Support

I had a visit from a colleague today, my line manager. She said I looked tired and after much discussion, she thought I was definitely not ready to come back to work. She informed me that everything would be fine for the rest of the year, if indeed, I need such time out. We discussed the whys and wherefors about my exhaustion but I din't go to heavily into my personal stuff; The past few years have been a test emotionally and I guess the break with A the issues with my teen son and the move at work, sort of, were like the final nail in my emotional coping coffin.

I feel very supported from work and from my line manager. I found talking to her for too long a struggle and indeed, felt like my head was hurting and in need of complete silence and peace. Thinking about work started to panic me and indeed, made me become stressed and anxious.

I think this has been heading my way for some time but I just haven't seen the signs and indeed, have buried my head in 'just getting on with it', 'being strong', 'partying hard to escape' etc etc..

I've been reseaching the internet about such breakdowns in emotions and found this which I think is maybe what I'm experiencing..

Collapse in social roles: Inability to keep doing day-to-day job and playing your usual part in family/ social life.

Emotional: Constant worrying, anxiety, feeling everything is out of your control and you are trapped.

Why does it happen?
Breakdowns are caused by the interaction of the internal and the external, yet there is always a trigger or catalyst. Breakdowns are often associated with a major life event, such as a bereavement or a broken relationship. Whether such life events cause a breakdown depends upon the individual's ability to cope with the situation. Those who are more vulnerable at the time are therefore more at risk.



Breakthrough
It's not all bad - if you receive the right treatment a breakdown can be turned into a breakthrough. If well managed it can enlighten the person as to what went wrong, and help them to come out the other side as a better person. It can teach you about yourself and your coping strategies and help you deal better with stress and challenging situations in the future.

I found this info interesting, enlightening, could relate to it completely and indeed, that there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel..Time and peace are a great healer..I'm tempted to book a stay away in a cottage in Wales. I love Wales and I think I may return to Harlech..I loved it the last time I was there and if I book now, I can go in school time and get it for a cheaper price. The change of scenery and sea air will be good for me and I know it will refresh me very much. I really hope to do this and I look forward to it, if I do...

Ups and downs and a round and around

Time off work always gives you so much time to think! I'd planned to try and do 'housey' things but then I've not felt up to it, so I've just rested and been lazy..I guess this is realistically what one should do to recouperate and build up energy and enthusiasm again.

I received a phone call from a women's project about counselling..£7.50 for a 50 min session with a trained counsellor. This is brilliant! I'm looking forward to this albeit a little apprehensive about opening up, feeling shit, working trhough things and moving forward..unpeeling the layers of sadness and hurt and indeed coming out better from this experience, HOPEFULLY!

I'm feeling more patient with my kids again and not flying off the handle at any old thing, which means the rest is diefinitely what I need.

I keep thinking about A and what he meant/means to me..why he came into my life, why I let him in so much, why I got so close to him, why I feel let down so much, why why why, all of these whys. I guess when you open your heart to someone, bearing in mind that we'd been in contact since last August, we'd grown to discuss many things and shared many feelings..I guess this is why I'm so sad because to share such feelings, time and energy, when you're pushed away, this just makes you feel worthless and meaningless..
Part of me wonders whether he got scared, felt too out of control and worried where things might lead..I truly don't believe you canshare such intimate moments and not have 'feelings' for a person..this is why I guess I feel he got scared and panicked..maybe. I hope one day we can sit down and talk properly about these things..I need to talk through my feelings with him and maybe find closure with him or maybe try and work through stuff with him..who knows? Maybe I'll never see him again.all sadness really.


I've been enjoying listening to some Mexican Hip Hop - Control Machete - Mucho Barato..excellent cd. My kids think I'm mad, I'm not your usual mother material, that's for sure..I mean..Hip Hop? Do many Mum's at 40 listen to this????? Dear me, I'm a 25 year old stuck in a 40 year old body with the wisdom of a ? who knows what age!

Yoga and Relaxation

Today I went to Yoga again, haven't been for quite some time but it was truly wonderful to go and get some proper relaxtion and headspace. The teacher, is an old favourite, who I've been taught by in the past; Spritual, humourous, women centred, kind, thoughtful and brilliant at what she does. I almost cried as she was talking the session through a meditation because of some words that touched me greatly. I felt a lot better for attending the session and will do again whilst I'm off work.

I know I'm not yet ready for returning to work. My mood changes to sadness quite a lot at the moment and I know this is because of the loss I;m feeling regarding the recent events in my life..I keep reflecting about things, people, love, life etc. I keep thinking about the times shared with A more recently and a sadness overcomes me that you can be so intimate with a person one minute to have it all taken away the next. This I find, really difficult to deal with, especially because my feelings for him had grown so much over the past few months of spending time with him. I almost emailed him yesterday then I thought the better of it..I gather that if there is to be contact, then it will come forth in the future. I guess I'm just still missing the contact, banter, love and fun I felt from him.

I don't have many plans this week but I hope to attend the London carnival and I may try and get to a Women's Charity club night event on Friday. Time and energy will be the deciding factor on that score..small steps to better places and times.

To try and see the lightness...

So, I'm trying my damndest to see the lighter, good things in life and indeed make the good things happen.
I decided to go for a short while to the Highness reggae night tonight. The vibe was good and the music heavy - brill to hear the DJs play Clint Eastwood and General Saint track - Diseases! I love this track and have a copy on 12" vinyl!!!! I chatted to a few people outside, a few guys from Radford, one who was a care worker and who originally came from Jamaica..he said his Mum's name was Sarah too; sweet conversation with sweet, friendly guys. I decided to leave quite early as I felt tired and needed my bed, rest is definitely high on my priority list right now.

I've also received a phone call and a few texts from a one half of the couple I met in Jersey last year, John. These were a lovely couple and I really got on well with both of them. Sadly, J informed me that they've split up and are going their own ways but that he still really wanted to maintain contact with me. I thought this was sweet of him to think about me after such a long time! It was last August when I was in jersey and I've really only had a little bit of contact with them since then. I have been thinking of possibly visiting Jersey again this year and John did mention that if I do visit then I must look him up as he's permanently residing there again. This I may do and it's good to have another friend somewhere else in the world. When I think to the time we all spent together on my holiday, it was great fun. J and his ex girlfriend were most kind, generous, thoughtful and sweet! The sort of people that I want in my life for the future - those who reflect what I am in reality and what I always have been. My friend advised me to write a list of negatives and positives in my life and focus my energy on the positives rather than the negatives - I think this is sound advice and indeed what I am essentially in need of.

I have another 10 days off work before I go the Dr again.. I don't know what the outcome will be but time out is definitely helping me reflect about the past few years and the things that I need to move forward from. A friend suggested that I've reached Burnout with everything and indeed the symptoms I'm describing according to her are that of Burnout. Indeed, I have been working in a very demanding environment for nearly 10 years...giving to the some of the most emotionally troubled people you could wish to meet. This is no easy feat really and is making me think about my career for the future.. I'm off to Yoga on Tuesday, in aid of grounding and relaxation. This will be good for me - It really will.

I've also been invited to the Love Music Hate Racism carnival in London on Sunday by my friend Anna. I think I'll go along to this, it'll do me good to get a change of scene and indeed feel the carnival vibe. I'm missing A very much, I'm trying not to focus on it but I'm no good at this being intimate one minute and then having it all pushed away the next..it hurts and it makes me sad but I can't let it keep holding me back...

Off to bed now and ready for sleep.

To go or not to.....?

So, some friends are possibly going to The Highness reggae night at The Social tonight..Contemplating whether to go or not.It's always a fab night with a pretty great atmosphere, albeit with a few peeps who you can tell that reggae and dub isn't really their thing in which case, I wish they wouldn't bother going!It's a waste of dancing space goddamit! What I love about this night is the positivity and enthusiasm of the DJs and toasters/rappers who put on this night; they all have their own style of toasting/rapping and the speed at which they rap determines how you dance and indeed adds even more to the music already.

Today I've been revisting my reggae roots consisting of Gregory Isaacs, Clint Eastwood and General Saint - my, these guys were singing about such poignant issues that are still so relevant today! early (1979) UB40 - Signing Off album which is a true classic, Scientist..always loved Scientist from being a 13 year old!

So maybe the reggae experience will do me good..although my head is tired, I may go along, take it easy on the alchy front and just have a good old dance..It would be nice if one day soon I could see A, to talk about things with him - my feelings, emotions etc but I guess time is a good thing. I guess I'll take it all easy and make sure the night is also not a late one if I do decide to go - I NEED my sleep more than anything at the mo, I really do.

Friday's thoughts

I visited a friend today and chilled out a little. After a while though, I decided I needed to come home - I was tired and wasn't able to think and discuss for too long as it was making me tired and heavy headed..

I've been thinking loads about A and I'm missing him terribly but I have to move forward from this..he's made his decisions and that's that. It doesn't lighten the load any but I do need to get real and stop dwelling..I guess for me, when I meet someone and share deep intimacy and thoughts, I find it hard to just chuck it away into nothingness..I guess this means I need a lot of time alone now to gather my thoughts and myself again. Have a good weekend..

London here I come...

The rest that I am having at the moment, is helping me and indeed giving me time to reflect about many things. Some friends came over last night and we had a take away and some wine. I've got an invite to a friend's tonight. I've also been asked if I'd like to go to the Love Music Hate Racism Carnival in London a week on Sunday, to which I will definitely be going to and it should be great fun. Two of my favourite Dubstep artists are playing alongwith some favourite reggae artists and many other musicians that I like;Should be a refreshing break to leave Nottingham and sample London again for a day! Hooray!

I may head off walking tomorrow but if not, time will tell what I decide to do..One thing's for sure, all small steps, day by day and no pressure on myself, or indeed by others putting pressure on me.

I've been thinking about A and cometo the conclusion that I think he's been really unfair to judge me on one drunken episode. I could've got really angry about how he's let me down on quite a few occasions but I still accepted him for who he was and didn't judge him for this..I guess the moral of that story is..he's in no way on the same level of me regarding forgiveness and understanding..

Here's to a good restful weekend...

General Debility

It's official, I've been signed off work with the above diagnosis. All of this week and last week, I have been consumed with sadness and lethargy. I cried at the Drs and in front of my manager, both were very sweet and understanding. I am in no fit state to be motivating people with numerous emotional and behavioural problems..I am burnt out and in need of respite and reflection and indeed of rebuilding myself.
I think the phone call from A really upset me too on Monday A.M. He explained his reasons for being peed off with me and I explained my side of things. I also have had a lot of stress with my eldest son this week and in fact, since he came back from his Fathers. I also think all of the madness over the past few years has hit me like an avalanche, crushing me out of nowhere! Meaning, I need time out for serious reflection and contemplation.
I'm missing A very much and missing the times and chats that we've shared together. I guess I'm sick of feeling loss and losing out..I know he needs to work on himself and I guess I do on some level. Whether we are friends again in the future remains to be seen..it's sad really.

I've decided to go and see someone to talk to, to try and move forward in my life to better and healthier pastures. This is all a good thing in my opinion and is indeed making me look at my life, decisions I've made etc etc, Hopefully, I'll come out feeling able to take on the world again..

Friends have been great; One friend's invited me to a carnival in London next week, another has invited me to hers and maybe to dance somewhere on Saturday..I'm going to seerious take time out and really work out what needs to be changed for the future..I'm still here and in one piece so that's all good!

Strangeness

After a good break in Edale, I've had time to reflect about stuff. A texted me and without going into detail, we won't be seeing each other again from the sounds of it. I'm sad about this because we get on well, I've had a real good laugh and much fun with him, I like him so much and I know I'm going to miss and grieve him. I'm going to miss not talking, loving and laughing with him.
We had planned to do quite a few things together but I guess because I'm such a 'full on person', some people find this, too much.
That's me though and if I ever meet another man who shows interest, I'm giving him a rundown of things about me, so that he can make his mind up about me rather than me wasting my energy and time getting to know someone and then having it kicked back in my face, which is how I feel about A in some respects. I guess this sounds like bollocks really but there we have it!
Gosh, all of these life's tests that are thrown at us beat me at times!

I went to a gig last night, Mad Professor heavy dub. It was good and heavy. I bumped into B who wanted to apologise about previous stuff. I was pissed and in a feisty mood so sort of dismissed him in a sense. I know he was trying to be sweet and the like and was sweet of him to apologise but my state of mind was in another place..under different circumstances, I'd have been a sweeter. I just didn't want to get heavily emotional last night due to other stuff. Maybe sometime we'll be able to sit down and talk about it together in an adult way.

A turned up and then went..he didn't want to talk to me which is sad and felt horrible for me. I tried to talk to him but he was having none of it..I guess the time is now one of knuckling down and getting on with stuff and stop letting my energies being sucked away..I just wish he'd explain a few things to me and let me discuss my point. I know I can be hard work on some levels and I feel that I pissed A off last week but things like this should be discussed, thus having a clearer mind. This is what I feel sad about aswell that I've not been able to discuss stuff with A. Ho Hum.


Time out for me and time out for serious reflection...Life goddamit, does my head in at times but then I have to think about what parts I'm playing in life and how this needs to be changed..all a sad learning experience I guess..

Personal Revolution

So, I go out and get wasted. Again. I drink, drink, drink, piss A off cos of something that I have no recollection about. Feel shit in the morning cos of my feisty temper. Feel pissed off cos I can't do this 'casual' thing very well. Pissed off cos now I won't be out tonight as I'm too hungover, fucked off and feeling like shit.

What's it all about people? Do I need a personal revolution?

Should I join a Buddhist sect or summat and give up on all hedonism for good? Should I become celibate? Should I just go back to bed and forget about stuff?

Fuck knows but I'm ready to head out to the countryside for a fresh perspective on all things..will do me the world of good for sure..

Funnily enough, today also has a certain past reminiscing about it if I think back in time...dear me, I remember it as being classed as 'the first day of spring' all that time ago..

Back to bed I go

The Power of a Smile

Although at first I felt sad about this weekend and the possibility of not seeing A, I realise that at these times, it tests how much you feel for a person and how selfless at times, you have be and indeed, understanding.

Today, I've been listening to Natural Born Killers Soundtrack which is indeed, a class CD! Class tracks on this CD!

Whilst listening to some of the lyrics to Sweet Jane by The Cowboy Junkies, it reminded me why I fell for A on that first night I met him. I smiled at him and he smiled back and thus when he smiled, a whole world of light and loveliness opened up from his hard exterior, which totally touched me and made me realise the power of a smile! These lyrics remind me of that moment and indeed the times when he softens and smiles...

'Heavenly wild roses,
Seem to whisper to me
When you smile'

I'm going to miss not seeing him this weekend but I need to let him be, and indeed face no pressure as he has enough to contend with this weekend and I will just carry on with what I need to do in the meantime; enjoy my friends, music, dancing and the like...
Have a good weekend people

Wonderment about the weekend ahead..

So tomorrow I'm out for a curry with a load of women friends which should be nice. I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing Saturday.
I had a 2 hour chat with A again last night which was sweet. A, although DJing at a charity event, is bogged down with dissertation writing and although we'd loosely planned to meet up, it seems the best for him is if he goes back home to his parents and focusses on completing the work he needs to complete, as it has to be handed in by Monday..
I was looking forward to spending time with him but I also understand that his degree is more important right now and so I need to take a back step and let him do what he needs to do and ensure he focusses on this.
So, I have a few options; Cyber Goth night or Boogaloo night. My friends are heading to the Cyber Goth night and a few people I know are heading to Boogaloo, so I guess it makes sense to head to where my friends are going, plus it's industrial techno which I enjoy greatly!
This week has been a struggle emotionally. Lots of thoughts and sadness have surfaced and I've needed complete detachment from the world around me..it's been quite a toughie cos I've been so sad but I know this is all part of my healing..I've experienced so much loss when I think about it, it's no wonder I feel like I'm still grieving at times. I also think meeting A and being so intimate with him, has been opening up a lot of emotion for me and indeed, taking my mind to places that are only visited when you meet someone who you start to like greatly, indeed a range of emotions that spiral all out of control at times, hence the need to keep grounded, calm and real.

Tomorrow, I'm heading for a well needed swim and sauna, this will calm and relax me and hopefully ground me on some level. Next week I have a week off work whereby I'm having my hair done, massage, walking and whatever else that may come into play. A said he might come walking with me but again, work could get in the way for him..but it will be good for me to get some fresh air and be out there with nature again, even if it means I'm all by myself..these times are good for the soul..

Virgoan Child of Loveliness

Beautiful Virgoan Child,
Bright, fearless, wild,
Untamed, desiring, free,
Playful, erotic, silly.
Bright smile, amongst the sadness,
Coping, despite accidental badness.
My Universe becomes lighter,
The energy becomes brighter,
Awake?
My body quakes -
Thoughts of you,
Remain with me, true,
My sweet, dear playmate,
Don't shut the gate -
And leave me wide open,
Play with me into the distance,
Forget past circumstance.
Last with me, let's have that chance
Into the night, repeat the dance!

And all because the lady loves impulsive decisions..

So, my weekend didn't go as planned; A had a lot of work to do and didn't feel well so I went out with a few mates on Friday and got drunk, danced, got stoned, ate a kebab, cried and got a taxi home - all the sort of night that Sara tends to find herself in when she's necked too much booze!

Yesterday I had a 3 hour chat with A about many things, it was good to chat with him and share thougts and feelings. I also was a v lazy bugger; laid in bed and listened to music, read the paper and enjoyed an article about open spaces becoming more and more privatised - for more info check out the Open Space Society (think it's called) ate chocolate, daydreamed and intended on getting an early night! Lo and behold, 10.30pm, A called and asked if he could come over to which I was more than happy about and was wonderful to see him when he finally arrived.
He turned up about 11.40pm, was lovely to see him; we chatted, drank, listened to music, I read him a few funny parts from The Karma Sutra book, which made us both laugh out loud and basically had a v sweet time together again. Today we woke up at 11ish and didn't get our shit together until well after 2pm! Dear me, these sort of weekends are great fun, very sweet, touching and intimate; sometimes it's like A and me are coming from the same place and helping each other through certain things which is surely a good thing.

I'm not looking forward to work this week and I'm definitely ready for a hol next week - I'm hoping to take myself off somewhere inspiring and peaceful, prob the Peak District for some walking and drinking action. Would be nice to do this with a mate or indeed A, but we'll see what happens on that score.

Next week, I have a girly curry night to attend and then a charity event that A is DJing at..should be cool and good to hear some live music and a mix of different sounds for sure..

Time tonight to ground myself and get into work mode, after all of last night's antics!

Comfort?

Peel back the layers
Of what was once before,
Tear away the damage,
The aching, wide open sore.
Thrust into the chest,
Aching pounding fist.
Long journey of birth -
Causing severe unrest.
Mind racing ahead,
Through space; moments, time,
Curl up into a ball,
Mutter nothing, a mime..
Scream internally loud,
Grey and darkened cloud.
Shout into nothingness,
A cold and empty shroud.
Comfort nowhere around -
Deafened by silence, no sound,
Damage beyond belief,
Burdening the thornladen crown..
Seeping into the skin,
Drip and pour begins..

In Need of Change

I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with my job at the mo..long story but safety, lone working, juggling all balls at home is started to take its wear and tear on me. Sometimes, I wish I could kick back and let someone else take control..this is where I've failed miserably regarding relationships - I've always mainly been the one who's been worrying about finances and the like.

Last night I felt happy; I spoke to A and we discussed the possibility of going to a 'Bizarre' event in Birmingham, maybe stay in a hotel and then visit the event the following day. Whether this materialises, remains to be seen..I'm sorta trusting it and I hope it does but I have so many insecurities wracking my head at times, that I get all overwhelmed by them and feel as though I need to 'run' in my head cos I'm scared of letting go, spreading too much love and then becoming hurt..sounds depressing and heavy but believe me, I'm trying to work through it and I guess this is why A rang aswell partly - he was concerned about my sadness the other night..and of course he couldn'#t text me back as he had no credit. was at his parents and wanted to return courtesy.

Anyway, enough of that, I know I have an enormous heart and I guess what I'm saying is that I want to make sure the right person/people feel my love, so large is it at times that it scares me how much I do 'give' to people..

This weekend? I'm not sure for deffo what the plans are, I've invited A over again, I know he has loads of uni work and I don't want to distract him away from it but it would be nice to spend time with him again. He seemed keen though when we spoke and I hope he still is! I've been invited to a drum and bass event which if things go pear shaped, I may go to...but I'd prefer to be at home as this is my final weekend with a free reign of the house and last weekend was a true delight!

Heavenly Holiday

Easter weekend? Never been a big celebrater of all things Easter and the like and this year my youngest son went to stay with his Dad whilst my eldest son is on holiday visiting his father in Denmark.

I invited A over on Friday for a meal and Friday lasted right through til Monday! I couldn't wait to see him on Friday, we stayed up until 6am and finally crashed until 3pm the next day..the meal didn't get eaten on Friday so we ate it on Saturday instead whilst chilling to some TV. Again, we stayed up until 4am Sunday and woke around 4pm..dear me! I was invited to an Enchanted Garden Party on Sunday night and invited A, however, he ummed and ahhed about going back home to get on with his uni work but by the time we'd got ourselves sorted, it was 10pm and A decided to stay here and chill whilst I went to the party! I got home around 2ish and we had our own private party whereby, we danced, drank, laughed and I cried about my insecurities and trust issues..

Again, we crashed about 4am! I'm tired today but I realise that A is touching me deeply..We've shared so much intimacy and feelings about different things this weekend that I feel like we have an understanding. I told him that he can always trust me and that he really should never believe he can't..
I really don't know where any of this is going to go and I really don't want him to move away from Nottingham if he gets a job elsewhere but I understand that he has to follow the path that best benefits him and his future...however, I also feel that I'd like to be involved in his future on some level..I think I'm falling for this man, I really think I am.

Hectic week, hectic head

This week has been hectic to say the least. Workwise, I again, have been asked to work in 2 new places and take over a previous tutor's sessions. That means, 4 classes where I'm picking up what a fellow tutor has left behind..this is no easy feat and has, to be frankly honest, pissed me off a little. I like the places, they are in the Radford area of Nottingham, so very easy for me to get to but to piuck up on many subjects that another has left behind, is HARD WORK! I have been given no debriefing, no info about who's doing what, no learning support on 2 of the days meaning I'm lone teaching with 6 learners, 5 male and 1 female, in a small room with no panic alarm! Not good.

So I guess this weekend is going to be a hedonistic one to alleviate the stresses! I actually think it's time I delve into looking for something new to do, that or go down to 3 days working. It's hard to be a single parent; teach disaffected youths, keep a home running, maintain financial stability, nurtue and be there as much as possible for my own kids..Not an easy juggling act..and if they expect me to carry 3 laptops on public transport through the inner city of Nottingham, then I'm going off work with stress..my safety is a damned sight more important and I REFUSE to carry more than one laptop through such an area. We'll see what the outcome is!

Here's to an intersting weekend..Spend time with A, Go to a party and take up an other offers that are thrown my way!

Happy Easter People and I will remain POSITIVE :-)

The need to peel back the years of hurt

I've recently been feeling quite a lot of emotions due to spending time with A.. I'm starting to realise that I have massive issues about rejection and vulnerability. I read a little extract from a book to him recently, about a woman who has an affair with a younger man because the woman was starved of affection from her partner. I told A that her situation was a little similar to mine with my son's Dad, although when I met B my relationship was pretty much over and we were living seperate lives. B was given so much affection back then.. I guess this is why I became so very sad when I felt a continual rejection from him but also, this rejection tapped into the rejection I'd endured from my son's Dad; not an easy feat, it has to be said.

I guess I'm trying to unpeel all the layers of rejection and hurt over the past 11years or so..I guess the road to recovery is a very long and winding one with many stops and accidents happening along the way..Sometimes, I wonder about some sort of group I could attend to address these issues or even a counselling session, Sometimes I think, just keep reading and practising Buddhist thoughts. Sometimes I get so confused and overwhelmed, I don't know what to think. Sometimes I question so many things that I go down a long spiral..I guess too, I have to be careful about A because he's hoping to move to London to find work once he's finished his degree, which will be wonderful for him but again, I guess I'll lose out on some level. I guess the real challenge for me is, putting my energies into a place where there won't be further hurt or rejction.


I guess I just have to go with the flow and let the rivers take me to where I truly belong in this world and eventually peace will surface - I guess this acts as a kind of faith and meaning to me right now..

Too old for this

So today, I'm feeling a little confused about quite a few things..my head feels a little full and not quite sure where it wants to go..I think I need to follow the words and a poem of Derek Walcott.
I think it's time for me to knuckle down and love and forgive myself more than anyone else in the whole wide world (apart from my kids of course). I wish that angel who visited me, a month or so ago in my dreams/reality, would reappear..I know he won't because when you wish for somthing to happen, it never happens but when you remain static, it comes to you..


I'm red faced because I've drank a few glasses of red wine and I'm feeling all wind swept after my cycle there and back to the city..I will have an early night and I hope I wake up feeling a little more clearer...

Under the Rug

This poem has been inpsired by last weekend, at one point, I felt like I was in a far off country, under a Bedouin Tent or some such..sounds intriguing but was a moment that will last in my memory, for sure... I am an incurable dreamer and lover of bliss, that's for sure!

Bedouin friend,
I want no end,
Under the wool stars,
Healing respective scars,
Heat without sun,
Energy from fun..
Darkness but light,
Heavenly night..
Wool set on fire,
Open the heart; clear the mire..
Covering speech,
Spanking peach -
Finger dexterity,
Trusting;sincerity.
Life force in his hands,
Trust in him - give that chance..
Thin veil of life and death,
Breath held in his palms..
Slowing down to calm..

Me? Dear Me?

My ex of 11 years used to call me 'incourageable'. I tempted him to do things and had a life and soul element about me. He was, according to the Chinese Horoscopes a 'wood Dragon', whereas me? I am a Fire Sheep - Totally burnt the wood I guess;
I guess I was too hot to handle at times. Sometimes I think to myself that it's gonna take a 'special sort of guy' to understand, relate, love, trust, accept, nurture and take me for who I am..

I don't want to be criticised for being a woman for the the following things..

Don't always have silky smooth shaven legs
Nail Varnish a tad scratched
Too drunk
Not respected cos I have two kids by 2 different fathers
Not respected because my long term relationships with men have failed
Making assumptions about who I am
Perceiving me as being 'unworthy'
Not going to beauticians, nail bars and all of that bullshit that so many sad women buy into


I do feel that there is still BIG issues with the sexes and maybe this means, an element of misogyny will evermore exist amongst men..

Happiness is.....

- Two compatible earth signs together, who seeminly have met their passionate match..Virgo and Virgo? What a match!

- Receiving that lovely phone call from A and him coming to meet me at the station.

- Going to see A, him cooking a massive, gorgeous dinner at 12am and then staying with him until 1pm the next day...so random yet so ;

- Allowing A to read my recent poems about him and moments shared with him..

- Cycling back from his, all the way down cycle lanes, even though the wind was so strong, I felt free, positive, blissful and sparklingly happy.

- Meeting friends last night and heading to a fab party.

- Bumping into some old friends at party and having a real lovely chat and dance.

- Friend puking all over herself, OK it doesn't make me happy but it's funny to laugh about after.

- Losing my coat...this I ain't happy about!

- A calling and me going over in the middle of the night and having a delightful time..

Wow, what a weekend, what happiness, bliss and sunshine has moved into my world!

To bring a ray of sunshine to those incarcerated

Today in my hostel teaching environment, I was called a 'Ray of Sunshine'. This touched me greatly and especially when the person who said it, is an ex offender who is likely to be 'on licence' all of his life. I have faith that criminals can rehabiliate, I see positiveness from some of the men that I teach, I see a light switch on and a hope in their heart. Some of these men have committed attrocious crimes against others' but they are also often a product of what their own life has been. I'm not excusing behaviour here and I am very aware that there are people who are extremely manipulative BUT, to receive such a sweet comment from this student, reminded me that after all, this person is a human being with feelings..hence I never believe that the death penalty is a good thing..

Tomorrow, I plan to visit A. I look so forward to seeing him and his lovely smile and self.. I may well cycle over there or maybe take the train and cycle the rest of the way to where he lives..I had a lovely chat with him last night and feel easy and light about everything with him.. Here's to sharing a sweet night with him again.

Thoughts and reflections...

Three years ago tomorrow, was the changing day of my life, in many ways, in that, I went to meet the person called B.I met him in a bar, we went back to his, I spent sweet time with him and the following Saturday too, to then have it all thrown back in my face..I was truly gutted about this, it has to be said. I spent 3 years thinking about him, I always will have a place in my heart for him and I guess him meeting someone new last summer, started to confirm to me, that he never really wanted anything major with me and indeed, couldn't have held the depth of love that I thought he may've held.....
It's been good for me to meet and spend time with A; we are very different sort of people and yet really similar and complimentary aswell in the things we like..for example, he's a big reggae fan and DJ - a reformed Gangsta Rap worshipper to a peace loving man, funnily enough, reggae was one of my loves way back in my teen years so we have a lot of crossover here with regards to this. The friendship is very different and yet, i feel we compliment each other, he's very masculine and yet a little boy underneath it all too, at the same time..to which he does admit and indeed, isn't really proud of but does acknowledge this about himself.. He's VERY cheeky to me and yet has such a genuineness about himself, that I realise he's a truly sweet person.
He's extremely upfront but not about his own feelings where I'm concerned and shrouds his feelings in sarcasm - the other day for example, I go to see him and he says that he didn't put on his nice shirt for me...I laughed out loud..he looked at me in a way that spoke volumes! I can be myself with him regarding feelings and tactileness, which for me is massive and speaks volumes that I can be as such cos I am a really tactile person.

I like A a lot, I like his sensitivity, his brashness, masculinity, all of those things that let us be attracted to another person... I like the fact that he's turning his life around and yet admits defeat at times. I'm off to see him again this weekend and off to a party aswell, all should be good and maybe, just maybe, A has been sent to me to lighten the load and remind me that there is fun to be had out there and indeed, let me realise and rediscover again my feminine, wild and sensual self...
He called me both a Psycho and a Genius! He knows me so well!!!!!

Deja Vu

What is Deja Vu really about? I've had quite a few Deja Vu moments in life, the first one I specifically remember, was when I was about 10 years old and I was sleeping over at my friend's and had the feeling as we all sat and ate dinner, it freaked me out cos I'd never experienced it before. I've had random ones since then but the most recent one, felt really strong and real! I was lying down on A's bed just as the dawn was rising on Sunday morning, stroking his hair and plaiting it, when all of a sudden, I got a strange rush of 'Deja Vu'..I felt I'd been in this situation and moment before with him, weirdness. I told him about it and apparently, he gets Deja Vu a fair bit too..

So, I decided to do a little research about it and here's what I uncovered..

Déjà vu (pronounced /ˈdeɪʒɑː ˈvuː/ (help·info); French /deʒa vy/ (help·info) "already seen"; also called paramnesia, from Greek παρα para, "near" + μνήμη mnēmē, "memory") is the experience of feeling sure that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an event has already happened or has repeated itself). The term was coined by a French psychic researcher, Émile Boirac (1851–1917) in his book L'Avenir des sciences psychiques (The Future of Psychic Sciences), which expanded upon an essay he wrote while an undergraduate. The experience of déjà vu is usually accompanied by a compelling sense of familiarity, and also a sense of "eeriness", "strangeness", or "weirdness". The "previous" experience is most frequently attributed to a dream, although in some cases there is a firm sense that the experience "genuinely happened" in the past.

The experience of déjà vu seems to be very common; in formal studies 70% of people report having experienced it at least once. References to the experience of déjà vu are also found in literature of the past, indicating it is not a new phenomenon. It has been extremely difficult to invoke the déjà vu experience in laboratory settings, therefore making it a subject of few empirical studies. Recently, researchers have found ways to recreate this sensation using hypnosis

Dreams
Some believe déjà vu is the memory of dreams. Though the majority of dreams are never remembered, a dreaming person can display activity in the areas of the brain that process long-term memory. It has been speculated that dreams read directly into long-term memory, bypassing short-term memory entirely. In this case, déjà vu might be a memory of a forgotten dream with elements in common with the current waking experience. This may be similar to another phenomenon known as déjà rêvé, or "already dreamed."

Not only is the link to dreams as they pertain to déjà vu the subject of scientific and psychological studies, it is also a subject of spiritual texts, as is found, for example, in the writings of the Bahá'í Faith with quotes like "... perchance when ten years are gone, thou wilt witness in the outer world the very things thou hast dreamed tonight."[12] and "Behold how the thing which thou hast seen in thy dream is, after a considerable lapse of time, fully realized."[13]

Some people have suggested that a feeling of remembering occurs in a sense that a person might realize that what he had dreamt is now a relevant present action that is taking place right here right now. It seems highly unlikely that a person's dream has manifested itself into reality before the present action

"I was once sitting down in the kitchen noticing that my plate seemed well too familiar, it seemed as if my head motions were foreseen, and that every move would trigger a continuation to happen or so, i had many déjà vu's as a child but this was extraordinary,i knew from the bottom of my heart that i had dreamed this situation years ago, as a little boy, that amazingly an entire piece of memory was regained and i finally understood when and where i was dreaming and how long this dream was, and most importantly how many years ago did i dream."

Parallel Universes
Scientists working on Quantum Physics have proposed the existence of Parallel Universes, which leads some to believe that déjà vu is a result of overlapping events in two or more parallel universes due to a disruption in the fabric of spacetime or when one may experience an event which has already occurred to his/her counterpart in another universe.

Reincarnation
Those believing in reincarnation theorize that déjà vu is caused by fragments of past-life memories being jarred to the surface of the mind by familiar surroundings or people. Others theorize that the phenomenon is caused by astral projection, or out-of-body experiences (OBEs), where it is possible that individuals have visited places while in their astral bodies during sleep. The sensation may also be interpreted as connected to the fulfillment of a condition as seen or felt in a premonition. For further cases of remembering information from past lives, see Ian Stevenson.

Feeling of Light and happiness..

Maybe my angel dream was more poignant than I imagined? Recently, I've started to feel more happier than I've felt in quite a while. I guess being relaxed about everything, having sweet times with friends and indeed A, are making my life feel good and positive. Happiness has to come from within too, it's true but I think and indeed I know I am an essentially happy, positive person..

I know I'm falling for A, I don't know if this is a good idea or not but I feel that I should just enjoy the moments when I do see him and not get all caught up in any imagined detail..I have issues around trust and I sorta know that makes two of us, in all reality, but the crying episode and his comforting me last week, has touched me on a really deep level.

Anyway, I've wrote a little poem recently poem and I really like the contrast in this poem.. it makes complete sense to me but it may seem obscure to the reader..you had to be in the moment to understand what it means maybe?

Urban Clouds

Under the soft whiteness,
A heaven, amongst the hell.
White fluffy clouds of lovingness,
Float, rest and swell..
Bury the burning skin -
With clouds of cotton white,
Peaceful, serene, welcoming -
Restful urban delight -
Inner city dream;
Calm, clear, meditative,
Far from urban screams,
Warm, muffled sedative,
Dreamstate place - hypnotic..
Transcends place and time..
Beauty in simplicity..
Inner city clouds..

Whirl of a Weekend...

A heavy last three days has been had by Rantingsara, not heavy in the hippy sense but heavy in the 'full on and fun' sense. I visited A which was good, good fun and I was introduced to one if his friends who was a sweetheart, seemed a proper genuine sort of guy. We all had a good laugh, A cooked for us, as we pressured him to and he did used to be a Chef..He managed to throw together a real nice pasta sauce with pasta, pretty impressive to say his cupboard was almost bare! We had a good chat about many things and as I suspected, A has a VERY, let's call it a 'colourful' past to the say least! BUT depsite this, I feel he has a good heart and reflects a lot about things he/I says.. Had a seriously weird Deja Vu moment with him, God knows what that was all about but it freaked me a little!
My best friend from school got married for the second time to a spanish guy, who she met 5 years ago when her first marriage was breaking down..the road to their love hasn't been an easy one but their love for each other is so strong, that it proves to me that things can come true and indeed work out, if both parties are truly 'in love' dedicated and prepared to accept the rough with the smooth. The ceremony was emotional for me and indeed touched me greatly, it was also fairly 'High Churchy' due to R being a Catholic - Bread and wine and all of that malarchy..

R, her new husband, is a one in a million kind of guy, with masses of warmth, kindness, compassion, spirituality and love - quite a unique man in all honesty.. they're also expecting their child in June even though she already has two kids from her previous marriage and is 40., I their life has truly begun!


So, this weekend has been hectic and a whirl, I became emotional on A the other day, tears flowed and the like, long story but the comfort I felt from him really warmed my heart..to say he has such a 'colourful' past and hard exterior, he has an inner beauty of such ability to show a real, soft and genuine caring core, this touched me greatly, in all reality. Deary me..I feel grounded and calm about A and indeed, feel like I'm getting to know him more and more, as each hour that I see him, passes..

Wednesday Thoughts...

Today, I woke up full of cold! So, I spent the day in bed...I read yesterday about Union Busters..these guys are nasty shits and need bombing off the planet - basically, hired by employers to work against staff joining a union! Crapness! Companies who've used these services according to the article were -
Amazon
Honeywell
Virgin Atlantic
T Mobile

I got really scared last night when the Earth tremor happened..5.4 on the scale and it has to be said, I panicked even mroeso because I'm all alone now so felt scared cos I had no-one to share my fear with! Dear me, it put a few things into perspective that's for sure!

Today I had random texting back and forth with A, I'm planning to go and see him at this week, all being well. He was at Uni working again and I guess again, he did his Reggae radio show last night.He played one of shows back to me last week and it sounded cool although he reckons only a few peeps prob listen in...I'm finding it quite hard to 'trust' certain aspects on some levels, I won't go into detail but I realise I need a rebirth in my thoughts and I need to take things day by day and just enjoy moments and try to stay free from analysing things and seeing the worst in scenarios, mistrusting and the like..dear me..

I sent the book back to B with a sweet card with best wishes greetings. I had a very small chat with him on Sunday due to his sending me an email, but he was busy and didn't want to talk about stuff that's happening for him, which is indeed, fair enough. I think he needs proper time to sort his head out about so much stuff that has happened over the past few years and thus, I feel, he's vulnerable at the moment.

I have a friend's wedding to attend this weekend...I'm looking forward to it but hope this cold lifts.. I'm not looking forward to a visit to the hospital next week..I'm finally being good to my body and getting a general women's health check and other stuff checked out, which I meant to do ages ago and never did, so this will let me know whether I'm OK or whether I'm not...Fingers crossed all will be good!!!

Little Girl Lost

Where has she been?
The angelic being?
What happened?
To the girl,
Now the woman?
Who painted -
Blues, whites, turquoises?
Became tainted -
By emptiness -
The glass cracked..
Head became full -
Heavy and dull.
Head bowed,
Full of grey cloud..
The heart heavy -
Weighted by black lead.
Unleash -
Rebirth of she,
Open and free,
Far and wide -
The next stride.....

Wake Up Call

Woke up at 7.30am via text by A, inviting me over today, sarcastic banter between the texts but funny aswell! But, I've already planned to see mates tonight, however I said that I could spend tomorrow with him..so I plan to cycle over to his, which is a good thing cos there's cycle lanes all the way to where he is although I was rather worried about leaving my bike outside as he lives in a renowned dodgy area but has a nice flat, it has to be said. I can leave my bike inside so that's all good! I guess I'll take the day as it comes..maybe take some wine over and go with the flow..Gosh..

He also shocked me today cos he's been up all night at uni doing some work towards his final dissertation, however he manages to stay awake all night, totally beats me!!
Today? Shopping for some outfit for my friend's wedding next week, swim, sauna and then meet mates and all being well, off to Moog for some techno and may even ring A and pay him an early morning visit!

Hoorah for the weekend...

The Miracles of Life

I received the book 'Miracles of Life' by JG Ballard yesterday. I've been engrossed ever since. Such a good writer is he, such a compassionate baing, such an imaginative and all seeing writer. His ability to see beyond the mainstream, the 'perceived normality' and indeed, conformity. I will jot down a few quotes at some point from his bok that have really struck a chord with me..

Today, I sat on the tram reading and a guy sat next to me, weirdly I could feel an odd sort of enegy resonating from him..nothing threatening or horrible, but rather a warmth and friendliness but he also seemed so timid and at one point knocked my book as he pressed the bell to get off at the next stop..he looked at me with such a sense of regret and indeed timidity, I was touched by this but also humbled..I smiled and acknowledged through my body language that is was really quite alright and there was nothing to worry about. It's weird and indeed so positive that in life, we have these little moments of insight and indeed, inner warmth.

Ballard discusses the human condition so well in his autobiograhy and indeed the flaws that we are all able to hold.

Today I'm also thinking about trust, instinct, fear of getting close, insecurity, feeling a big sense of regret about letting A down - BUT, I have to remember that he has let me down on more than one occasion and I guess if we are to remain friends, then this let downs HAVE to stop. Not quite sure what all the other thoughts are all about but I'm working slowly through them..I wrote this quick non sensical poem to try and deal with a few things..


Wrap the cover around me tight,
Push away and deny - fight,
Non believing sincerity,
Shadow remains
Other's insincerity.
Who, what, why?
To believe?
The mind's a maze,
Pushing back and forth,
Unsure.
Self protection will suffice,
Block thoughts again, twice.
Return will occur,
Happiness I hope to incur...
Worthy? Who me?

Delayed reaction..
Non believing satisfaction.
Tender soul
Not wanting to hurt,
Torn childhood,
A gaping big hole..
He knows when the time's right
To open his heart,
To tell the hurt,
But for now he needs safety,
And only when we feel trust,
Talk to me, if he feels he must..
Understand I truly will,
Ready for him to cast away - the bitter pill.
Of what went before..

Have a good weekend, I want to see A but I feel shy to ask..Arghhh. No more analysing Sara, just get on with life and the rest will follow...sort of like a shadow, if you chase it - you never catch it but if you stand still, it comes to you..

I think I'm falling, not my intention but I think I am...

So, I've been thinking about Saturday night and indeed the events over last Friday and Saturday. Gangstaman, who I will now call A, as you know, invited for me to dinner.. I feel sort of bad that I had to change plans because of my friend's stuff and I feel a little like I've let him down, this I really didn't want to do..BUT he's let me down a little in the past and I guess I thought he may've done it again, in the back of my mind...However, I do remember a conversation we had about letting each other down and that he was sorry and could we stop..

All of these thoughts I'm having, are making me realise that I think I'm falling for him quite a bit. I've tried to resist this cos I'm quite fearful of falling for someone again but I honestly think I am..deary me. I've been replaying conversations that we had on Saturday, I've been thinking of my embarrassing pissedup behaviour - can't belive I was so rauccously loud and silly. Can't believe I said to him that

'i bet someone bought you that rose that you're giving to me and you're just trying to sweeten me up by giving it to me'

How bad is that?????? This truly shows my issues around trust and the like, not happy about this.. What a sweet sentiment to buy a flower for someone when they've been invited for dinner. I feel ashamed, truly ashamed.

I feel that it's only right to make an apology to A and explain a few things..I hope he understands..

Dear me, I'm falling, I know it, I'm remebering how sweet and lovely he looked lying with his hood up, all cosy in bed and with his unshaven face..dear me...CALM DOWN SARA, I need to ensure that I keep it all real for sure...Then again, I've known him now for a good 7 months, whereby the contact has been random but becoming more and more frequent..Hmmm. We'll see, we'll see...

Random mentalness

So, I was invited to my friend Gangstaman's, for a meal that he was going to cook last night. I haven't seen him for ages but we speak most weeks and have long, deep conversations about many things..he seems to be opening up in many ways and indeed showing a sense of trust, which for him, I feel is difficult..it's sort of nice to get to know him slowly, I like this fact.
Anyway, the meal? Other stuff cropped up in the form of a mate needing some support so I agreed to meet up with her. In the end, we ended up going into the city, pub crawling up towards Radford and then ending up at a club night that I really enjoyed. Gangstaman said to ring him if I were in the city, so I did!

Ended up paying him a visit in my inebriated state and what a lovely visit it was too! He makes me laugh and he's a tender-hearted soul, under the hard exterior. I'm glad I saw him. The more I see him, the more irresistible I'm finding him!
He gave me a flower for Valentine's Day, which I thought was rather sweet but repsonded with a ridiculous comment, I guess I too, am having difficulties with trust issues, sadly, I forgot to bring the flower home with me....Hmmph.. He's invited me to a night he's involved with and indeed DJing at, in April, at The Maze. To go or not to go? That is the question.
So, as I sat amongst the freezing frost, being driven back home this morning, Nottingham Embankment and the Meadows, had a rather rosy beautiful feel to the air and the scenery..I should've suggested a walk with Gangstaman before I departed, that would've been truly delightful..

Alcohol Ruination

Oh fuckinada, again, I have a HORRIBLE hangover. I went for a GORGEOUS curry last night at Shabab Nan Kebab, a wicked curry house in Radford, Nottingham where you can take your own wine, and take it we did! The whole meal came to £10 each for a main meal, popadoms and nans. CHEAP or what? Good tasty food too and the staff were absolutely wonderful.
BUT I HATE having hangovers, it ruins my day so much. I'd planned to -
Swim
Decorate
Buy in some food for next week.
I only think I'll only realistically manage to swim and buy food now. What a fucking waste of a Saturday and a gorgeous one at that.

I didn't receive any Valentine's cards again, oh well, I guess noone loves me right now...OK so Valentine's is commercial bullshit but I'm afraid I'm still a romantic at heart and like such trivialities. My kids thought I'd sent them their cards, I said I hadn't, I lied to them and said I didn't write like the writing in the cards, whether they believe me remains to be seen...but still, it's nice for them to think they may have a secret admirer!

I'm missing Beloved, I'm missing having no contact and I wish I knew how he was doing. I really hope things are OK for him and hope he's over the initial shock of his stuff from a few weeks back.. Everyday he still enters my thoughts and I think he always will, it's just a shame that so many things change and so many timings are so wrong. Maybe I was just alone in my thoughts all of the times of knowing him but I truly believe instinctively that I wasn't. Who knows, maybe the mind and heart plays more tricks on us than we care to believe...

Memory Fluid

Memories, like water -
Flow,
To a new place,
New dawn,
Gently roll,
Along.
Until...
They slowly trickle,
Drip, drop,
Trickle..
To a sparkle,
Of stream, puddle,
Splash!
Dry...
To dust,
Brown and hazy,
Misty,
A silhouette,
Of what's passed before -
The eyes,
Soreness, red,
Tired,
Hidden,
Become the memories -
Of yesteryear...
So clear.
Now drowned
Without a sound.

To Blog or not to Blog? That is the question..

So, I've been blogging now for quite some time and indeed, have gained alot of supportive words and enjoyable moments from people who comment..Part of me is finding myself wandering more and more away from typing my thoughts down and instead keep randomnly jotting notes down, as they come forth in my mind. I sometimes feel like I should keep my blog up then other times, I can't be bothered. My time is so limited too, I'm spending less and less time in Cyberworld and concentrating on building up my relationship with my kids because I do feel that I've been somewhat 'emotionally absent and vacant' from them a little, especially since the death of my Mother and the break up of my long term relationship. I guess really, I've had a shit load of stuff to work through as best as I could and this is where blogging has helped me..YOU PEOPLE have helped me very much, more than you'll probably ever know! I think I've managed to stay just above water although at times I felt like I was truly sinking..I guess all of these things are sent to test and guide us in some way, to the path we should be travelling on...

Tonight I watched The Wall, I love this film and I love Pink Floyd. The Wall is such an inspiring and evocative film really and it's so relevant today, as it was back then in the 80s..Memories flooded in whilst I watched this film

- Pink cardigan knitted by my grandma
- Mum and Dad's living room settee
- Excitement when the kids riot in the school
- Feeling uncomfortable yet truly in awe of such a quirky, far out film that had such a good message.
- Feeling like life was just beginning yet darkness too, has a certain attraction and magnetism


Wow, watch the film guys and let it remind you about teen/past memories.

Truism

It's a truism that one writes and is indeed more creative when there is friction around, or a troubled heart. I listened to an interesting interview with Dame Beryl Bainbridge who replicated these words aswell.
I've never read any of her work but her life sounds fascinating, troublesome, interesting and colourful.

One for the author list to read, for sure!

Women who love too much

I've started to read a book that a good friend bought for me for 40th birthday - Women who love too much. It's a sort of self help book with case studies and real life situations thrown in. It's actually struck a chord in some ways especially the bit about fear of intimacy. I'm going to take my time to read it and let it sink in good and proper and then come to my conclusions about my own life and love that I offer and indeed think about what my own situation.

Today I bought two Valentine's cards, both for my sons. I can't wait to see their faces when they wake up to a card in the morning of Valentine's Day, I just need to adopt a few new writing styles!

This weekend is a quiet one for me.I'm hpping to attend the Chinese New Year celebrations and fireworks close by and maybe go for a meal with my son to a chinese restaurant later on.. we'll see. I'm also free from work after tomorrow so time to rest a little and enjoy time with my sons for the holiday period.
The news has been interesting of late, what with the US election stuff, debates about unemployed people being kicked out of council housing etc etc, I really wonder where we're heading for the future...

Weekend rants

Well, I was unusually merry today after a weird sort of weekend. I had a lovely swim on both Friday and Saturday, followed by a sauna..truly lovely.
Saturday night, I met with friends and went to a Percussion night which was enjoyable but funnily enough, I started to feel rather empty and indeed, wondered what I was realy doing there...OK so vultures were flying around trying to get female attention but I really am not interested anymore in meeting guys like this. They're always either

a. Too pissed
b. Too high
c. Off their tits
d. Insincere
e. Dishonest.

I bumped into a friend who I used to work with at a hostel. It was wonderful to see him, last time I saw him we got stoned together in a small room and had a real laugh. This time, he made me really laugh again..I forced him to buy me a jaegermeister and then cracked up at the bar with the jokes he was telling me. He now has a girlfriend, which at one point in the night, I realised I had to back off from chatting to him as his girlfriend kept watching us and indeed, may've well felt uncomfortable and the last thing I want to do is tread on anyone's relationship. I remember way back in the last club I saw him in, he said something really profound which made me go home and reflect. It made me cry. It touched me but also made me realise a few things about me, not bad things but how my confidence, back then, was pretty crap really. I wish I could've spent more time chatting to him but it wasn't to be. Oh well.
A friend made me feel a little odd when she was asked out on a date; this made her look at herself and feel fat. She feels fat. She isn't fat. I feel fat when women, who are slim, say they feel fat...it makes me focus on my body image and this, is negative and indeed, destructive! I am IN NO WAY going down the eating disorder route- did it when I was 14 upwards, will never revert back to guilt shit re.food again. Dangerous, dodgy, destructive, narcissistic ground.

I shopped online at Asda. Don't do it! Greatly let down and I'm writing aletter of complaint! My anger reached epic proportions tonight and I can't even be bothered to detail you with the crap!

Beloved? I texted him to see how he was. He's angry at the world and angry at me...and I guess, feels hugely let down. I feel sad for him but if he chooses to see me as a bad person and generalise about me as a woman, then he really has no idea who/what I am about. This is profoundly meaninful, insightful to me; I don't think, on reflection, he knows who I am.. just jumps to conclusions and lumps me in with women who he's had bad experiences with.Sad that you spend nearly 3 years of your life with this person in your universe to get to where we are today.
I don't think he meant his anger and rants, he's just fed up and projecting. I told him my feelings and that they'll always remain. He can do with that what he wants. I guess he feels burdened by women, his situation and possibly by me right now. I explained that I've always tried to understand him and be kind and good to him..this is what you do when feelings are strong..you just 'understand' that person.I don't know if he cares, or is even bothered - but deep down, I feel he must care a little cos I know that he does reflect. In my heart, I think he'll be thinking about what he's said to me..and what I've said to him and indeed, reflecting about it all..

So, it's Jake's Birthday on Valentine's Day. This Valentine's year for me? A birthday celebration for Jake and I guess, a quiet night in alone. I don't think there's any point in sending Valentine's wishes. I did last year but it was received with negativity and disdain, even though Beloved might've never known that the card sent was from me, I don't think it's worth sending wishes this year..and I doubt that I will recieve anything, I tend not to really.

So there you go, a weird, fun-ish, contemplative sort of time of it really.

The Lovers

I've recently discovered a quite obscure band called 'the Lovers'. They hail from France but live in Sheffield calling themselves 'Yorkshire Froggies'! Very funny.
Their music is a crossover of electronic/traditional cabaret sounding/french cafe style/Jazzy. All an interesting mix in my opinion.

Anyway, I found out that they are playing live in Sheffield this month, so I really want to go and see them! They're playing in a late night bar which sounds interesting and it's in a location just behind Sheffield Cathedral!

Check them out if you like fairly obscure music!

Enjoyment and light

The weekend's finally here and I'm ready to kick back. Had a chilled sort of week, did a good swim today and will do another tomorrow with the sauna thrown in for healthy glow purposes!
Jake's Dad is settling well into his place and we're getting on a lot better now that we have our own respective spaces. In fact, we shared a take away curry last night as he'd had a few more things to sort out and it seemed easier to eat together. I'm glad we're able to communicate on an amicable level. In many ways he's such a sweetheart but it's sad to think he never got his act together and chose to live his life in a way that he felt was right for him, even though it was wrong for me to be so clouded and stifled by this. I guess this is how we find out truly about others when we live with them. Oh well, 11 years was a long time to be together even though the last 3 years were very much a separate forced togetherness, if that makes sense?
So, this weekend I have a free time. My son stays with Dad 3 weekends out of 4 and thus, this is another free weekend for me. Next week will be with Jake and I'll plan to do a lot of fun things with him, Chinese New Year celebrations being one of them!
My eldest son is always out and about enjoying life; Tomorrow he babysits for my brother as it's his birthday on Monday and that'll be coiol for him to earn a little extra money! My brother will prob get arseholed and pass out - he's a bit of a hardcore drinker when he really celebrates something..

I'm off out tomorrow night to Percussion club night. I haven't been to one for quite some time so it'll be good to experience this night again..I'm hoping to meet with a few mates and then head down together. Tomorrow daytime I may do some more housey things and maybe visit a gallery..I really want to repaint my bedroom but I'm having difficulty choosing a colour!

So I here's to enjoyment and a feeling of light in my life.

Have a good weekend people :-)

Apologies

Apologies for being so angry in my last post. It's only as such because I've felt sad this weekend and feeling like life sometimes seems so unfair.
It's also a gift, I know this but at times, I have to get my feelings out - hence me having a blog for this expressive purpose.

I've just been thinking about what Beloved told me and it really has rocked me to be honest. He doesn't know this of course because at the end of the day, he has to look forward and be happy with what the future holds. If only he'd have been as 'in love' with me..it seems a trick of irony the way evrything has worked out.

Anyway, it's true that I must stay focussed and burst out to new things..I've spent the last four nights crying before I've fallen asleep but tonight will be different, I'll try to focus away from sad thoughts and NOT cry! Women eh? We're so emotional at times..
I keep on returning to the thought of counselling to try and heal emotional stuff and feelings but it's so damned expensive..I read Buddhist books to try and stay focussed - FFS I'm like Woody Allen, before he gets married, in the film Hannah and her Sisters!!! Searching, searching, searching yet I know deep down, happiness comes from within..Dear me, if only I could bump into Woody Allen and chat with him about stuff!

So, thanks for reading and commenting and time to burst all things new out there!

Angry at myself for

Being drawn into a situation those years ago and trying to refuse but being drawn into it by sweet words and what now really seems like lies.
Being called in the middle of the night for another's needs when I thought it was for 'love'.
Being so ridiculously blind.
Being so understanding, patient, forgiving, kind.
Being so played with.
Being so in love.
Being so emotional.
Being so torn in different directions because of my heart.
Being so fuckin deluded about love.
Being so heart driven over head driven.
Being so easy to persuade.
Being so gullible and believing what people say, when obviously it seems like it was all just a game or a ploy.
Being so naive and realising that I don't know if I'm ever going to properly heal anymore.

ALL BECAUSE OF LOVE!!!!!! RIDICULOUS!!! I feel like I should tear my heart out and stop feeling anything or indeed do something painful to divert feelings. Sorry this is pathetically dark and awful but my mood is one of, what they called in the 1500s, deep melancholia.

God I'm so angry and pissed off at myself..I wish some fuckin angel would come and swoop me away from this existence right now..happy Sunday and may peace be with you all.

Cowardice humans

I watched a film called Matchpoint the other night. I actually really enjoyed it, although the acting at times irritated me because of its modern feel but I liked the plot and the message.
Basically, it addresses the cowardly actions of human beings (in this film the coward being a man). OK, so this guy becomes obssessed with his brother's girlfriend, they have a casual sexual encounter and she ends it as fast as it starts due to her loyalty to her boyfriend.
She then gets dumped by boyfriend, the brother goes all out to find her again, even though he's gotten himself married!
He bumps into her and pursues her wildly. They end up having a full on affair...she becomes pregnant and he promises to leave his wife. This, he never does. Instead, when he finds out his wife is pregnant, who coincidentally has loads of money and is from a wealthy family, he decides to trick his lover and thus kills her! So not only does the woman lose her life, but also he kills his unborn child all for the sake of not rocking the 'ideal family'. What a coward!

I guess through history the world has been full of cowards, I won't label them as men but it's a truism what a famous female writer wrote about the difference between men and women and sexual politics.

I enjoyed this film and it made me think quite a bit about guys through hisory who pursue women and yet, run a mile when a sniff of trouble appears. Madame Bovary story is a classic example of this...

I've been thinking a lot about Beloved. I think he'll get back with his girlfrind due to the circumstances..Oh dear, not the best reason to get back with someone but there you go..Thus, I need to stop my attentions from thinking about him and get on with my own stuff - And as he so honestly pointed out, the scenario with him and ex is similar to me and him in that, he loves her - she doesn't him - bit like how he was and felt about me, I felt deeply for him, him not enough for me - so he informed me. God, when I think about the news over the last few days, I feel pretty sad and deflated really..I guess I just need to try and be happy for him if he eventually feels happy with the situation he's finding himself in. Dear me.
So, in all reality, maybe it's time to start meeting some new male friends?

One in particular, has caught my attention a little of late...Here goes the story - Last night, I had a great night at Blueprint, club in radford/hyson green area of Nottingham. I bumped into a guy that I met a while back at a club night in December of last year and had a brief chat with him whilst we both stood outside having a wee smoke.. I actually started to quite fancy him a little when I first met him, not only because I found him attractive but also more so because of what he does and his personality; he's a personal carer for a disabled man and we had a long conversation about caring for others and people with muscle illnesses being allowed cannabis to relieve the pain.

Anyway, it was nice to bump into him again and have a small chat, he's just come back from Australia and was telling me about his New Year out there. Sadly, I ended up mashed and when I saw him again later in the eve, I was in no fit state to converse on a coherent level! I'd quite like to bump into him again though, if truth be known and I hope i DO...soooooooooooooooon!!

Shock, how it changes the world.

So, I've recently been in touch with Beloved and through discussion with him, became shocked. I don't want to write about why because this is personal stuff to his life but it shocked me, to say the least.
Initial thoughs were sadness, followed by 'ah well such things happen'. Followed by wanting to support him and indeed offer any help that he may need. Two days on, sadness is lingering with me somewhat. Sad for him, sad for the situation he's finding himself in, sad that I don't think he ever, in his idealistic head, wanted such a situation... a tragic state of affairs but on a practical level, things like this do bring happiness and can be rise above melancholi..
In some ways it's also made me question the other person in this situation and why they'd go ahead with something, even though they don't feel as much love as the other person and indeed, don't want to be with this person. Indeed, we all have a choice about such things and thank god we do but I just find this a little hard to get my head round..I guess it's also mainly because of how sad I feel for Beloved regarding this issue. He must be devastated on some level. when I think of my own situation regarding this, I personally wouldn't have gone ahead if I were alone or indeed, not in some 'sort of love' with the other person. Then again, who am I to judge? People make their decisions for whatver reasons..it's still sad though.
Sorry this is all so cryptic but it really has to be and I have to get it down in writing to make comprehension of it all.
I really hope that we may be able to be friends again on some level. Everything changes in life for sure but somethings can remain the same even when other complications come into play, friendship can rise above this, I'm certain of this.

Time....

So, it must now be around 8 weeks or so, since I last saw Beloved. Not a day goes past where he doesn't enter my thoughts and indeed, he's forever in my heart. I wish I could be the sort of person who could handle him meeting someone and indeed, still be in contact with him to enjoy the sweet times I used to share with him. However, when feelings for a person have always been strong, then it's very, very difficult to cope with them meeting someone new. Although you want them to be eternally happy because you have so much love for them, you also feel hurt because of your own selfish reasons and indeed love..
On a Buddhist level, I feel I've let myself and indeed Beloved down greatly. It saddens me so much that I had to stop contact, but each time he spoke about his girlfriend, I felt like a knife was tearing at my heart and indeed, felt all overcome. Indeed, I tried to hide this from him and didn't want him to know that I felt as such until of course, the final blow when my heart just felt like it was caving in around me when I knew he might move away and when I heard what he was doing with his girlfriend. Emotions like this piss me off at times but at the end of the day one can't help emotions... I keep reading my Buddhist philosophy and indeed really want to be able to cope and indeed rise above these feelings and then maybe I can manage to be in his company again and enjoy times with him on some level..Oh dear, how hard it is at times and how time changes things. Funnily enough, I had a weird sleepless night last night and it's made me wonder about whether Beloved is OK, I hope he is and my heart wants to radiate love and light to him if there is any anxiety in his life.
P.S Thanks Aunt Jackie for the Twin Flames stuff, very interesting
http://www.unitingtwinflames.com/

True freedom entered my life

So, this weekend, it's official..I am truly free.

It's weird when I think about the last 3 years really. Meeting Beloved all of that time ago and telling him initially, that I couldn't keep in contact with him because of my home situation, even though he was adamant he wanted to see me again after we first met..and look where we are now?
Not even in contact..how tragic that time and circumstances change things. The irony that I'm as free as I wanted to be back then and indeed, over the past few years and yet, he's gone from my life. Of course all out of protection for my own heart.

I've had a strange and reflective weekend. I'm feeling like a lot of emotion has hit me all at once and has indeed, come crashing into me, on some level.

I still haven't sent his book back, I don't know why but I just have seemed so preoccupied recently..I will do it though although I'm unsure as to whether he's still moving away..seems his NYE was crap and I guess it's all to do with Gfriend stuff, who knows!

Anyway, time to seriously get my home sorted and my head sorted! I do feel positive but it must be said, I have an element of sadness entering my thoughts at times. I need to find some further interests I feel, away from clubs, away from pretentious situations and indeed meet genuine, good people again. Attract people who reflect who I truly am. The future is scary but I must look at it postively, I really must!

After thoughts...

So, most of my ex's things have gone now, he needs to pick a few other bits up but needs a friend to drive these bits over to his place, for him;furniture, rug, old wooden box, books etc..

I've started to feel like I want to make a few changes in my home. I'd like to make a small worktopish area at the end of my kitchen, with an overhead light, so I can sit in the kitchen and read/listen to the radio..there isn't a lot of space but I do like kitchens to feel warm and welcoming.
This will be the first proper weekend that I am truly alone, as in, I am properly knowing that my ex is in his own space and I'm in mine.. I always knew that my ex might've needed to stay here if his other options failed. Its' weird to think he has his own place and I'm still getting used to it, in many ways..I like the headspace and I like the calm. I don't think I'm easy either to be around at times and indeed to live with..I've tried and tried but maybe some people are just better with their own company or that of their friends and kids..

Hm I guess time will tell on that score re. living with other people.

So I'm off to an important presentation of my friends today and then we're off out to drink in Deby. Should be fun and be nice to have achange of scenery. Tomorrow I've been invited to a party and also a reggae night but time will tell on that score..I feel like just maybe chilling in my own space, making some nice food and having a few glasses of wine..

Gangstaman friend has been in touch again this week, he's funny. It's sort of nice to keep in touch but to be quite honest, I'm holding out for a man who like me, wants the same stuff in and out of life; I'd like a proper good male friend to share such times as; cinema visits, eating out, clubbing, bike riding, reading together,wine, discussion and fun and of course lots of hugs..you know, that sorta thing.

I'm in no rush though but I feel completely free now and I'm letting the universe unfold it's mystical path around me..

So, busyish week ahead; work's do Thursday night, an invite to a gig at Blueprint on Friday which I hope to attend...and then I guess let the weekend unfold after Friday..
Thank God for payday next week!!!!!

Addendum to the below

Who was that angel-like man in my dreams last night? He was tall, had white feathered wings, was made out of blue (wedgewood pottery colours????? lol)and white and had long golden blonde hair with tanned skin...Is he my guardian angel? Is he my future husband GULP! lol? Who the hell was he? Never in the world of dreamtime have I encountered such a profound prescence in a dream...

Golly gosh gosh!

It's official. I'm a fury ridden, wrathful nutter!

What a fuckin stressfull weekend people. Long, long story but I think waiting and patience finaly erupted to volcanic proportions, not seen since the likes of Pompeii!
In my fury, I rolled what must've been 6 bin liners full of my ex's clothing, down the stairs. Even to the final moment, I have to be proactive!!! I ranted, raved, screamed, yelled, hollared. My neighbours must be considering getting me sectioned! Just to see the shiny black bulk roll down the stairs was really quite poetic. My God, am I such a fiery beast at times!

Only as such though, when I've been taken advantage of and indeed, my good nature abused.

So today? I'm calmer, I'm now feeling like the load has lifted.

BUT, I am dreaming like there's no tomorrow! Dreaming about water, always -

Always sea,
always in the sea,
me, swimming
or floating
in the sea..
Jade green
Blue, in
Greece and myth.
Slowly moving through the source
Fluid slow
Motion.

I wonder what this all means? Water in dreams eh? Odd and yet, very relaxingly gorgeous!
Here's to my ex making all good in his new place...and indeed, even though my wrath almost combusted me, I still wish for him to be well, healthy, happy and peaceful..

Here's to life people! Here's to my watery, flowing future...
xxxx

Dysfunctional Hell

So, this week has been a weird and mixed one emotionally. My son's Father was again delayed with moving into his new place, all because the builders hadn't finished the repairs! So yesterday, he was finally crowned with the glory of being 'the tenant'. One and half years of waiting for a Housing Association place; cheapish rent, apparently warm, clean and pleasant. We ended up having a massive row on the day that he signed the contract; My idea was that he'd come straight over to mine afterwards and pick a lot of his stuff up so that I could sort things this weekend. His idea and indeed actions = went to the pub for a supposed 30 mins, which ended up as 90 mins! That straight away rubbed me up the wrong way cos I felt he'd got all of his priorities wrong..I don't like being around him when he starts drinking too much cos it ends up in major rows and he starts going down the 'victim and abusive' route, which I don't like! We yelled, I screamed and then cried. He then left, to hid new empty flat with his bottle of cider, beer and sleeping bag..
This is why we were so different I remember now; Different energies, different ways fo doing and prioritising things, working against rather than 'with' each other. I remember reading that Taureans are stubborn and get set in ways..Both being Earth signs we were supposed to be compatible. Not that I believe everything I read in the daily horoscopes, they're a load of bollocks! BUT I do believe in the natal birth chart and mine, quite frankly, has masses of fire signs..Hmm, where did that temper come from? I think at angry, frustrating times like the above, I should have the gift of 'sponateous combustion' but then, with the gift to be able to form myself afterwards, once combustion has occurred! Imagine that eh?

So, my river is now rushing into different, permanent territory. I'm nipping to Jake's Dads today to take some further bits down for him and then he's nipping here to pick up a lot of his other stuff..
God, what a dyfunctional nightmare, you could make a film about my life! Anyway, onwards and upwards and remain positive, life should start to take on the elements that I want it to now..

Losing the battle

Ahh happy memories from New Year's Eve^^ . My friend Gav tagged this pic of me and my mate, on his Facebook and it brought back happy memories of the night. Such a wonderful, carefree yet mental night!
Planet Tesco continues to domninate the world. Poor old pet shop in Beeston called Pet Mart, has lost its battle to remain on the land that it has stood on for as long as I can remember! From being a child and indeed, whilst my own kids have been growing up. These powerful corporations are so ugly and nasty when you think about the whole scheme of things. Tesco in particualr seems to eat up land and indeed, build stores within mile radius's or so of each other. Surely this is ridiculous?

I worked in a place called Hucknall today, ex mining town...and actually, I was rather refreshed to see a mix of shops but again, there it stood in all its clinical glory, anotherfuckin Tesco! Right on the site of the old coal mines...ironic eh?

So I sent an email to Beloved, as I said. I got a vague and short response...sad but there you go, I can't expect any other really.

This weekend? I hope to meet with some mates for a few drinks but I've again, got a cold and cough since returning to my unhealthy work environment! Hot, humid, germ ridden place..full of others who have colds and come to work nearly dying - grates on me, it really does. I seem to be losing the battle with this recurring cold/throat business! Maybe I'm just not looking after myself enough? Maybe I'm due to get a bout of glandular fever, my glands do feel swollen in the back of my neck and the cough is odd, a deep and weird sort of affair, like it's coming right from inside my belly and up to my throat..Dear me.
Tomorrow I'm hoping the massage I've booked will ground my body and free it from the toxins of Xmas..and I hope to swim this weekend but whether this is indeed wise, remains to be seen. I will though and let's hope a spot of exercise does me good!

My old school friend H, has informed me that she's marrying her true love. She met him whilst in Spain, her marriage had been on the rocks for a good three years, when lo and behold, the dashing Spaniard wooed her into his arms..without getting all moralistic and judgemental, I assure you, these two are a heavenly couple. He has such love and warmth for her and this, she definitely thrives from. He's a young 32, she's 40. They are also due to have a baby later this year..She always felt that he was right for her, and indeed, they've stood the test of time, trials, tribulations and all the rest that goes with a divorce and kids being involved. I'm glad she's marrying him; H was an adoptee and in her 30s, found her birth father, sadly, she was never able to meet her birth mother because she'd tragically taken her own life, due to the depression she felt with given up her baby, my friend H..Tragic story and one that always left H feeling like there was a big hole missing that needed filling which now, that hole has been filled by her lovely future husband. What a happy story and one that is full of so much love and truth..

Stay grounded is the key

What a quite weekend I've had, although it's been real nice just to chill and have no appointments or plans, for that matter.
Today I decided to email Beloved about the book that I still have that belongs to him. It seems he had a terrible New Year, oh dear, then again, New Year does sometimes go amok for people for whatever reasons. I thought it'd be fair to give him his book back before he heads off to Manchester to live. I'm not sure when he goes but I guess it won't be all that long really..
I received a phone call this afternoon from Gangstaman, haven't spoken to him for a while but he invited me round to his place, when I have free time, for a meal. Not sure what I should do really?
I guess I should take the bull by the horns as they say, and just go and enjoy myself? Oh dear, decisions, decisions. Saying that, he's only a mate so I don't know why I'm getting a little tizzled about it! Maybe cos I know deep down, that he fancies me! Ahem..

I have a new myspace friend, who's travelled to many countries, of which I'm also interesting in travelling to one day; Iceland, Nepal, India, US. He's kindly placed some of his travel photos on his Myspace site, my oh my, Nepal looks AMAZING! Especially the sacred lake at Goyko! at Mount Everest, totally out of this world!!Gosh, it would be so brill to travel there and experience what Nepal offers. I'm determined to get there one day...I really am!

So guys, what to do about the meal invite? I've decided to see how I feel and let the week pass me by, try to stay grounded and calm..that's the only way forward!

Euggghhhhh back to work!

So back to work for me, dear me, not an entirely easy thought, not entirely welcoming or becoming..I don't feel ready to go back, then again, I never do! I like being at home chilling and taking things easy.

I guess this weekend will be all a bit random really, waiting to hear when/what's happening with Jake's Fathers flat.. I feel like I can really start planning things on a different sort of level.

I still miss Beloved, I don't know what he's up to of course, because I stopped the contact; sad and tragic to have to do this, but I just knew I had to protect my heart because it was going through too much pain when I thought about him moving away and indeed hearing about what he was up to with his new girlfriend. Of course, I feel this was unfair of me to be as such and SO not Buddhist..his happiness should make me happy, but, when you're emotionally involved with someone and have been into them for a long, long time, when they've inspired you to write poetry because of your deep feelings and indeed still are/do, then for me, it was hard to maintain the friendship on the level we were maintaining it as. I understand that age is a factor and many other things were a factor to him but to me, these things never should get in the way of deep feelings. That's just my opinion though and indeed, I have no right to assume someone should think like me or indeed, want what I wanted...

All I know is that the friendship, if one can call it that, was so important to me and so very special...Dear me..

Anyway, he lives in my heart and always will do..

Have a lovely weekend out there...

Afterthoughts and snow

And so the forecast this week is some snow. How great would that be? I love snow, truly love it! I'm still recovering from New Year's Eve, all that substance misuse takes its toll you know..I guess this weekend will be a quiet affair, maybe a trip to the countryside for fresh air and detoxification!!

How refreshing to have a New year that had no arguments, no sadness, no misunderstandings, no anger! Truly great and truly memorable and truly the way I want all of my NYE's to be from now on.

The ex is still to hear about his flat but he should be geeting the keys either tomorrow or Friday, so that's all good and all systems go for him. We've deccided that it might be a good idea to let Jake help him with moving in, just so that he feels like he's part of his Dad's new place and indeed doesn't feel all confused about it. The good thing is, since Xmas, me and his father have been getting along really well. Supporting each other and having good chats about things, clearing the air and having a general respect for each other's life now.

I really appreciate the fact that he was there for to look after Jake on NYE. Everything worked out well, no disruption, Jake was happy and the start of the New Year was a good one. I feel this is going to be a very good year, I don't know why but I feel that there's a lot of positivity around me and that my life is at last starting to feel like things are getting a little easier and indeed calmer.

Let's now hope that the lovely white flakes hit planet England ASAP and make Sara a happy bunny!

Madame Bovary

I watched the film, Madame Bovary, today. I read the book, by Flaubert, many years ago, when in my teens, in fact when I was 18 years old. The story has never failed to interest me and indeed the text itself, when deconstructed, is an interesting critique about women's position in French society, emotional needs as woman, insatiable appetites of Emma Bovary and in the final, although she gave her soul and heart to the lovers she met, they were unable to save her from herself, in the end; reputation for them to keep, financially broken, etc.. Her husband was a practical man, deeply in love with her, but this wasn't enough for Emma, she craved a different sort of love; passion, poetry, desire, romanticism, escapism..

When she most needs help from the men who have been lovers and indeed, who she gave herself to, they couldn't and indeed chose not to help her. This resulted in her taking Arsenic as a means of suicide.

A tragic story, a sad tale of love and its woes, the lengths people go to to find a little piece of happiness and specialness in their lives and in many ways, a moral reminder in many ways about the 'Grass is always Greener' scenario...

In part of the film/text, it discusses Emma's desire for Leon and her counting the days to seeing him and indeed when she had seen him, her world felt dark, cold, sad, lonely, after she'd left him..such a truism is that when one leaves a loved one and misses them so.

I love novels like this and indeed films like this too. It reminds me that humans have felt depth, desire and passion for eons and that we all suffer theses feelings at some points in our lives..it also reminds me that humans crave such a deep love that often seems an impossibilty to live this love..but also a deep pain when one is away from their lover/loved one.

I prefer the relationship Emma has with Leon though, it seemed so much more innocent and genuine with an energy that was there from the start rather than forced...
I thought about Beloved whilst watching this film, I thought about him when I was out last night, I wondered what he was doing, who he was with, his girlfriend I guessed..I hope he's well, I hope he's happy; Not a day, or for that matter an hour goes by, without holding him in my heart, or indeed my thoughts..

Hooray for the end and the beginning!

Hooray, what a wicked New Year's Eve. Met some mates in a pub and then headed off to a bar/clubnight. Nearly ended up having a big barny with the bouncers; it was 11.55pm and they said no more people were allowed in the place. I argued with them, saying we had tickets and thus, this wasn't fair not to let us in. The guy was adamant!! So feisty old Sara banged on the window of the bar, where the DJs were and asked if they'd 'sort it'...luckily, they did and we entered the bar just before the New Year started! I had a sneaky laugh at the bouncer as I walked through the bar, it has to be said.
Anyway, the atmosphere was great, bumped into a lot of new recent friends, and sat talking to them and dancing of course! The bar girl, Emily, took a shine to me, said I had a kind face and thus, poured me half full glasses of vodka for 2quid a shot!!! What a dear she was.

After much dancing and drunkenness, we all jumped into a cab and headed to an after party, of which, we couldn't find. In the meantime, I got chatting to some African women from the Congo, on the street where the party was to be held and ended up in their party instead! They poured me rum and cokes, fed me Ackee salt fish and rice and made me extremely welcome. The music and atmo was warm, friendly and a great African music vibe... I then received a phone call from the guy whose party it was, that we couldn't find and headed up to his, to meet up with my other mates, who'd long ago found the party!

Again, a sweet crowd and very welcoming. I sat chatting to a guy called Rick, had long conversations with him about his upbringing, job, thoughts etc about life. A sweet guy and a deep thinker seemingly.

9am this morning, I decided that bed was needed. Fell into my bed, still drunk and very happy at 10am. What a truly memorable New Year's Eve. I think the start of the year is going to continue into being a good, warm 2008!

Happy New Year to you all.