This was thoughtful, caring and sweet of him and pretty impressive too. There's something pretty sexy about watching a man cook especially when they spend so much time and energy doing this to please and ensure the taste buds are awoken! I spent many happy hours with him and always do, he makes me laugh and reminds me of how good it is to be in light and fun company!
This week is a hectic-ish one. I have a colleagues leaving do on Tuesday night in Nottingham. I also have a birthday meal with friends on Thursday and no fixed plans for the weekend as yet, so we'll see. It's also A's birthday so I'd like to do somethimg nice for him but no firm plans have been made as yet!
I also think my counselling is working well for me. It's making me think about many a thing and reflecting a lot about stuff..it sort of hurts my head a little afterwards but maybe this is why I'm also feeling moments of clarity and positivity!

Ho Ho Ho the beat goes on....

Ho, what a few turbulent days I've just had but nothing that can't be coped with or indeed, left behind.Not going to go into it but same old patterns of behaviour that frankly, I;'m bored to the back teeth of now.
Today I went for another counselling session, this was good, useful and very very productive. Issues that were raised made me think a lot about stuff with A.. and it was interesting for my counsellor to highlight a few things that resonated well. I also spoke to A after a few angry moments of communication wheeby, he rang me back staright away and we had a bit of a shout, anger fit but then it managed to calm down to laughter and understanding...So, I have an invite this weekend to dinner at his..I guess some bridges might be built along the way, or a good chance to chat about things that are bothering me and let him communicate his stuff, concerns to me to me and then maybe, we'll find some equilibrium somewhere! I guess we all fuck up along the way and do the most irratinal things at times but hey, we learn from irrational behaviour and we change this!

I still go back on my initial thoughts about him, the fact that he's able to look at himself and try to change things, this made me feel attracted to him initially and still does.

I also received my Benga CD! I love this guy's music - so sexy and heavy, if you like the Dubstep vibe I urge you to check out Diary of an Afro CD - Excellent tunage and I know A will totally be knocked over by it, so I'm gonna do him a burn and I reckon a night of heavy Dubstep, wine and homecooked food will be a welcoming end to the week and intro to a potentially wild and bassy weekend!

So much to look forward to....

Today, was my first interraction out in the e community, with learners again, after my 3 month period of illness away from work. I was working 1-1 with learners who really struggle with basic english. It was lovely to work in two different locations and met 3 new learners who hopefully, I will be able to help them on some level with their English, be it spelling basic words and personal details and maybe recognising new words to read..Bearing in mind these people have hardly any, or no understanding of spelling and reading words. They may indeed, be only able to read or recognise a max of 20 or so words! It was a pleasure to get to know these 3 men of whom were all very respectful and appreciative as I was learning about their own needs and difficulties. I guess these experiences do remind me once again about the joy of teaching others and hoping that I can make a positive change in their life on some scale at least. So, every Tuesday for me for the time being, is working with these 3 men..a young man and 2 elderly men..
It was also good to bump into an old colleague who works at one of the hostels that I'll be going into.I haven't seen him for quite some time and was good to have a small chat about things and catch up with what's been happening.
This weekend, the plan is to go camping.I hope the weather picks up but I guess if it doesn't then the trick is to just embrace the rain and take things as they come! I'd like to do some walking at least but time will tell.

Next week is my birthday. I plan to see friends for a meal and maybe do a club night but nothing is set in stone as yet again, time will tell! I also have Linton Kwesi Johnson to look forward to on the 6th October and can i wait? No I can't! It will be a true honour for me to see and hear this man's performance..I also aim to go to a fellow blogger's play called Zero, at the Lakeside Theatre in Nottingham. I have to plead with my son to babysit but I'm sure he'll be a dear and beings as though the play is on a week night and not much really happens in the week for the youts!

I've been reading Polly Toynbee's interesting article today about class in Britain and this was a pretty good piece with some good observations. I think much of the public forget that we have ever growing class divisions that continue to shape the lives of many people..whether people choose the ignore this is up to them but class is still very much an issue and one that in my opinion needs to be continually challenged in our 'modern' age! Ironically, I read in the same paper that a Director of a utility company had been given a 1mil pay rise! Now surely that should be enough to rise people out of the ghetto but is it? No it isn't! I guess when people are happy to continue to dumb down to celebrity shows, porn on the internet, meaningless TV programes then not alot of proaction is going to happen! For Christ sakes people, where are all of the radicals and reactionaries in this country? I wish they'd crawl out of the woodwork again and let the powers that be realise that enough is enough! Off I go then to watch some more porn! ;-)

Comin at ya full pelt

Like a train -
Comin at ya full pelt..
Building up speed
Pelts emotion into turmoil,
Wheels turning, turning,
Reminiscent of divine yearning -
Yearning..
Things move and change,
Some things?Can't be explained..
They move but they never...
Change.
For time moves and turns
But energy remains -
Drowns and pours with emotion,
Purely inexplicable

Lost in the rain.

Lost in the rain,
That feeling surfaces once again..
Haunting the emotions..

Shadow

Inconsideration -
A nation of selfishness,
Charged by the self
Egotistical.
Detachment,
False re-enactment,
Walk the solitary path,
With shadows,
Lost in the past..
Depth and love?
Exist in the realm,
Of magic -
Of energy..
A chemical reaction
Unspoken.

Festival High and Hometime Low

Had a wonderful end to the summer by the last minute decision to go to the OTT festival, which is always a good one. I felt I needed to get away and let my hair down especially because I have been constantly pondering the thought of the 'man' going away with his X this week. This is not a nice thought by any stretch of the imagination and although he's tried to console me about stuff, I just don't know.
It feels inconsiderate and uncaring really and because of this, my rebellious head kicked in and said 'party time'. AND, party time it was. I loved to see Dreadzone and Eat Static - they were amazing and Dreadzone still punch it out on a political level which is always a good thing..I hardly slept all weekend and thus, crashed at work yesterday and became all anxious about the man being away..as you can well imagine!
I guess this means that I may need to now detach really. I don't want further anxieties and worries, especially when ,my birthday is slow approaching..I want peace in my heart and my mind for sure.

I also felt low when I read the newspaper, dear me, an economic crisis that's the worse one for 60 years! I feel for those people whose businesses and homes are being swallowed up as we speak..the way we are living is so unsustainable and something really radical has to change, in my honest opinion.

One positive note, I go to se Linton Kwesi Johnson perform in October and I can't wait! I love this man and what he talks about. I love his politics, observations and challenges to the system and thank God for those who still speak out about unfair systems and practices..

So the man, what to do? I'm confused and I'm supposed to feel OK but it's not an easy one by any stretch of the imagination..and not a healthy feeling after the wonderful time I had at the festival.BAH!!!!

Ethical thoughts and dilemmas

In a quandry and confused, one could say. As a mother of two boys and a single parent, I sometimes get the feeling that people look down on me and indeed, when it comes to affairs of the heart, men don't want the 'baggage' that goes along with being a single mother. Fair enough, I say but I'm hardly on the lookout for a potential father for my boys - they both have fathers and both see their fathers regularly. I guess what I'm saying is, I sometimes get the feeling that women in this position are deemed as unworthy on some levels..

Also, is it ethical and indeed fair, for someone who a person may be sharing intimate times with, to be going away with their ex for a few days? I'd be interested to hear others' views about this because I don't think it's appropriate or indeed considerate of the other person's feelings. I know some ex's are good friends and the like but this just doesn't sit right..Hmm I look forward to your thoughts about this...
?????????

So the holiday is over and the wanderlust continues

So blogging has taken a backburner whilst I've been away on holiday in the beautiful Saronic Gulf of Greece. Agistri, the small island my son and I stayed on was beautiful, peaceful, traditionally Greek, slow and friendly.
I realise that we, in the UK live so fast and furious that at times, it's no wonder people get burn-out! The Greek way of life I have always admired; late eating, slower pace of life, a seemingly communal spirit.

I was nervous about travelling to this island, mainly because of the ferry business and connecting from Pireaus, when in reality, this was a piece of cake - shuttle bus directly to the port and (enormous and buzzing as Piraeus port is) find the correct ferry and then wait for said ferry! I liked the feel of Piraeus and some of the lovely old buildings! I'm not too keen on the more modern architecture but the old traditional Greek architecture, is truly beautiful!

My holiday consisted of much relaxation, swimming, cycling, sunbathing, reading, eating out and in, drinking and Greek dancing in a traditional taverna, meeting new sweet people, clubbing! Clubbing I hear you say with a child? Greek style island hoildaying allows this, it's true! I went to the club with some other people I met and their son and had a great time, the Greeks certainly know how to club! What an atmosphere! I was also invited by a very sweet Greek man and his wife, to accompany them back to Athens, to sleep at their apartment, which was a stone's throw from The Acropolis..I declined the offer mainly due to finances and the heat as my son was struggling a little with the VERY high temperatures..I though, loved it and do enjoy being in the sunshine although the shade is also refreshing to be in, when the goings gets so warm!

I also made a few contacts with people who offered me cheaper accommodation if and when I decide to revisit.. I'd love to go back out there at some point..I discussed with A the possibility of us heading over there for a week later this year but time and circumstances will tell on that score..I feel this travel has put many things into perspective and indeed reminded me that there's a whole wide world out there with many sweet, caring and generous people! I also did discuss English teaching work out there and it seems, private tutoring is big out in Greece..Hmm this thought keeps my wanderlust alive for sure..

Sadly and anxiouly I return to work tomorrow, I'm nervous about this, it has to be said but time will tell how I cope..I'm sure all will be fine but I guess it's been so long since I was there, anxiety does take over somewhat! Early night in order tonight and wish me luck for my first day back!

Saturday's Thoughts and Feelings

So I read today that a state funeral is planned for Thatcher! i can't think of anything more insulting to be very honest and really don't believe this woman is deserving of a state funeral! Check out the link about this but I ain't in no shape or form happy about it if this is granted and no doubt, many of the left leaning of the Brit population won't be either!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2008/jul/14/past.margaretthatcher

Tracey Emin is exhibiting in Edinburgh until November. I'd really love to see this exhibition; I think Emin is a fantastic artist. Not only does she have guts, nouse and talent, she also refuses money for work and I quote...

"Yesterday Emin revealed that she had been offered £1m to remake the tent, but had refused. The offer had come by way of the insurance company of collector Charles Saatchi, who owned the work at the time of its destruction. "I have never, ever done anything for the money," she said. Making the tent again, out of its time, seemed wrong. It feels needed here, to complete a circle; yet, at the same time, its absence is appropriate in an exhibition where so much of the material relates to loss, to the impossibility of memory's recovery, to an unrealisable desire to change the past.

I salute this woman wholeheartedly, as I also do regarding her view about love and sex..her description about making love replicates my own views about such an intimate act with another person and what a truly delightful account of how she feels on an emotional, spiritual and physical level. There aren't many in life who you meet whereby this feeling is apparent and when it is, it's pure bliss! I always feel that making love with someone is only right when the 'head' is truly into what is happening..without this, making love isn't making love but a mechanical, empty act..Anyway, read her wonderful description

"When I'm having sex and being fucked and I disappear into the ether and it's amazing, I feel like I am being crucified; and it makes me feel of Jesus and how he is supposed to represent love. When you really feel love for someone you go to another place - and that level of ecstasy could be heaven. There's nothing blasphemous about it - it's absolutely genuine. Making love and being in love are just fantastic. It should happen more often."

I depart the UK shores tomorrow for Greece and I 'm nervously excited! I want to see so much when I'm there but I also need to chill and kick back quite a bit. I'd love to get to see Hydra and Aphea on Ageana..we'll see!

Ease of light

That feeling,
Is here..
That depth
Appears.
Even though there's differences,
Uncannily -
There's an alikeness -
Like no other.
An understanding -
A willingness to learn
And be taught..
A love that isn't fraught;
Simple, unsought.
An ease of light,
Cheeky, sweet insights.
Naughty, playful bites,
Flying as high as a kite..
Complimentary..

To be continued/adapted

Cyberworld to reality

Life is what happens along the way.How very true. I'm spending less and less time in cyberworld and more and ore time in reality - much more fun. Cyberworld has its place of course in times of boredom and isolation but real life happenings are much more fulfilling!
I've had a good week since I last posted. I attended my firat counselling session. Was interesting and weird but gave me the chance to air a few things - however, this airing in some ways, left me feeling quite emotionally wrought for the rest of the day and put me in an odd mindset. I will continue though and see how things go although I have told the counsellor, who is very sweet, that I want a challenge and want strategy..not sure if she's getting what I mean but time will tell!

I spent much of my weekend doing just as I wanted - being with A. I visited him Thursday night and in some respects, I feel he got some of the counselling aftermath from me, which I guesss when the emotions have been opened up, they do come out at odd moments!
Friday, I went shopping for holiday things and thenagain, A decided to come to mine whereby I cooked us some food and we chilled outside for a bit..Saturday was complete laziness but utter bliss - bed, beer, takeaway, DVDs, playfulness, sleep!
Sunday, I had an arrangement with my good friend Michelle who is home at the mo on holiday. She currently lives in Mauritius and thus, was great to catch up. If finances allow, I will go and visit her out there next year but I'll do it alone without my kids because the flights are so expensive..assuming of course, that Jake's Father will be willing to look after Jake for a week to 10 days. Would be great to so something like this with A but time will tell. I do so love being around him. It feels easy, light, loving, fun, happy, jokey, pleasurable and sweet. It also seems that we manage to air out any issues that come apparent, which is good and I guess this is where honesty and good communication help.

Back to my friend Miche, I spent the whole afternoon and evening with her and her partner and was lovely to catch up, share thoughts and suchlike. I think Mauritius is changing her but this is inevitable as once you leave a place behind, it opens up a whole new vision of the world.. and England does always feel so 'small' when you return - I remember this feeling after I'd lved in Denmark for a period of time.

A week to go until my wonderful Greece holiday - looking forward so much to it as is my son..A friend is happily staying staying in my house whilst I'm away to house and cat sit..and gives her a break from being in the inner city - which is pretty helpful for me!
I really can't believe that I've got such a wonderful holiday to look forward to! It will do me the world of good and will aid mine and Jake's mum/son relationship...wonderful stuff and just to be in those tavernas, the sea, swimming pools and pine forests is filling me with excitement! Let's hope the plane won't have a dodgy hole in its side! Scary stuff!

Blessed to be around green-ness!

Gardens? I love them. I feel blessed that I have one and try to use it as much as possible during the summer and for that matter, through to late November! I always try to have a Halloween Party outdoors and always make sure I get a good fire going. My garden is smallish but contains the most beautifullest of evergreen tree., I think it's a Larch tree but then, when I look at tree identification books, it sometimes looks like some other tree! Anyway, since the weather has been a little better today,I sat outside with my good friend Lorna from 2pm until late! We sunbathed, took pictures of a beautiful flower that spings to life right now, read the newspaper, girlie talked, drank wine, ordered and ate take away, got cold as dusk fell and so I lit a fire and we sat at my table with candles and fire alight and just enjoyed being. It has to be said, I'm a CONTROL FREAK, when it comes to fires and maintaining their flames. I get psychotic about keeping the flames alight and indeed, ensuring there's anough wood to burn. It's highly amusing and yet an issue for my counsellor to deal with I feel, when I visit her this week. After Lorna had left, I sat outside until just before midnight and just enjoyed the stillness and calm that this time of the evening brings; quietness and tranquility everywhere. I think it should be a right that every household has a green space. It just gives another breath of air into life and without this, I feel humans aren't in tune as much..Sounds like hippy tripe I guess but for me, nature is a profound and healing force and energy.

I have also been reflecting about the weekend that's just passed and feel warm in my heart when I think about the very sweet memories. Friday night, I must've been irritating somewhat, as A was filling out an application and all I could do was interrupt him and laugh out loud at the book I started to read at his..He forgave me though, well at least his actions seem to prove this! I laugh a lot when I'm with him and at times, I feel like I regress into childlike behaviour, which is all very sweet!

Hopefully, a good friend is going to be in Nottingham on Sunday evening. She's stopping over in the UK for a week whilst visiting family during a break from her job in Mauritius. Will be truly lovely to see her and I think I'll probably cry when I do. We've been through many emotional times together and the cord of love is strong so I feel that my emotions will get the better of me when I do see her again and catch up! Bearing in mind, this is a friendship that has now spanned over a good 15+ years and still beats strong..

I also hope to see A at some point and to laugh and get close to him again..for human closeness and intimacy is one of the most beautiful things on the planet! Apart from trees, nature and gardens of course!

Delight is the weekend...

What a wonderful weekend I've just had. Friday, I had nothing as such planned and headed to the library, borrowed 3 books and a DVD. The loose plan was to cook myself some nice food, have a drink of wine and watch my DVD and read.However, things changed and I ended up cycling to A's and cooked dinner for him and me, whilst he filled out an application form. I shared such a lovely night with him and left early as he had an interview. Later that day, we arranged to get together again, I cycled back to his, chilled out with him and then got ready to go out for a friend's birthday meal. I returned to A's and stayed there until this afternoon, whereby, we lazed around in bed and ate croissants and chatted.
Once again, a delightful time was had with him and I always feel a sense of sadness when I leave him and immediately miss him but life must trundle on and I have responsibilties in my home life to deal with..In many respects I feel lucky that I am able to live the sort of life I live with such freedoms and lovely times. A, in many ways, makes me feel happy inside and slows me down when I'm in his company..OK we have the potential to be wild and the like but he's a lighthearted and funny person, which makes me feel very light when I'm around him.

It's always a difficult one when you are parted from one who you share intimacy with and to adapt to being away from them can be hard but I guess the key is to relive those special memories in your heart and mind and treasure them like no other for time moves and things develop..I can truly say, I feel satiated, light and very happy! So, here's to this weekend and indeed, looking forward to spending lovely time with A again in the near future! Although, I must remember he has work to be getting on with and I mustn't be too greedy!

My Lucky Son

I spoke to my Son's Father Jorgen, today - the aim was to speak to my son but, unbeknown to me, he's now in Sweden (Sverige as the Swedish name in reality is) staying at his Uncle's Mum's summerhouse in a Forest, near a lake, just outside of Goteborg (Gothenburg!) Lucky bloody him, lucky that he gets so many wonderful opportunities to see these wondrous places at such a tender age.
Trouble is, at 17 years old, I don't think you really appreciate the beauty of such places because all you're bothered about is mates, hanging out, girls, music etc etc.
His Dad also informed me that the Danish developers are starting to take down the 'wooden self build structures' that have been built around Christiania. This really saddened me because this is like 30+ years, of alternative living history being wiped away. I'm not a big fan of development and I think Copenhagen retains its attractiveness to many tourists because of places like Christiania. The thing is too, Christiania is situated on a beautiful piece of prime land in that, it's a big lake surrounded by nature, woods - a calm in the middle of the city, you could almost say. Very sad if the whole place goes, very sad indeed. The news brought a tear to my eye because I have so many fond memories of the place and I guess really, it would be worth me visiting there again before they demolish the lot - if indeed, they continue to. I urged my son's Father Jorgen, to show Anton this place because it's an important part of Danish history and indeed, an alternative way to how people have lived for so many years. Again, he may not appreciate it now but in years to come, I do think Anton will regret never seeing Christiania, if it does finally go.
I also told his Dad about a massive rave taking place just outside of Christinia, which I think Anton would love! He likes his drum and Bass and hip hop and this could be a good way for him to finally see how the young Danes like to Party!
It's funny how as adults, we assume or indeed hope kids/teens will like certain things when in reality, all they really seem to want are good friends, no trouble from anyone, a bit of money to spend and a place to hang out..As a parent, I want Anton to experience as many things as possible but then I have to remember, we're all individuals and have different personalities.I was extrovert and adventurous at 18 years old and I can't measure my son's quiet and chilled personality by my yardstick. A funny things is being a parent and seeing your kids grow and develop..All I know is, that Anton has been very lucky in that he's had an extended Danish family who have been extremely wonderful to him along his formative years and I feel truly grateful for this and indeed, that me and his Dad/Family have retained good, healthy relationships even though we've been apart for so many years!

Thursday's Thoughts

Today has been a hectic and reflective one. I had a back to work meeting which went well but in many ways, I don't know if my heart is with this work anymore. Time will tell and indeed, time will tell re. my iron levels and whether I need further tests to conclude what may be or not be, wrong with me. I've decided to cut my weeking work down to 3 days. I need the time for my head and my kids and I don't want to continually feel under pressure just for the sake of a job.
I've been thinking a lot about A today and dreamt about him last night. I think spending Monday night with him, really altered perspectives on many levels and I realise that my feelings are DEEP.
I've been also thinking about visiting my Mum's graveside cos I haven't been for some time and I sort of feel the urge - I always feel this is the best way to visit a grave, when the mind and heart feels the urge, rather than out of a responsibility. I guess building a childhood music playlist has brought up a lot of feelings and memories for me regarding my Mum and childhood years..

I've also been contacted re. counselling sessions that I applied for some time back and I have a first full-on session next week. GULP! I'm scared about it and don't know how I'll cope with it but the only way to move forward is to grow and develop ourselves and indeed, recognise and know ourselves..

This weekend I am invited to my lovely friend's Julie and Ian, who are having a birthday meal in the city, which I'm hoping to attend.. I want to see A but I know he's busy and I don't want to impose on his time as he has deadlines to meet and this is crucial to him and his life.

So let's hope this summer rain at some points ceases and some sunshine comes out to play!

True Intimacy

Today I've been reflecting about intimacy with another person. This came about after something that I experiencd last night with A. It was a very touching and beautiful moment and one that I'll never forget..anyway, after plying through cyberworld I came across this writing about intimacy and thought it was very true for many people..


Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives -- yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing. And haven't we all had the desire at one time or another for closeness, for oneness, for sharing our time with someone.

Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love. In it he says, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love." Later in the same book Hodge states, "The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain." It is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding true intimacy.

I was giving a series of lectures at a university in southern Illinois. After one of the meetings, a woman came up to me and said, "I have to talk to you about my boyfriend problems." We sat down, and she began telling me her troubles. After a few moments, she made this statement: "I am now taking steps never to get hurt again." I said to her, "In other words, you are taking steps never to love again." She had thought I misunderstood, so she continued. "No, that's not what I am saying. I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want pain in my life." I said, "That's right, you don't want love in your life." You see, there is no such thing as "painless love." The closer we come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain.

I would estimate that you (and around 100 percent of the population) would say you have been hurt in a relationship before. The question is, how do you handle that hurt? In order to camouflage the pain, a lot of us give people what I call the "double-sign." We say to a person, "Look, I want you to come closer to me. I want to love and be loved . . . but wait a minute, I've been hurt before. No, I don't want to talk about these subjects. I don't want to hear those things." We build walls around our hearts to protect us from anyone on the outside getting in to hurt us. But that same wall which keeps people out, keeps us stuck inside. The result? Loneliness sets in and true intimacy and love become impossible.

So, as discussed a little in this article, the answers lie in having an open heart - and getting rid of all of the scar tissue that clogs up the heart along the way and loving freely and openly.

Quiet Contemplation and Reflection

So, I had a quiet today yesterday. I thought about many things and concluded that I needed to speak to A about stuff. Luckily, I managed to talk to him and suprisingly had a very long heart to heart chat with him about many things. I was suprised at what he opened up to me about and in many ways, this is good. I realise that my feelings are very strong for him and whatever happens, it would be good to keep him in my life on whatever level. He also opened his heart about the things he said to me and why he said these things..he also told me a few home truths about what he thinks I'm like which in some ways, was difficult to hear but maybe he does have a point and maybe I do need to work at some things.. What I always love about him is his ability to listen to what I say and reflect on this and take action..he's come a long way in his life and turned his life around massivley, accpeting his mistakes from the past and needing to change many things - this makes me feel truly proud of him and hopeful that things will be really good for him in the future..

So we're going to get together at some point this week, as I need to pick something up from his and I guess this will give us the chance to have a proper face-face conversation about things. I feel better that we're back in contact and at least opening up[ a little more about things.

I'm off for Sunday lunch later with some good friends which will be really sweet to see them! Hoorah!

One day I will get arrested....

Fun and games last night for sure. Met friends and contnued to neck what I think was probably 8 Black Russians in the space of 2 hours! By the eigth one, I remember heading to the toilets for a pee and realising that the women's toilets were all full so decided on raiding the men's toilets instead! Will there be ASBOs soon foir such anarchic behaviour? Funnily, a man was taking a pee and I asked if he minded me using the toilet whilst he peed. He laughed and said not at all and told me he was having trouble peeing - I replied that maybe he had something stuck up his urethra..dear me.
This meeting in the toilet led to further conversation in the bar, with him, his wife and his lovely Spanish friend. We all then decided to head to The Social for Rubber Room night which, exceeded all of my expectations..
I enjoyed chatting to the toilet man greatly, he was a writer and very easy to talk to about many things, his wife was lovely too. I love it when you have these connections and spontaneous happenings with people you've never met before in your life.
Sadly, we never got to say goodbye, I would've liked to have got their details and maybe meet up again but ah, it wasn't meant to be.

I preceeded to dance to some very old tunes which was fun and helped me feel a little better. I missed A, kept thinking about him and wanted to ring him but thought better of if. When I got home I fe;t sad but life must go on and maybe at some point soon, we'll get to chat about stuff. I want to talk to him about things..I can't just cut off my feelings and I really do hope there may be a return but with a different emphasis maybe? I'm confused but I do know that my feelings are strong. Bloody hell!

Friday night invites - what to do and DUBSTEP HEAVENESS!

A good friend of mine Lorna, has invited me out tonight, not sure yet what I'm gonna do but could be good to get out and see friends rather than dwelling in the doldrums! Been listening to a load of Dubstep and folks, I tell you this music is pure heaven - hardcore, bassy, dirrrrrrrty, grimey, sexy, sensual, erotic, dark, melancholic but radically uplifting. I love it and even more so, love dancing to the sounds it makes..Music, music is such a saviour - and an enormous part of my life..I'd be lost without it... I'll fill in what I decide to do after tonight..time and mood will tell.

Have a good weekend people

Today is a Difficult One

Fuck me, I woke up this morning feeling full of gloom regarding my business about A. I feel like there's a big hole in me and feel empty and sad, to the point of ridiculous life contemplating thoughts going through my stupid head.
I'm such an emotional person that at times, it really does my head in but I've always been as such and I guess this ain't gonna change.

I guess too, I'm thinking that normally we'd be spending weekends together and thus reminiscing. Bah! Realtionships/fuck buddies/Friends with benefits bullshit sucks. I can't do them! Time to take the lone road..

I have bloody strong feelings for A and I guess this is what happens when you spend a lot of time with someone on an intimate level - well at least for me it does. Shhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Swimming time methinks and this will do me good!

Seriously consider?

I was talking to my eldest son's Dad last night about our son and Denmark. My son is enjoying it over there and knuckling down in his uncle's restaurant being a general help all around, this is good for him to gain such experience and opportunity. Luckily, the Chef is an Australian guy which means, there is no issues surroundimg language problems.
My son's Dad was also discussing jobs over there and said that with my experience, he feels that I'd walk straight into a job! This is a dilemma I continue to have regarding moving to Denmark again. My youngest's sons Father lives in England and I wouldn't want to move him away from his Father. He's settled in school and doesn't talk Danish..but there are alternatives of course in Denmark, such as the International Schools.
A large part of me feels that I learned a lot from Danish people and their openheartedness, this I miss in the UK.. I love the warmth and sincerity of Danish people and miss this back here. I'm not implying or indeed, generalising that Brits aren't warm etc but there's just something very wholesome about Danes and indeed, their honesty and sincerity that I continually miss.. anyway I wrote this a while back about what Denmark did for me and it sort of makes me want to go back and settle down there again and be around these people - in many respects, it still feels like a sort of spiritual home..

What the Danes did for me...

Reminded me what it was, to be open hearted, sincere, honest, respectful, loving, free, giving, admiration of all, empathic, understanding and most of all, saved me.

My parents, friends, school, music, sub cultures, England and Denmark made me who I am. Of course, I believe we are all born with certain characteristics but the nurturing we receive, in whatever way, makes and defines who we are..

ME?
The Drama Queen,
The singer in the garden,
On the makeshift stage,
Letting out my rage,
Turning life's page.
Laughing and smiling,
Sparkly eyes crying.
Extrovertly shy.
Wore my heart on my sleeve -
Always believed.

Profound Dreams

Dreams? Once again, last night I had a very profound and strong dream - I realise this is because I have been bothered about something that A told me, that really affected me emotionally. I dreamnt about this issue and felt small, unworthy and meaningless..
This is not good and indeed, has made me think about many things. Sometimes in life, we have to cut out the things that we realise are starting to hurt us emotionally, even though we may feel a great love for a person, we have to practise self preservation..I have a wide open heart and with time, need a person to open their heart back..
Sad as this sounds, I have to walk a new path, I feel like I'm burning bridges. I'll miss A extremely so because I've such brilliant times with him but I need to be kind to myself and my heart.
Maybe some people too, say things that they know will upset you - personal comments etc, as a way of pushing you away from them?
Hmm.

Connection

Connection sometimes -
Never goes,
It gets buried -
In the depths of your soul -
It becomes awoken,
When words -
Once again,
Are spoken..
Quietness broken.
It flows freely,
When minds share -
Thoughts and energies.
Complimentary.
Connection is the spark -
That lights the dark,
Of everyday reality -
Shortcutting and healing fragility..

Oh Yes!

So my teenrage son is in Denmark with his Father, last night he was working with his uncle in their restaurant on Vesterbro - which will be great work experience for my son..The house is quiet and staying SO tidy, which for me is wonderful!

So, I've recovered from my long party on Saturday night! I finally got to bed at 5am in the morning but was good all the same to be around good friends. I'm also starting to think alot about Greece and my forthcoming holiday - I CAN'T WAIT! I'm very excited about the thought of being out there again after such a long time and maybe meeting some new friends from different parts of the world, plenty of swimming, some sightseeing, lots of taverna night dancing and chilling and enjoying sweet times with my youngest son! Lots of walking and bikeriding too! Wonderful stuff.

I'm still off work - another month or so and then we'll see what my blood levels are like..

Keep contemplating another festival at the end of August, can't afford it but I think I should just fuck it and have a good time..then get back f=down to some serious work, head down and concentrating on paying off holiday debt and thinking about a further down the road career change..we'll see!